Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, “Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.”
Donnie says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, “Where did you get that beer, Donnie?”
“Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Ronnie replies.
“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”
“Well, not exactly,” Donnie says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Cooter’s widow'”.
She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.”
Then I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.”
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”
“Second body: “Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon, Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.”
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy asks, “Did you see that?”
“No,” the second guy says.
“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says.
“Oh,” says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” the second guy asks.
“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”
“Oh.”
A few minutes later the first guy says, “Did you see that?”
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”
And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”
A drunk walks into a bar and orders a glass of whisky. He takes several gulps and… dies a sudden death.
In Heaven he begs of God, “Please, bring me back to the bar for a moment. I just want to finish drinking. There is still half a glass of whiskey left. You can even turn me into a fly or a spider, just let me drink it up.”
So God agrees, turns the drunk into a spider and take him back to the bar. The drunk finds himself on the bar ceiling, just right over the unfinished glass of whiskey.
“How can I reach for it from here?”, the drunk asks God.
“You are a spider, aren’t you? So you can make some web. Exert yourself and it’ll come out of you, so you can go down to your glass.”
The drunk exerts himself and a web really begins to come out of him. He exerts himself again and again going down to the glass. Suddenly the web stops.
“What should I do now? I’m doing my best, but there is no more web!”
“Exert yourself as hard as you can!”, God advises.
The drunk makes one more effort with his last bit of strength and… Suddenly he feels someone tap on his shoulder… and hears his wife’s voice, “John, wake up! You’ve pooped your pants!!!!
Nutsrok 