I am so excited! My dear friend, Erika Kind is coming to visit tomorrow. We have so many wonderful things planned, including a visit to Kruti Mehta of Ten Evening Flowers. I wish I could meet all my WordPress friends. I met Dot from Vanbytheriver this summer. It was an experience I’ll never forget. I felt like I was meeting a long lost sister. I will be occupied until October 31 and probably won’t get much posting done. Don’t forget about me!
Little Johnny jokes
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”
Marriage jokes
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers “God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.” Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: “God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.” The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. “God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy.” This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. “I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today.” “You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?” the wife yelled, “The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!”
Little Johnny jokes
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.” The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.” Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re a–holes!”
Military jokes
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
Marriage jokes
A man goes to see a wizard and says “can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?” The man replies without hesitation “I pronounce you man and wife …”
Company’s a Coming!
Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders a beer. Three flies fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man’s beer.
The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says “Tutto e bene!” (“All is well!”), and drinks the beer.
The Frenchman scowls, shows his beer – with the bug still inside it – to the bartender, and demands another.
The Irishman yanks the fly out of the beer, grabs it by its wings, shakes it angrily and yells, “Cough it up, you wee thievin’ bastard!”
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” he replied. “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
A turtle is going down a road when he is robbed by four snails. After recovering his wits, he decides to report it to the police. “Can you give me a description the snails who robbed you?” asked the police officer.
“Not really,” replied the turtle. “You see, it all happened so fast.”
This butler came running into the master’s room. He said, ‘Sir there’s a ghost outside in the corridor. What shall I do?’
The master said, ‘Tell him I can’t see him.
One dark night, two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” – the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
A daring vacationer is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!!”
Re logged from Chris the Storyreading Ape
One of the hardest parts of being a nurse is comforting and supporting the bereaved family at the time of death. Normally, family members are heartbroken, grieving at the death. On a few occasions, I witnessed something different. Mr. Jones, an elderly patient owned a successful insurance agency. Every morning, he donned freshly laundered silk pajamas. When discharged, He wore a fine finest suit, shirt, shoes, and hat and took great pride in being noticed. He bragged of buying a new Cadillac every year, dining at the most prestigious restaurants, and enjoying a membership at The Country Club.
His son, Junior Jones was in his late fifties and had always worked for Daddy. It appeared Mr. Jones was none to generous nor kind to Junior. Junior dressed in cheap clothes and drove an ancient compact car. It must have been miserable since he was so tall he had to fold up like a jackknife to fit in it. When Junior came to the hospital to consult with Daddy about the business, Daddy was condescending, snide, and critical, never showing Junior the least respect.
One the morning Daddy died, we’d called to notify Junior his father’s death appeared imminent. Junior came streaking into his father’s room just moments before Mr. Jones’ death. I offered my condolences. Junior ignored me, opened the drawer of the bedside table, dug out the keys to his father’s Cadillac, his father’s checkbook and left the room without speaking. A nursing assistant who was a friend of the family walked him out to the parking garage. He handed her the keys to his small car and drove off in his father’s big, black Cadillac. That was different! I guess he’d had enough.
Reblog of an older post
Five of Maw Maw’s seven children. My father, Bill Swain is the little boy with wet pants holding the cap. One more child was born after this picture was made. It is likely someone just happened by with a camera and snapped this shot.
View original post 443 more words
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: ‘Great Boris Karloff Mask,’
And you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, ‘Trick or…’
And can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway
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Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
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Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
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Nutsrok 