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Great tip from Belinda Crane

Give Us This Day

imageColonel Sanders called the Pope up one day and said, “You’ve got to help me out.  Chicken sales are way down.  I’ll pay you $10 million to change the Lord’s Prayer  to give us this day our Daily Chicken.”

The Pope said,”I can’t do that.  We can’t just change the Lord’s Prayer!”

The Colonel let it go but was back begging a few days later, “Your imminence, please help!  I’ll donate $50 million to the church!”

“Absolutely not!” Answered the Pope.  “The Lord’s Word is not for sale!”

A month or two later the Colonel was back.” Your imminence.  Please help!  All you have to do is change the Lord’s Prayer to give us our Daily Chicken.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Can’t you help me out for a $100 Million donation to the church?

“Well,” said the Pope.” That’s too great a donation for me to turn down without speaking to my advisors.  Let me speak to them and get back to you.”

When he spoke to the Cardinals, he said, “We’ve been offered a huge donation, but it’s not all good news.  It’s going to cost us the Wonder Bread Account.”

MEDS COCKTAIL PARTY SEPTEMBER 10th World Suicide Prevention Day

Reblog on nutsrok

That “Kathy Bates” Look

kathy bates in misery

Though it’s been awhile since I inflicted any mayhem upon him, my brother says it still gives him the “willies” when I get that “Kathy Bates” look.  I think he’s referring to the Annie Wilkes character she plays so winningly in the movie “Misery.”  To set the record straight, I love Kathy Bates and am delighted to be compared to her.  I find her personality sunny and delightful.  I don’t know what his problem is.   My brother and I had a few dustups as we grew up together, but goodness gracious, what children didn’t?  True, I had to set him straight from time to time, but never actually broke his legs with a sledgehammer.  We were raised in a Christian home and both knew Mother would murder us if we ever harmed each other to the point that one of us had to have stitches or a cast.  Money didn’t grow on trees.  Is there anything at all in this sweet face to suggest a “Kathy Bates” look?

First Grade School Picture

First Grade School Picture

Joke of the Day

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers

. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Swinging in a Waterfall

Ask Auntie Linda, September 2, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My daughter and I have been estranged  since I divorced her father twelve years ago and remarried.  She chose to stay with her father since I was leaving a loveless marriage for another man.  She has refused to see me since then.  She is now pregnant with her first child.  I have written and asked to see her with hopes of reconciling, but she has refused.  What more can I do?  I’d love to see her and my grandchild.  Lonely Grandma

Dear Lonely, You could write apologizing for the pain she felt growing up without a mother, making no excuses for yourself nor blaming her father in any way.  She knows you want to see her.  After, that, the ball is in her court.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My friend Tessie is living  with Joe and plans to marry him at Christmas.  This will be Tessie’s second marriage and Joe’s fourth.  I’ve seen Joe out with another woman.  Should I tell her?  Friend

Dear Friend, Can Tessie count?  If I were about to marry a man who’d already been married four times, I’d have to ask a question or two.  Nobody has that much bad luck.  If Tessie can’t figure it out, she probably won’t believe you.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I shop regularly at the local Goodwill and recently bought a pair a jeans for six dollars.  When I put them on later, I found five one-hundred dollar bills rolled up in the pocket.  I felt like it had to be left there by mistake , so I returned to the store to report I’d found a significant amount of money in a jeans pocket.  The management said it was not uncommon for people to find a five or ten in a pocket, but that was the most anyone had ever reported.  No one reported a loss, so the money was mine.  I suspect it was a kind-hearted donor.  Lucky Goodwiller

Dear Lucky,  Wouldn’ it be great if everybody helped when they could!

Ask Auntie Linda, September 1, 2015

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, My husband  is seventy-four and I am sixty- eight.  We are retired Military.  We built a house near our only daughter’s family. at their home in the mountains in Virginia just two years ago so our daughter could help us out.  Now her husband has taken a job in Miami and wants us to buy a houseboat to dock near them. We don’t think that’s a great idea. My husband has Parkinson’s Disease and I have Diabetic Neuropathy.  He is a good man and I don’t want to make him mad.   Need Help

Dear Need Help, I’ll be generous here and just say your son in law is out in la-la land.  If I were more critical I might say he planned to hornswoggle you out of a houseboat.  I believe if I moved to Miami, I’d invest in a nice condo and keep my business to myself.

Dear Auntie Linda,  My mother brought me a special cheesecake.  I offered to share the the last piece when she came over one day and she refused, but when I went in to get it later, she’d slipped back in and scooped the whipped cream off the top, ruining it.  Why didn’t she just take it or leave it?  Messed up

Dear Messed Up,  I guess she had gifter’s remorse or thought you were blind?  Auntie Linda

A Few Good Senior Moments

reblogged from Oyia Brown

Joke

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

‘We’re going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we’ll hire.’

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

‘Well,’ said he, ‘you’ve both got nine out of ten, but I’m giving Mick the job.’

‘Why’s that?’ asked Pat.

‘Well,’ said the manager, ‘you both got the same question wrong but he had

‘I don’t know this’ and you had ‘Neither do I!’.