Month: July 2015

Joke of the Day

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
Bagepiper playing Amazing Grace

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

” I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Drive On

image

John was too lazy to work his farm.  His family would have starved if the neighbors hadn’t brought them something to eat.  Finally, a group of the neighboring farmers collected up and decided if John was too sorry to support his family, maybe they ought to just hang him.

They had him loaded up on a wagon to haul to the gallows when Charley felt guilty and spoke up. “We can’t just hang a man for being too sorry to work.  I’ll give him a wagon load of corn to get his family through the winter and he can make a fresh start next spring.  How about that John?”

“Is it shucked?” asked John.

“Well, no.”  said Charlie.

“Drive on.” said John.

Killer Tomatoes (Tales from the Toilet)

Reblog of an older post for a lazy Sunday

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

imageA well-worn path led down the hill to the toilet located far enough to cut the odor and avoid contamination of our well.  Mama was vigilant about sanitation and shoveled lime into the pit to aid decomposition and screened the open back to foil her chickens who considered the flies and maggots a tempting buffet.  Chickens are not known for their

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A joke for my sisters

Pingback on Joke for My Sisters

Judy A. Beebe's avatarSurviving My Sisters

I got a great chuckle this morning when reading Nutsrok’s Joke of the Day. I love her blog posts, and especially when they make me laugh.

Laugh. Laughing. Giggle. Giggling. Full-out belly-jiggle laughing.

And that made me think of my sisters, Connie and Anita. And the times when one of us started laughing, it would catch on and pretty soon all three of us were laughing and it seemed like we’d laugh for ever.

We’d laugh till our eyes were watering, and our laughing so hard sometimes you wouldn’t hear us make a sound, but we were laughing . . . with our mouths wide opened and heads thrown back and our faces red.

And, of course, one of us would say what many girls say when they get to laughing so hard, “Stop, or I’m going to pee my pants!”

Yep, not only did Nutsrok’s recent post make…

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You Poor Baby (Part 2)

vintage baby

part 1      https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2015/07/11/you-poor-baby/

Furious at finding her washing machine packed to the rim with freshly laundered diapers mixed with freshly- laundered gobs of poop, Mother roused Carol from where she snored on the sofa, oblivious to her miserable, bawling baby. “Carol, come here. Let me show you how to use this washer! You can’t just throw filthy diapers in it without rinsing this stuff out.” Mother got a tub, made Carol scoop the poopy diapers out and clean the washer, then sent Carol out to rinse the dirty diapers under the faucet before bringing them back to the washer. “Be sure you dump that dirty water from the tub behind the chicken house, not in the back yard. You may as well get the rest of this mess soaking.” She pointed to the pile of poopy diapers that had not yet had a ride in her abused washer. Carol looked furiously at Phyllis and me as she stormed off to do this demeaning task, clearly much better delegated to underlings like us.

We did have to tend her poor, miserable baby while she slaved over the diaper rinsing, but that was better than rinsing out poopy diapers ranging from rock-hard lumps to runny diarrhea, depending on the vintage. The stench was horrendous, as evidenced by Carol’s retching. I have no doubt Carol was sick when she came back in. She took to her bed(our sofa) to recover. Clearly accustomed to help with her baby, she was reluctant to leave her repose to wash bottles and prepare formula, preferring to call out for one of of kids to “bring me a bottle!” when he cried. The first time, Mother let the hungry little guy have a bottle, despite the fact it was an expensive, hypoallergenic formula prescribed for her own tiny baby. She quickly pointed the case of milk she’d bought for Carol’s baby, the kind Carol requested. “Oh this will be fine,” Carol said. “He likes it!”

“Carol, you need to fix your own bottles! I bought you what you asked for. This stuff is forty cents a can!” Mother explained.

Carol was clearly offended. She dawdled a bit after he finished his bottle, put him down, and shut herself in the bathroom for a good crying session. Eventually, she came out and made a collect call to her mother, insisting she come, NOW! Mama couldn’t come, NOW! More crying on the phone. We were stuck together till the weekend. Carol had no problems leaving his bottles lying about to sour after baby was satisfied. Should he cry out when a sour bottle sat handy, she had no qualms about trying to get him to take it.

The next three days lasted an eternity. At my parent’s insistence, Carol did end up giving her baby good care while they waited for Mama, but she turned him over to Mama as soon as she arrived. His bottom had healed, he’d plumped up, and even played a bit with good care. Poor little guy didn’t get much of a pass. He was soon back home to be joined by a brother and sister in rapid succession.

Alas, Carol’s marriage fell apart, but before long she found another man and launched into her addiction to having babies she had no interest or ability to care for, eventually delivering eleven sad children. At a family reunion once, I heard someone ask how long she was going to keep having babies. She replied, “As long as God wants me to.” It was heartbreaking to see her children suffer from her neglect and ignorance.

Joke of the Day

John was sitting in the bar drinking a nunpint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. Continue reading →

You Poor Baby

vintage babyI had no idea Cousin Carol was four years older than my sister Phyllis till one day when Phyllis was about twelve, Cousin Carol announced she was getting married. It sounded like a joke. Less than two weeks ago she’d spent the night with Phyllis. Sixteen was ridiculously young to get married, but back as late as the nineteen Continue reading →

Dumb Laws

 
 

Dumb California Laws

  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

    Arcadia

  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra

  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park

  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere

  • City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

    Blythe

  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame

  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel

  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico

  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey

  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood

  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette

  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi

  • It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

    Lompoc

  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach

  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

    Los Angeles

  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • Toads may not be licked.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.

    Ontario

  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove

  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs

  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena

  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale

  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands

  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside

  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

    San Diego

  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

    San Francisco

  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
  • Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

    San Jose

  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica

  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula

  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

 

Watson in BathtubWatson and Hime                    Watson in Pool                       Watson with Bone

These are some pictures of my grand dogs.  The sleeping giant in the bathtub is Watson, a five month old Akita.  He has to barred from the bathroom for anyone to have any hope of privacy.  In the second picture, he is with his partner in crime, Hime.(pronounced He-May)  Though he pesters her incessantly, she can’t bear to be separated from him.  You can also see Watson cooling off in his pool and relaxing with his bone.

 

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