A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
Month: September 2015
Joke of the Day
Good News Bad News
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Noah and His First Three Lives Update
A little update on Noah, he seems to be adjusting well and has made a friend or two.
He had a little party last night.
He has a huge, soft bed and Izzy’s favorite toy all to himself.
Izzy is trying to get used to sleeping on the floor since Noah threw her out of her own bed. To follow Noah on Instagram, check out wheresmyark_
Momma’ View 21 Day challenge, Day Three
The crashing of the waves is the only thing that quiets my mind as I am immersed in the sound, the power, and the eternal energy of pounding surf. Every wave that washes in empties me until I am completely at peace.
Photo Challenge #77, Golden Hour, September 8, 2015 – Life Is…..
Reblogged on Nutsrok. Please reach out for help or to help another.
Life can seem like that at times
That we are going no where.
That day to day it’s a case of the doldrums.
We can float through life with purpose
Direction and focus
Or we meander aimlessly
From one support to another
Where life is meaningless
And the alternative does become
A way to rid ourselves of the pain we feel
And so often the purposelessness
That life has become.
Its not always our fault
The circumstances of a person’s life
So often comes into play.
It is never for us to judge another’s actions.
A wise man once said to me
We cannot know what was happening
In a person’s mind in the moments before
They made that fatal choice.
I have known students I taught
Who took their own lives
And on every occasion
I recalled them as kids sitting in my classroom.
They were innocent, intelligent,
Had…
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Evening Chuckle
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.”
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.”
Again, there is a bright flash and……….both his legs fall off.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates who greets him. “Welcome to Heaven. You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”
The cat answered, ”Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you ? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are best.
Framed!
I spent most of the summer away from home this year. My friend Ann, the charming lady in the background above was my gracious host. One morning, she asked me if I’d like to pay a visit to her favorite resale shop. She’d found some bargains and had to go back with the cash to pay for them It was a great sale; everything was five dollars. In fact, earlier that day, she had gotten a pair of Gucci Loafers and the gorgeous leather bag you see me clutching above. Jackson, her little dog was snuggled in the bag for the duration. I should have known from the worried look on his face that Ann might be plotting to rid herself of her summer-long guest. The store was packed. Women were trying on clothes in the aisles. One customer’s skirt was sold while she was busy trying on another in the aisle. As Ann rifled the racks hoping for one last bargain, I held Jackson and her purse, moving to stand in a breeze near the front door. The shop owner, recognizing the beautiful bag Ann had bought there just that morning, called out to warn her I was stealing her bag. Not realizing who she was talking to, I stood there like a dope, looking around for the purse thief. In a minute or two, Ann realized what was going on and saved me from arrest. It’s a good thing I had Jackson concealed on my person, or she might have just let them haul me off.
Ask Auntie Linda, September 8, 2015
My son, Craig, a junior in college, married Betsy six months ago. They have a three-month old girl. They planned to get married any, sometime, just moved it up when the baby surprised them. They share a job as apartment managers that works around his classes and furnishes an apartment. He has a job unloading grocery trucks seven mornings a week. She babysits for a professor some evenings and weekends so they can manage without a babysitter. Betsy’s mother is pressing Betsy and the baby to come home and live with her till Craig graduates. Betsy could go to community college. Craig could come in on weekends. They are barely scraping by, now. They can’t handle any extra expenses. The grandparents could all help with childcare. I am afraid Craig will let his grades drop, lose his scholarship and not get into med school. He only has three semesters to complete. Doesn’t this seem like a reasonable plan? Proud but Worried Mama
Dear Proud, What do Betsy and Craig think? It sounds like they are both smart, hard-workers. I’d be willing to bet they have strong ideas about being together. Chances are, they’ll figure it out without any help, unless they ask. If you want to help, wait till you asked. Then, you can make your own wise decision. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, I think my house might be haunted. I moved here a few months ago from the city and got an unbelievable deal on it. The realtor said it had belonged to an old couple who went into a nursing home and later died. I called the realtor back and asked if there were any claims of haunting, but she denied it. Everything was quiet at first, but recently I have started hearing movement overhead. My dog has barked so I know he hears the noises, too. No one can get in since I have a security system. What do I do? I hate as my neighbors and have them think I am crazy. Scared
Dear Scared, It wouldn’t be surprising if squirrels or raccoons have gotten into your attic. They fight, scrap, and make a tremendous amount of noise in the attic. Before you call Ghost Busters get pest control to check it out for you. Auntie Linda
The Jackeroo
Re logged from Momma’s View. Thanks
I love a good joke. Unfortunately I can rarely remember them. When I read this one I almost spilled my coffee.
Linda, this one is for you…
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
“I’m too young to die,” she wails.
Then she yells, “If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of…
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