Month: August 2015

Library Magic

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The world opened up to me on my first visit to the library the summer before I turned four.  My sister had just finished first grade.  Mother took her to enroll her in the summer reading program, bland enough sounding, as we pulled up to a white clapboard building jus next to Davis’s Barber Shop.  I knew Sandra Davis was in first-grade with my sister, so that was important.  The small library was divided into an adult and children’s room and lined floor to ceiling with shelves.  The picture books were on low shelves under the huge windows of the front room.  I stood there staring, till a tiny, white-haired lady came out from behind a desk, pointed to the shelves and told me, “Choose anything you like.”

I’d never seen such wealth.  We had books at home, but nothing like this bounty.  I’d never thought the world might hold such wealth.  I dropped to the floor and pulled one out.  Seeing little girls at a tea-party, I hastily slid it back in its place, looking for something more attractive.  I rejected a valentine book, a kitty, and an A B C book, I had just settled on a cowboy book when Mother said we needed to go.

“I didn’t get to read my book yet!”  I wailed.

“We can read it when you get home.  Don’t you want some more? You can get three,” she finished.

I’d never been offered more of anything this good.  I was stunned.  “That ol’ woman is gonna’ give me three?”

Mother tried to cover  my “that ol’ woman outburst” the best she could.  She grabbed the te apart, the valentine book, while I handed over my cowboy book.  Miss Temple stamped the little date sticker in the the books, had Mother sign the cards, and we were on our way.  As soon as we got to the car Mother hissed. “”Don’t ever call somebody an old lady again. Or I’ll tear you up.”

“Why doesn’t she know?” I asked.

“Well, if she doesn’t, it’s not your place to tell her.”  She was mad.

As soon as we got home,  Mother read me Rory and Rocky the Cow Pony.  After a couple of readings, I had it memorized.  I had to take back in two weeks, but checked Rory and Rocky out all summer.  I never did read the tea party or valentine books.

Dear Auntie Linda, August 11, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My parent are in their seventies.  I am their only child.  They are more than comfortable.  My husband and I have two children.  We’d like to move into a better school district but would really struggle to make the payments.  I’ve asked my parents but they don’t want to loan us the money for a down payment.  I am hurt, since I am their only child and heir.  Is this selfish of me?  Only Child

Dear Only, Without knowing the whole story, it’s hard to say.  Your parents may have every penny tied up.  Maybe, like me, they don’t loan what they can’t afford to gift.  A loan, not repaid, creates hard feelings.  It’s always better not to go in too deep.  Your parent’s money, however much or little it is, is theirs to do with as they please, not something you are entitled to.  They may live long enough to need every cent. Best to spend only what you can afford, not rely on anticipated money.   Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband drives me crazy picking his toenails.  He knows this  but doesn’t stop.  What do I do?  Whacked out.

Dear Whacked, There’s nothing you can do except walk out of the room or try to ignore. Does it bother him that you hate it.  He could avoid being barefoot when relaxing. Hope he doesn’t start picking yours!  Aunt Linda.

Dear Auntie Linda, I called my mom to tell her my new boyfriend and I were dropping by in a few minutes for coffee.  When we got there, she was stomping around out in the backyard in knee-high black-rubber boots, green plaid knee-pants, and an orange polka dot top with the sleeves cut out chopping on a snake with a machete.  Why would she do this when she knew I was coming over?  Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed, When a snake’s got to be chopped, it’s got to be chopped.  They don’t wait around for introductions.  How did it work out with the boyfriend?  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, “now, you can do what ever you want.”
So here I am.

Dear Auntie Linda, August 10, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, Frannie and I have been friends since we were n our twenties.  We are in our early seventies now and are neighbors again in a small retirement community.   I am widowed; she is divorced.  For a long time we enjoyed doing things together, hitting a couple of sales, maybe seeing a movie or having coffee, and finally stopping at the market on the way home.  Now, Frannie is changing our plans without notice and taking advantage of me.  We’ve always used my car, at my suggestion, since she is a timid driver, and she helps on gas.  Sometimes, she lets me get all the way to her house before making her grocery list.  Then she tells me she’s decided not to go after all, asking me to pick her items up and bring them back.  When this happens, she only plays the exact ticket amount, no tax or gas money.   It annoys me to have her cancel.  I have no desire to be her errand boy and spend the extra time for pick up and delivery.  Had Just About Enough

Dear Just About, Since Frannie isn’t shy, you needn’t be.  It wouldn’t hurt to check and make sure Frannie hasn’t changed her mind before you leave your house.  If she pulls a quickie on you after you get there, tell her it’s not convenienient for you to do her shopping.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!

