Month: September 2015

Joke of the Day

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”


Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”

“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”

“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”


“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.” –

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”

The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”

The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”

26 Responses Actually Given in Court/ Evening Chuckle

Actual Court Sayings!
30 things people actually said in court

Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.

Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?

Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?

Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Ask Auntie Linda, September 25, 2015

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, My wife had left me for another man and filed for divorce when she was diagnosed with kidney failure.  She is on dialysis, the transplant list and unable to work now.  We share custody of the children. Her other man is gone and she wants to reconcile now, since she needs my benefits and financial support.  I am sorry she is having these problems, but I don’t want to get back into a miserable, volatile marriage.  When we separated, I moved out, leaving Betty and the children in the family home. I continued to pay half the mortgage but since Betty is no longer able to pay her portion, I can’t pay the full mortgage and my apartment rent.  Betty’s parents invited her to move in with them in their home about two blocks away so I move back in the family home with the children,   That way we could still share custody.  Betty is furious, insisting we reconcile.  Am I wrong to go forward with divorce?  Trapped

Dear Trapped. This is an awful situation for both of you and the children.  I can understand you don’t want to get pulled back into a miserable situation.  You wife will be able to qualify for Social Security and Medicare benefits since she is on dialysis.  When she has some benefits, you should be able to work this out equitably.  A peaceful home is a blessing.

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister-in-law is sixty-eight.  She is an extremely attractive woman, but she is sixty-eight.  She has always been extremely proud of herself, flashing cleavage and showing a lot of leg, but doesn’t seem to notice she has aged.  It’s startling to see crepey bosoms, a muffin top, and wrinkled knees.  There’s no way anybody in their right mind would want to see this.  It’s embarrassing when people stare or turn away and giggle.  Should I say something to her?  Oh No!

Dear Oh No!  Feel free to tell her if you have nothing better to waste your time on.  Sounds like she sees with her memory, not her mirror.  It might not hurt to get a picture, though.  Auntie Linda

10 Words That Don’t Exist, but Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Mrs. Johnson Sets Me Straight

imageThe time I spent getting to know my patients was the best part of nursing.  As a hospital dialysis nurse, during the course of a four-hour treatment, we had a lot of time to talk.  One of my favorite patients was a lively little seventy-year old lady, the mother of twenty-one children.  I never knew what she’d have to say.  When I expressed my amazement at her having so had many, she told me, “It wasn’t so bad. I had a set of twins, so I was only pregnant twenty times.”

“You must be proud of your kids,” I answered.

“Huh,” she snorted.  “Ain’t half of ’em worth the powder it’d take to blow ’em away.  I gotta keep my purse right with me.”

“Oh.”  I had no other response to that.

She was always full of wild tales about getting the best of her “old man” who was twenty years older than she.  I inferred they had a warm relationship, but she straightened me out when  I expressed my condolences at her next treatment after his death.

“Mrs. Johnson, I ‘m sorry to her of your loss.  I know you must miss your husband.”  I dreaded the lonely times ahead for her.

She cackled.  “I’m glad that old devil from hell is gone.  I thought for sure he was gonna outlive me.  My daddy gave me to him when I wad’n but thirteen years old.  He beat me ever’day long as he was able.  I was so proud when he got old and stoved up so I could take a piece of a firewood to him any time I got ready.  I mean to tell you I whooped him many a time.”

She always gave me plenty to think about.

Wisdom From Senior Citizens

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

12. It was so different before everything changed.

13. Some day’s you’re the dog, and some day’s you’re the hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.


Dear Auntie Linda, September 24, 2015

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband and I raise beef cattle.  We recently slaughtered a prime beef and divided it between ourselves and our three children. Later, my four-year-old grandson told us his mother, my daughter-in-law fed “that old cow” to the dogs. I was stunned and asked her.  She admitted she had, saying she didn’t like beef off the farm.  We are furious, but don’t want to cause trouble between her and my son.  Their marriage is rocky and they fight like cats and dogs, already.  My son obviously has no idea since he has mentioned several times that “Susie” needs to cook some of that beef.  Meanwhile, we seethe at her insulting behavior.  Why on earth would she have fed good beef to dogs when so many people would have been glad to have it?  Insulted

Dear Insulted,  Sounds like a statement to me.  Your gift was unwelcome.  You were right not to say anything.  This couple has plenty to deal with now.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We are people of moderate means.  My husband is a principal and I am a teacher.  Our son is marrying a wealthy young woman.  The wedding will be in Hawaii.  The cost of the trip, lodging, and attire for ourselves and our other college-age son already  stretches our budget.  We can afford to host a modest restaurant dinner for the wedding party. but there is no way we or our son can afford the cost of a rehearsal dinner on the scale of this extravagant wedding.  We want to share this joyous time with him and his new bride, but refuse to go into debt.  We can either go the the wedding and host a modest dinner or let her family host the rehearsal dinner, which they have offered to do..  What should we do?  Regular Folks

Dear Regular Folks, Be yourselves.  Your son knows your situation.  Go to the wedding and host the dinner you can afford.  You needn’t compete.  If the bride’s family wants something different, that’s on them.  Auntie Linda

Good to Know

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

“Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart…” Enigma

Afternoon Chuckle

There’s this bar and in the bar there is a magic mirror.

If you tell a lie it will suck you in.

One day a brunette walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says ” I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world” and it sucks her in.

The next day a redhead walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world” and it sucks her in.

The next day a blonde walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says “I think…” and it sucks her in.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?” She answers promptly, “I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”

Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, “I’d like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.”

Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, “I would go to the sun.”

Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, “Well, if you went to the sun, you’d burn to death almost instantaneously.”

The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. “Don’t be stupid! I’d go at night!”

Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.

The first blonde says, “Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” groans St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde says, “Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents.”

“Nooooo,” groans St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde says, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” says St. Peter.

But the blonde continues. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter.”

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diaper once a month?
A: The instructions clearly state, “good for up to 20 pounds

Q: What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 100?
A: A foursome.