Month: September 2015

Evening Chuckle

Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Dem’ smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

“Where can I buy one?” he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

“I’ll take him,” says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can’t bring him over today. I don’t work on Sunday morrow OK?

“Sure.”

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, “sorry, bad news.”

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

“Can’t, spent it already!”

“Well… unload the mule then.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“Raffle him off!”

“Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!”

“Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.”

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

“What did ya do with that dead mule?”

“Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!”

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said “that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed…they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said “naw, that can’t be my goat…he was chained to a railroad tie.”

What Did You Say?

My husband,Bud,used to work with Jeb, an older fellow who was deaf as a post, but couldn’t be bothered with a hearing aid.  Jeb followed the conversation as best he could, and guessed at the rest.  In his  younger days, he’d run a full-service filling station.  Jeb was filling up a lady’s automobile one day when she asked if he had Resr Room.  He heard whisk broom, not Rest Room    “No Ma’am we don’t.”. He said,  noting the dirt on the mat at her feet.  “But just lift your feet up.  I’ll blow it out with the air hose.”

Bo

“Don’t She Look Natural!”

Reblog of an old post

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

This is an excerpt from Kathleen’s Memoirs of the 1930’s, my book in  progress.  Kathleen grew up in rural East Texas in the 1930’s  during the height of The Great Depression.

The events surrounding Aunt Ellie’s death were a thrilling event for me since we hadn’t invested too much affection in each other.  The wake was unforgettable with all its glorious food:  fried chicken, peach cobbler, deviled eggs, bread ‘n butter pickles, dainties not seen outside “dinner on the grounds.”   Sprinkled with carbolic acid, Aunt Ellie lay in a pine box

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Wordless Wednesday

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Ask Auntie Linda, September 16, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband is a do-it-yourselfer.  That sounds like a good thing, except that most of the time, he doesn’t finish the job or things don’t always work smoothly.  One time he got in a fender bender and decided to do the body work himself.  He never finished the job.  He drilled a hole in the fender to pull the dent out then filled the dent in with Bondo.  He put the primer on and never got around to the final paint job.  For two years, I was stuck driving a bright yellow car with a primed fender.  Best of all, when I drove over fifty, the hole in the fender made a high, shrill whistle.  It was horribly embarrassing. When he adjusted my brakes, they squealed forever after.  Everybody knew when I was headed their way.  When he put in a new sink, he got the faucets reversed and tightened the drain so much it cracked.  Sometimes things work out fine, but there are dozens of unfinished jobs, or jobs with crazy reminders that he was there.  He painted three sides of the house and didn’t get back to the job for a year.  I absolutely hate it when he tackles a project, knowing it may not ever be finished or may be wacky.  He won’t hire work done, saying he can’t trust anybody to do it right!  What in the world is he thinking?  Disgusted Wife

Dear Disgusted,  I feel your pain.  I would hate dealing with that problem.  Make a list of his messes.  Next time, tell him if he doesn’t get it right or finish the job, you will hire somebody to fix it.  Stick with your guns.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  We have three children and seven grandchildren.  At least one of the children asks us to babysit every weekend.  As often as not, they don’t bring everything the children need: diapers, clothes for church, even enough formula.  Almost every weekend, we have to make an emergency trip to the store for something.  We are tired of running a weekend daycare and their irresponsibility but don’t want to totally miss out on the grandchildren.  We just want to have the grandchildren for occasional visits, not devote every weekend to them. Tired Grandparents

Dear Tired.  Tell the kids what you told me.  No one should be dumping their kids on grandparents.  Let them know you are a grandparent, not a child-care service.  Stick to your guns.  They may get mad, but they’ve got the same clothes to get glad in.

Joke of the Day

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.” The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to another blonde?”

Evening Chuckle

A woman went into the local bar with a goose under her arm.  The outraged bar owner came rushing over.  “Why did you bring that pig in here?” he demanded.

“You idiot!  This is a goose!” said the woman.

“I was talking to the goose,” said the bar owner.

Dear Auntie Linda, September 15, 2015

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,. Joe and I have been married four years and have a newborn son.  We live outside a Midwest city.  Joe has been working for a chemical company and I am a stay at home mom and artist.  Our lives are good.  Uncle Jake, called last week to ask Joe to take over his 800 acre farm twenty-eight miles outside town, so he can retire.  Joe will inherit the farm upon Uncle Jake’s death.  Joe worked for Uncle Jake summers and holidays all through high school and college and has always looked forward to having the farm one day.  I know this is a wonderful opportunity, but I’ve never lived in the country and am worried about leaving my family, friends, and the comfortable life we have built. I am worried about schools and social opportunities for my son. What if we move way out in the country and I hate rural living?  City Girl

Dear City Girl, Twenty-eight miles isn’t that far.  A half-hour automobile ride gets you back to town.  Inheriting a farm sounds like a wonderful opportunity, especially since Joe knows what he is getting into.  If you give farm life a try, you may find you like it.  Since you are a stay at home mother and artist, you can work as well there as in the city. Growing up on a farm can enhance your children’s lives in many ways.  Certainly, they will have more time with parents.  A great deal of a child’s education is parental input.  There are advantages to rural life.  Life is what you make.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I got a call from my sister last week confessing that she had “borrowed” my information for a loan.  We have sequential drivers license and social security numbers since got them together on the same day.  She was able to convince a friend to accept my forged signature on an affadvit at her credit union as co-signer on a loan.  Since I am co-signer, they are coming after me for payment.  She pulled this same trick on my mother many years ago, getting my mother deep in debt.  I have no intention of paying this loan.  How do you deal with this kind of betrayal from family?  Rotten Sister

Dear Rotten, You are right not to get sucked in.  Your sister made this mess; it is hers to deal with.  Just distance yourself and don’t give her a second chance.  If you see her at family gatherings, just keep it casual.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go about it. His neighbor volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy to bring them over in the pickup the next day. In the afternoon when he went to pick them up, the city boy asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was told to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn’t worked. The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbors. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, “Where the hell are the pigs today?” Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, “They’re down in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!”

This reporter gets this lead on this story about this really special pig. So he goes to interview the pig’s owner for the evening broadcast. He drives to the house, knocks on the door. The man opens the door and invites him inside. The reporter says, “I understand that you’ve got a very special pig here.” The man says, “Special? Hell son, let me tell you some stories about that pig.”
“About ten years ago, I found this pig by the roadside. He had dropped off of a pickup truck, and left for dead. So I went and picked him up and nursed him back to health. About two years later the whole family was asleep, and the house and barn caught on fire. The pig busted into the window, woke me up, and told me the house was on fire.  ” The reporter is stunned. “You mean to tell me that that pig can talk?” “Hell, yes, he can talk,” says the farmer. “This pig is helping to perfect the cold fusion process, and he’s on the lecture circuit, making $10,000 per speech.”
The reporter asks the farmer hastily, “Can we go see this miracle pig now???” The farmer replies, “Sure we can.” So they go out into the farmyard, and there, sitting on the fence smoking a cigarette is this pig missing one front leg and one hind leg. The pig says to the reporter, “Hello there. Beautiful weather, isn’t it? I haven’t seen weather this pretty since I was sailing the Barbados…” The reporter is too stunned to respond. He drags the farmer back into the house, and says, “Dammit, you’re right. The pig can talk!!!” The farmer says, “See, I told you.” Then the reporter says, “I’ve just got one question. What happened to his legs?”
The farmer says, “You see, son, a pig that smart, you just CAN’T eat him all at once.”