Month: October 2015

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Wordless Wednesday

Watson in Bathtub

things a Dad Would Never Say

imageWell, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.

Musings on My Father, on His Birthday (Part 1)

parents wedding pic

Bill and Kathleen Swain’s Wedding Picture, June 29,1945

family3   My father and some of his siblings.  He is the small boy with the wet pants holding his cap.

If my father had lived, he’d be ninety-one today.  I’ve been thinking about him all day.  He was born to share-croppers during the deepest of The Great Depression.  He was shaped by it, just like everyone else.  He was fourth of seven children.  His father died young, leaving a widow and three young girls still at home.  Bill was thirteen and never really lived at home again.  He worked and lived wherever he could for something to eat and maybe a little something to bring home to his mother and the three sisters left at home.  He said he worked a whole day chopping bushes in the winter rain one for a five-pound bag of meal.  He spent a lot of time at his Uncle Albert’s home.  Though Uncle Albert wasn’t always kind, he always provided him a home and something to eat when Daddy showed up.

He was over six feet tall at fifteen, and passing for seventeen, got his first job for the public, as a watchman at a drill rig.  It wasn’t far from his mother’s house, and sometimes he’d slip home to get something to eat.  His older brother got him on as a greaser in the oilfield soon afterward.

He joined the Navy at seventeen at the start of World War II, knowing he’d be drafted, choosing the Navy because he heard they got regular meals.  He never intended to be hungry again if he could help it.

Upon discharge from the Navy, he joined a construction crew running heavy equipment, and met and married my mother in East Texas.  They barely knew each other. Before long, they moved back to Northwest Louisiana, where he got on at International Paper Company and worked thirty-five years.

I knew my father as a driven, difficult man.  He was very loving to us when we were younger, but didn’t deal well with older children.  He made it clear he preferred having our “respect” than “love.”  I don’t think he understood he could have had both. I loved him dearly as a small child, but he wasn’t comfortable with girls and distanced himself from his girls as we grew older, thinking we were Mother’s responsibility then.

Daddy bought remote, unimproved acreage to build a cattle farm in my early teen years.  I thought that was wonderful till I learned the reality of what that entailed.  The place hadn’t been farmed in decades.  The house place under three huge oaks was overgrown in a locust thicket.   Locusts bushes are covered in long, sharp thorns, almost as hard as iron.  We had to help clear that thicket, pile it and burn it before the slab for the house could be poured.  Many times one of us stepped on a locust thorn and had it pierce our shoe and go into our foot,  sometimes more than an inch deep.  When you pulled it out, the tip was left to get infected and fester for days before it swelled and shot out in a purulent core.   The process was hurried along by soaking the pierced foot in hot salt water.  I don’t think any of us ever went to the doctor; it was such a common problem. We learned to dread those locust thorns.  For several years after we moved there, those locust thorns would turn up in our feet.   (to be continued)

Afternoon Funny

The Real Story
Funny Cartoon Pictures | Funny Pictures, Weird Pics, Amazing and ...Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga. The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up. The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up. The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said ok death by Unga Bunga

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest
and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table
and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.


I Am Out of  Here


It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mommy Bear who set the table.
It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out,

cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence … listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time … I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!!”

Joke of the day

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn’t wear a balaclava. He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said “I think my wife got a glimpse”

Ask Auntie Linda, October 20, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am seventy-two years old and recently widowed.  I have three sisters and a brother I love dearly, but my older sister is cold, critical, and very difficult to tolerate.  I love her boys and look forward to seeing them at family gatherings.  Both Nona and I were recently widowed.  Her husband was a lovely man and a dear friend to both me and my late husband so we maintained a relationship for his sake.  None of our siblings nor her boys will have anything to do with Nona..  She has recently moved less than a mile from me without telling me till after she bought a house. She also joined my church.  I am very upset dreading the trouble she will stir up with my church friends.  I have struggled to maintain a relationship with Nona but don’t want to deal with her on a regular basis,  How do I tolerate her?  I don’t want to have to move to get away.  Avoiding Trouble

Dear Avoiding, She must be a miserable piece of work if everybody cut her off.  You will have to set strict limits on your relationship.  Your friends will figure her out for themselves.  You are not responsible.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother used my personal information to get credit and has ruined my credit.  I don’t know what to do.  I can struggle to pay her debts or report her for identity theft, for which she will be prosecuted.  I won’t do that.  Mother and I had a good relationship.  I never dreamed she’d do such a thing.  She has begged me not to tell my father.  I feel hopeless, graduating with student loan debt and now my mother’s debt hanging over my head.  I am working now and living at home to save money, but my father has asked me to pay $300 rent.  Under normal circumstances, I would expect to do this.  I believe in paying my way, but can’t afford rent and debt repayment.  I need to stay here until the debt is paid, about three years.  What in the world do I do?  In a Bind

Dear Bind,  You mother betrayed your trust and is now asking you to be complicit in deceiving your father.  This is wrong.  She needs to come clean with your father and make good on her debt so you can meet your responsibilities.  Auntie Linda

Evening Chuckle

2007-09-29-simple-life-reunion-show

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

Twelve Great Diet Excuses

Real Life Adventures. Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich.:

Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.

Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

But the doughnut was calling my name.

But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.

I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.

The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

Frank & Ernest

Joke of the Day

imageWhen I Was Your Age …

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”
In unison they all replied, “You win!”

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”.
An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!” The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?” She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”