Month: August 2015

Dear Auntie Linda, August 5, 2015

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda,  If I cared to own up to it, I think half my family is just trashy, on drugs, or maybe just plain nuts.  My father-in-law has a gambling problem.  He and my mother-in-law adopted a schizophrenic relative’s kids so they could add them to their disability checks, and now they keep trying to dump them on us.  Their daughter lives in a mobile home in their yard and steals everything she can get her hands on.  We are decent people and want no part of this.  What do we do? Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,  If you husband supports you, you can refuse to get involved.  Their problems will just have to be their problems.  Don’t loan money under or baby sit under any circumstances.  Sounds like they are all users and you need to set strict limits.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I was raised in a Fundamentalist Christian Faith that I no longer follow, that required very strict code of dress, no make up, long hair, women submitting to their husband in every way.  I still am in a Christian faith but my parents make no secret of their strong disappointment and disapproval.  What does it take to make people realize adults have the right to make their own decisions.  Pressured

Dear Pressured, it takes an open mind and warm heart.  Nobody knows what’s in another person’s heart.  Auntie Linda

Are You Healthy Enough for…You Know?

blReblog of an older post

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

motherAnother story about my mother, who at eighty plus is always up for a laugh. We recently visited her cardiologist for a routine checkup. She’s been seeing him for years. Noticing a few gray hairs, she studied him seriously. “Can you recommend a good cardiologist?”

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Cat That Chewed Your Two Shoes

Roy Rogers bought himself a new pair of boots.  They were a little tight, so he rubbed them up with snake oil to soften them up a little.  They smelled so bad, Dale wouldn’t have them in the house.  Roy put them out on the back porch overnight to air out a little.  The next morning when he went out to get them, he found them all chewed up and ripped to shreds.  Then he noticed mountain lion tracks all around the place.  He went back in the house to get his gun and vowed not to come back without the mountain lion that had ruined his new boots.  In a few hours he came back home with the mountain lion draped over Trigger’s back behind him.  Dale saw him coming up with the lion hanging over his horse and starting singing, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your two shoes?”

Dear Auntie Linda, August 4, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I betrayed a friend’s confidence and caused her to lose her job.  I feel horrible about it.  What do I do?  Feel like a rat.

Dear Rat, I am sure you do.  Why did you betray the confidence?  Was it necessary?  Did it relate to job performance or a moral or ethical issue related to work?  If it wasn’t necessary and you just divulged something unnecessarily, it’s not too likely you’ll salvage the friendship, but an apology might be in order.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I bought a jacket at a church thrift shop and found a diamond bracelet in the pocket.  I appraises for twelve thousand dollars.  Should I report the find to the gift shop.?  Lucky

Dear Lucky, I think it’s very likely that bracelet was accidently left in the jacket pocket.  You should report finding a bracelet to the thrift shop and leave your contact info, but I wouldn’t leave the bracelet or volunteer too much info.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My friend’s husband is seeing another woman.  Should I tell her?  Know something

Dear Know, Not unless you are the other woman and you’re wearing your running shoes.  You could be wrong or she might already know. Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

How to tell where a driver is from:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A..

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um”

Dear Auntie Linda, August 3, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My grandmother died recently.  She left her entire estate, the farm my father grew up on, to my brother.My sister and I were also very close to her. The monetary value wasn’t great.  It was just painful not to be acknowledged at all.  Why do you think she would have done this? Hurt Feelings

Dear Hurt, She may be from that old school of that feels everything goes to the eldest male heir to keep the estate intact or she may be submitting to someone else’s wishes.  I know it would be painful.  I am sorry your feelings are hurt, but her estate is hers to handle as ske wishes.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have a new baby.  My lovely mother-in-law has offered to babysit in her home next door, but we don’t feel safe accepting her offer since she is such a casual housekeeper.  She often has things scattered on the floor and spoiled spoiled food in the fridge,, for example.  Would it be insulting to ask us to keep the baby at our home?  Worried Mama

Dear Worried, Mother-in-law is likely to bring her casual habits with her.  Professional day care might be a good idea.  Auntie Linda

Blog/Link Party

Reblogged on Nutsrok.

Tasteless Dog Joke

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the world kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

Do These Things Happen to Anyone Else?

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Mother makes use of my cozy guest room frequently  Last night she awoke me complaining the bed was crawling with ants.  Sure enough, she had half-a-dozen bites.  We shook out her nightgown, treated her bites, made her a new bed down on the sofa in the living room, but I felt just terrible about it.  I’ve always made a point to keep the room just to her tastes, freshly aired and dusted, with nice linens, and a handmade quilt.  Having her jarred from sleep by ant bites was horrible.  When I got her settled, I turned the covers back and found dozens of big and small black ants, moving in trails across the expanse of the covers.  I sprayed the bed and floor with insect killer before I went back to bed.

This morning when I went in to strip the bed, I found the source of the problem.  When I opened the door late yesterday to ready Mother’s bed, Buzzy, my American Eskimo Dog came along to help.  He frequently hides treats.  Delighted to find new territory, he retrieved an old piece of cornbread he’d apparently just dug up from its hiding place in the yard.  Unbeknownst to us, he slipped it up under the pillow in preparation for Mother’s visit.  It attracted ants beautifully.  The bed was fully loaded for Mother.