Month: June 2015

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Long Lost Treasures

Eddie SwainI’ve recently been writing about my paternal grandmother, Mettie Knight Swain, whose life I didn’t know nearly so much about as my mother’s family.  I reached out to my cousins who were kind enough to send me pictures.  I am grateful to receive these.  Pictures can tell you so much more about a person than you’d expect. The man in the hat is my grandfather, Eddie Swain, Mettie’s husband.  He died of a brain tumor at the age of forty-two.   The family picture is one of the earliest I’ve found with Eddie and Mettie Swain and their three children, Geneva, standing left, Parnell, and Edward in Mettie’s lap.  They had four more, Bill, Bessie, Esther, and Ola Bea.  This photo would have probably been made about 1922. Continue reading →

Joke of the Day

funeral cartoonA funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”

Cruel Joke

DoctorDon’t read this one if you are sensitive!

The old fart went to the doctor.  “I’m afraid I have bad news for you.  You don’t have too long to live.”

“Well, give it to me straight, Doc.  I can take it!”

“Ten.”

“Ten. Ten what?  Ten years?  Ten months?”

“Nine.”

Too Good To Be True!

Pots of flowersMother and I ran by the garden center while we were running errands today, as any right-thinking person would.  As I was strolling about, measuring the beauty of the flowers against the high cost of divorce, should I purchase any more this month, a miracle occurred.  One of the vendors walked up to me and asked if I liked flowers.  She cut me off before I really got started.  She lived at ——Jones Street.  She’d collected so many flowers she couldn’t take care of them.  They were all in her yard and on her porch.  Go by and get all I wanted.

“Is this a joke?  What if your neighbors see me loading flowers and call the police”

“Oh, that’s no problem.  Just take a picture of me and show it to them if they say anything, or tell them to call me.  It will be fine.”  That sounded reasonable.  I snapped her picture making the peace sign and sped to _______Jones Street.  The neighbors were on their doorstep watching us, probably wondering why they hadn’t been offered anything.  I showed them the lady’s picture, telling them she said we could have her plants.  They looked suspicious, but didn’t yell at us.  The plants were gorgeous.  She’d even started a couple of nice pineapples.  I was thrilled to get them when I noticed we were on ______Patterson Street.  We put all the plants back, explained to the neighbors, and took off.

We never did find ________Jones Street, but at least we haven’t been arrested, yet.  I’ll bet that woman in the garden center is still laughing.

Jolly Funeral Policy

Connie and Marilyn's Toddler PicturesAgents selling funeral policies were a fixture in the rural South.  Our budget was too tight for such luxuries, so Mother tried hard to keep us alive.  Myrtle Harper sold policies for Jolly Funeral Home and Watkins products.  She was a nosy do-gooder who carried sunshine from house to house, dispensing information about people’s financial situations Continue reading →

Where’s Your Note?

An elderly couple noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can Continue reading →

Good Advice

imageThe first night John and Marsha were married he told her to try on his pants.  “These are way too big.  I could never wear these pants.”

“That’s right.  Now don’t you forget it!  I wear the pants in this family and what I say goes.”

At that, Marsha told him to try her panties on.  “These are way too small.  I’ll never be able to get in your panties!”

“”Yeah and if you don’t change your attitude right quick, you never will!”

Buzzy’s Exotic Vacation

imageOn our recent trip, Buzzy had a great time visiting family.  Lest I mislead you, I never claimed he was a brave dog.  He ran from some house cats, but they were bob-tailed.  In his defense, He’d never seen a bob-tailed cat and was unsure how dangerous they might prove to be.  He walked into a swimming pool by accident, his first experience with one.  He was an excellent swimmer, but had no idea how to get out.  He seemed to enjoy his little swim.image

His introduction to Aunt Beulah’s chickens was hysterical.  He was waiting expectantly when she opened the door to the hen house.  When Bonnie and Clyde strutted out, he set a new land-speed record for American Eskimo Dogs, if there wasn’t one before.  I believe he would have passed up Greyhounds trying to escape those bobbling fowl, even though they showed no interest whatsoever in him.

We are back home now.  I’ll keep you posted of his future adventures.