Month: August 2015

Joke of the Day

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love,” came the reply.

The old man responded, “I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

Woman Joke

Wanted to give equal time so I put in a woman Joke

Cats

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They’re totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They’re moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Joke of the Day

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 

Ask Auntie Linda, August 2, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my husband and I have been married seven years.  He is a loving husband and wonderful father.  He is a good provider.  The only problem is, he will not help at all in the house.  We cannot afford to hire help.  I am exhausted and at my wit’s end.  I am tired of working a full-time job and doing all the housework.  What do I do? Exhausted

Dear Exhausted, I never figured that one out. As soon as Mr. Helpful gets in from work on Friday,  try reasoning with him. When that blows up in your face, try crying, shaming, begging, pleading, and withholding sex. You’ll have a wonderful weekend, and maybe makeup sex late Sunday. Seriously,  If he hasn’t helped in seven years, he isn’t going to.  The ball is in your court,  You’ll probably have to decide if you want to keep doing all the housework by yourself or if you want to raise the kids by yourself while trying to collect child support and wrangle for custody as you continue to do all the housework, mowing, car maintenence, and all the other things he’s doing right now that you really aren’t aware of.  My hubby and I have been married forty-five years.  I’m still doing all the housework, unfortunately.  I do have to admit, he did all the mowing, maintained the vehicles, managed all the bills, did the taxes, and got the kids off to school.  I think it really averaged out.  He helped with math and science homework and I helped with English and the rest. I think either one of us would have had a rough time alone.  Good luck!

Dear Auntie Linda,  When we spent the night  at my mother-law’s house last month, I left my new nightgown and earrings lying on the bed when I left.  I called back and asked her to save them for me.  She said she never saw them.  The next time I visited, my mother-in-law was wearing my nightgown and my sister-in-law was wearing my earrings.  I had made the gown and earrings myself, so there was no mistake that they were mine.  I let it go, since it would have been very awkward for my husband, but iit left me feeling very weird.  i didn’t mention it to my husband.  How do I handle this?  Big surprise at MIL’s House

Dear Big Surprise, I think you handled it with dignity.  It was kind of you not to mention it to your husband.  I can’t think of any way getting those items back would have gone well for any of you.  I’ll bet you’ll be a lot happier without them and that husband could tell you some stories.  Bet nobody will have to remind you to lock your suitcase next time.

Dear Auntie Linda, Several of my retired neighbors meet every morning on our patios for coffee.  It’s very congenial most of the time, except for one lady who sometimes goes off  on a tangent.  She gets excited and tells us about who she “told off” and tries to drag the rest of us into the situation.  Her focus can be the mail carrier, the water meter reader, or one of the neighbors.  None of us has. a dog in her fight and nobody wants to hear her complaints or get involved.  What is the best way to handle it?  Not Nosy

Dear Not Nosy,  It takes more than one to be involved.  Make a point to be “deaf..”  My husband frequently accuses me of mumbling.  Maybe she mumbles, too.  Ask Joe Jones across the table to pass the cream.  Tell Betty you need just a little more coffee.  If no one responds, she probably give up for the moment.  Repeat as needed.  And don’t get your hearing tested!  Sounds like it’s perfect to me!  Auntie Linda

Men!

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn’t come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

Ask Auntie Linda, July 31, 2015

DAuntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, This is not a problem, just thought maybe one of your readers could answer a question for me.  My husband’s ninety-year-old grandmother is in remarkably good health with a sound mind.  She has always worked in her yard a lot.  She showed me her trick for not getting poison ivy.  It sounds crazy but she swears it works.  She hammered a lead fishing weight flat and wears it pinned to her bra in contact with her skin when she thinks she might come in contact with poison ivy.  She said she has never broken out when she does this.  Has anyone else ever heard of this and if I tried it, would I be likely to get lead poisoning?  Very Allergic

Dear Allergic, Never heard of this.  Let’s see if readers can help out.

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband is becoming such a tightwad it is difficult to deal with him.  We are not short on money.   We are retired with adequate income to pay cash for everything we buy.  I am sick of hearing constant complaints of how much my haircuts, clothes, flowers, and things for the house cost.  I am not extravagant and have contributed equally our entire marriage.  It is not a problem when he needs things.  What, besides constant fighting, is the answer here?  Had it

Dear Had it, Sounds like you need to have a little sit down and compare where the money is going.  Might be that you need your own account so he doesn’t need to worry about where your money is going.  I’ll bet you could get by nicely on about the same amount he spends, couldn’t you?  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My grandmother is pressuring me to go to her college and study nutrition.  I love her and don’t want to disappoint her, but don’t want to do this.  How do I keep from hurting her feelings.  Other plans.

Dear Other plans,  You just explained it beautifully to me.  You sound like a great kid.  Granny will just have to understand.

Joke of the Day

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”