Dear Auntie Linda, My son and daughter-in-law stayed with me three weeks while they were waiting for their house to be completed.  My thirteen year old granddaughter told me something that really disturbs me.  I loaned them twenty thousand dollars to put down on this house.  Betsy wants her room painted sky blue so she can paint a butterfly on one wall and birds and flowers on the others.  A crazy paint job like that might ruin the resale value of the house.  I know my son will pay me back what he owes me, but he found out he was diabetic last week.  I am worried now my daughter-in-law might not pay me back if something happens to him before he repays me.  Should I ask my son to make provisions to pay the loan?  Worried Mother

Dear Worried, I don’t think that paint job will do irreparable harm to the house, but I do think your callous request will irreparably harm your relationship with you son and his wife.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Dear Auntie Linda, August, 9, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I underwent genetic testing before attempting to start a family, since a genetic disorder runs in his family.  He was found to carry a dominant gene.  I carry the  recessive gene, meaning our natural children would be affected.  When I shared this devastating news with my mother, she confided that she had always feared I had been conceived during an indiscretion during a bad patch she and my father went through.  I am the second of three children, the only daughter.  I love my mother, but have always been closer to my father.  She has begged for my forgiveness and asked me not to tell my father.  I would never consider hurting him this way, but I am furious at my mother of robbing me of a family through her selfishness.  How do I deal with this?  Heartsick

Dear Heartsick,  This is a sad situation.  I feel for you, your husband, and your mother in your disappointment.  Your mother must be heartbroken to know her indiscretion is the reason you can’t have children.  But by the same reasoning, it it the reason you are who you are.  You and your parents are all exactly the same people you were before you found this out.  I know your mother will always regret this.  I hope for your sake and hers, you can forgive her.  Bitterness is a heavy burden.  I hope there will be a way for you to have children in your life.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  Mother is seventy-four and in love with the telephone.  She is healthy and independent, but can’t leave the phone alone.  I try to head her off by calling her before I go to work every morning, but almost without fail, she calls me back to tell me something she forgot to tell me, even though I ask if that’s all she had to tell me before I hang up.  I check in when I get in in the evening.  Same routine.  As soon as the call is finished, she remembers one more thing she just has to tell me and calls right back.  I’ve asked her to hold her news for the next call, but she refuses.  Sometimes, if I’ve already talked to her a couple of times that day, I just don’t answer, calling back a few hours later, hoping to consolidate a few calls.  Is this horrible?  Then my sisters get rapid-fire phone calls telling on me. I’ve asked Mother not to call till she has a few things to say, but sometimes, I get separate calls purely to tell me the mailman is late, Kroger has apples on special, or Walgeen didn’t have the PruneLax and now she’ll be constipated for three days.  By the way, talking on the phone isn’t my favorite thing since I work in a call center.  Don’t call me, please.

Dear Don’t Call, Sounds like your best bet is to make Mama mad.  No really, I doubt there’s much you can do except say you’ll call back when you can.  She will probably be mad, but that’s better than both of you being mad all the time.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband is a prominent Baptist Minister.  He had an automobile accident and was brought to the emergency room wearing lacy women’s underwear, as is his habit. His clothes were cut off and not returned to me.  He is now recovering well. He is an excellent minister, a good husband and father,  but I have always lived in fear that this secret would come out and ruin our lives.  I have been waiting for days, but haven’t heard a whisper. Is it likely this will leak out?   I am so worried.  Pins and Needles.

Dear Pins and Needles,  I worked as an emergency room nurse for many years. I am sorry to disappoint you, but it would far take more than a minister wearing lacy panties to get a second glance in the emergency room.  Had he walked in shading himself with a parasol, wearing a tutu and carrying his severed head under his arm, he might have gotten a look, otherwise, forget it.  Hospital personnel face severe legal penalties should they violate patient confidentiality.

Joke of the Day

I’m God
Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’

‘I’m God,’ said the stranger.

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’

Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’

Laughter the best medicine.. Chihuahuas, nuts and wheezes

Dear Auntie Linda, August 8, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My daughter left town with another man, abandoning her husband and three small children..  Her husband and I have never been close, but we are cooperating to raise the children.   I am a widow and have always kept the children while they both worked, He gets off at 3:30 but doesn’t sometimes doesn’t get here till nearly 6:00 to pick up the kids.   Of course, by that time, they’ve been fed.  The situation is tense. We both have more responsibility than ever before and are dealing with a lot of anger at my daughter.  We can’t discuss problems in front of the children, of course.  You could cut the tension with a knife.  I don’t want to be paid for baby-sitting, but I do need him to pick them up when he gets off work.  If he has to work late, they sleep over.  That leaves me exhausted, with breakfasts, lunches to fix, and the problem of getting them ready for school and day care.  We are both exhausted, worried financially, stressed and angry.  How do I make him take responsibility?  There is no reason to expect a happy ending with my daughter.  Stressed Grandma

Dear Stressed,  Boy, there are no easy answers here.  You and your son-in-law will have to sit down and come up with a clear arrangement.  It is clear, he is willing to let you take on all the responsibility you will tolerate.  He is getting a free ride if you continue to provide unrestricted babysitting.  You need to make clear what hours you are available and stick to your guns.  Those kids need to be in their own beds at night and you definitely need your rest.  Your daughter has child-support responsibilities as well.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my aunt left my daughter twenty-thousand dollars.  Several years ago, I spent that money.  My daughter is now approaching twenty-one.  She expects to get her twenty-thousand dollars.  We are on very poor terms.  What do I do?   No Cash

Dear No Cash, I hope you daughter is very forgiving, otherwise, you are probably in trouble.

Dear Auntie Linda,  l have a terrible time getting school supplies and school lunches for my kids.  I wish people who could afford it would send peanut butter crackers or breakfast bars or a few extra school supplies to the school room.  It would really help a kid.  Struggling Mom

Dear Struggling, Maybe a few will.  I hope so!