Month: July 2015

Joke of the Day

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The blonde shouts, “fire!!”Blonde police officer

Cookie and Uncle Riley (Part II repost)

repost of older story

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

Cookie and Uncle Riley Cookie and Uncle Riley

This is a repost of one of my earlier stories, my mother’s recounting of a trip with eccentric relatives.  My mother, Kathleen Swain did the illustration.

People came and went. The waitress cleared the other tables and pointedly checked on Mother a few times, staring at the uneaten breakfasts and serving her enough coffee refills to float a battleship. She dawdled as long as she dared, hoping her nemeses would come back to retrieve her before the arrest. She occupied her time well, alternating between

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Cookie and Uncle Riley (Part 1 repost)

Reblog of an old post. First of a three part series

My Picks Of The Week #30

Woo Hoo! I made Momma’s Views Picks of the Week!  Please check everybody’s posts out!

amommasview's avatarA Momma's View

What great posts I was able to read over the last couple of days. I love what you guys are producing. So here we go. Check out the list of posts that made it on my Picks Of The Week list for this week.

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Mary Ann Graybeal Hardin Jones McCarrell

Mary Ann GraybealThis is my great-great grandmother, Mary Ann Graybeal Hardin Jones McCarrell, born July 5, 1838 in North Carolina,  pictured with her second husband, my great-great grandfather John James Jones.  Her first marriage was to a Mr. Hardin when she was twenty-two.  He died in the Civil War, leaving her with young children.  She married Captain John James Jones when she was thirty.  They had two daughters, including my great-grandmother, Sarah Catherine Jones.  He was a Civil War Veteran, his left leg perpetually bent at the knee.  He had to have lived less than four years after the marriage, since she married Mr. Evan McCarrell, a widower with two sons and two daughters when she was thirty-four.  It is likely this was a marriage of convenience since he was several years her senior and both had children to raise.

Mary Ann Graybeal died accidently at the age of fifty-eight, July 8, 1886,  when she travelled with her step-son to Knoxville, Tennessee, to consult a doctor about a lump in her breast.  Unfamiliar with gas lights, when they went to bed in their hotel room, one of them blew out the gas-light instead of turning the gas off.  She was asphyxiated, though he survived.

Her older three daughters were married at the time she died.  The youngest, Sarah Catherine(Kate) lived with her married sister Carrie for a while.  At the tender age of fourteen, she married my great-grandfather, Gordon Perkins.  My grandmother always felt she married as soon as she could to get her own home.

Joke of the Day

Exercise HellThis guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says “No, please show me the next room”.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of coffee and eating cakes.

So the guy says, “I’ll choose this room”. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, “Well, it could be worse”, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says “O.K. coffee-break is over. Back on your heads!”BanjoHell

Joke of the day

image

An eighty-nine year old couple was greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  They had only lived so long because of the wife’s insistence on exercise and healthy diet.  The instant they entered Heaven, the years fell away returning them to their full youth and vitality.  The first thing St. Peter showed them was an endless row of mansions.  “Choose any estate you like.  Size or furnishings are no object.  We just want you to be happy.”

“How much will this cost?” asked the man

“No cost.  You’re in Heaven now!”

They walked out back to an unbelievable golf corse,  “Play all you like.  No green’s fees,  no tee times, and the course changes every time you play.  You’ll never be bored. No charge.  This is heaven.”

Next St, Peter showed them into a sumptuous dining room.  “You’ll never have to think about what you eat again.  Just think of what you, want, it appears.  No clean up, no charge, no calories or fat to consider.  Remember, you’re in Heaven now!”

With that, the outraged husband turns to his beautiful young wife, “Well, you danged fool!  If it hadn’t been for you, I could’ve been here ten years ago!”

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

parents wedding pic

The first thing I wanted to be was not to be a girl, based on the difference in the lives I saw my parents lead.  This was long before I’d learned about penises, so it wasn’t penis envy.  That came later. Quite early on, I noticed Daddy had an enviable life, can Ming and going as he pleased.  Mother knocked herself out to do things just the way he wanted.  Should she guess wrong, she apologized and tried to make it up to him,, though that wasn’t easy.  Daddy hunted, fished, rode horses, and did whatever he wanted to with his friends, coming home when he was ready. Daddy was always able to come up the money for horses, hunting dogs, hunting gear, and find the time to enjoy them.  My brother and I loved tagging along with him since something exciting was always going on.  He lived a great life which I totally admired.

Meanwhile, Mother cooked, cleaned, did total child care, of course, juggled the bills to keep food on the table and the lights on, made all our clothes, and took care of the garden, canning and freezing the produce.  Mother never had to worry about leisure activities, since she had no leisure.  Everytime she sat down, she went to sleep.  I didn’t want anything to do with that situation.

Our social life revolved Daddy’s family.  We spent holidays and weekends together.  We saw Mother’s family once or twice a year, since they lived a couple of hundred miles away.l

When I was a kid, I had no intention of marrying to recreate the life of servitude my mother led.  I thank God I didn’t.

>a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/futures-past/”>Futures Past</a>

Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen

imageOne of my Cousin Kat’s best friends was Don Waters who ran the funeral home.  She needed to go to Mason City to see her eye doctor when Don mentioned he had to make the trip to pick up a body at the airport. Cousin Kat was tight as Dick’s hatband and not a bit squeamish about a little thing like riding with a  body. Turns ou it was Mabel Peter’s Who she’d ridden to work with for over twenty years.  Surely Mabel, dead would be less Continue reading →