Day: August 12, 2015

Ask Auntie Linda, August 12, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a seventeen years old, a senior in high school, make good grades, and have never done anything to make my parents distrust me.  We live thirteen miles outside town.  Most kids don’t want to come out this far before going out at night.  My parents let my brother take the car and go out at night or meet friends in town.  I am allowed to use the car in daytime, but they don’t want me driving alone at night in case I break down.  I have a cell phone.  I don’t always want to stay over with a friend or have a guy drive me home.  How can I get them to relax this double standard?  Unfair

Dear Unfair,  That’s a sticky one.  It’s not about trusting you.  It’s about protecting you, which you don’t like a bit better, I’m sure.  Maybe if you promised to call right when you were leaving they could deal a little better while you could wean them off gently, after all, you will be off at college next year.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, As a teenager, I worked in a local store video rental store.  While working there, I stole several porn videos, probably worth $600.  I feel very guilty about this and would like to make restitution.  The owner has since died.  I know his elderly widow needs money, but this confession could ruin me if it came out.  How can I make this right, without ruining my life?  Sorry now

Dear Sorry, Send the lady an anonymous letter with a cashier’s check explaining you wronged her husband and would like to make restitution, asking her to accept it in his honor.  She will probably be touched.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband I can never agree. We just can’t discuss things.  When we are trying to talk about issues, he doesn’t listen to a word I have said.  He thinks if he tells me how he wants things done, we have made a decision.  How do we solve this?  Trying to work things out.

Dear Trying,  These things usually work themselves out after fifty or sixty years.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

Walks Into a Bar… Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”

“What are the three tests?” asks the man

“Gotta pay first.”

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”

Mother’s memories

Reblog from Ritu