1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

2. She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?  or How much money do you have?”  By the way, she is not tall.

3.  She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6.  She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.”

Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right.

Not tall:

She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?”  or “How much money do you have?”  By the way, she is not tall.  For some reason, people feel perfectly comfortable asking Mother how tall she is.  It couldn’t be more obvious that she is short.  Most of her grandchildren pass her up by the time they are ten.  I was with her on a recent visit to her doctor when the nurse asked her height.

Mother feloniously claimed five foot two inches.  Realizing she was getting nowhere, the nurse took her to measure.  Mother was busted.   “I’ll give you 4′ 9 & 3/4″.” Replied the nurse.

Compounding the issue of her slight build, is her squeaky voice.   Once when she called me at work, a coworker called to me, “Minnie “Mouse wants to talk to you. The minute a caller hears her voice, they say, “Oh, hello Mrs. Swain.”  She’d never be able to make crank calls.It’s very common for callers to ask,”Is your mama home?”

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