Month: October 2015

Evening Chuckle

image1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Afternoon Funny

Joke of the Day

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Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…

Kitchen light
A blonde tells to another blonde:
– Do you know where the light from the kitchen goes when you turn it off?
– No
The blonde takes another blonde to the fridge and says: HERE.

Stuck in elevator
Once two blondes and a brunette got stuck in the elevator.
One blonde starts to shout:
– Help!!!
The other one:
– Help!!!
A brunette brings in an advice:
– Girls, shout together, it will be louder.
The blondes shout:
– Together!!! Together!!!…

Leaves
A blonde was raking the leaves and fell off the tree.

Waiting
Question: Do you know what a blonde is waiting for at the socket?
Answer: for an e-mail.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

“So what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather $h– in her pants.”

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” – he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Evening Chuckle/Bad Day at the Office

'Yessir, that's a jellyfish. No bones about it.'

‘Yessir, that’s a jellyfish. No bones about it.’

If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment that sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now, this all sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s fantastic…it’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This, of course, only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bottom started to feel a burning sensation. I pulled the hose out from my back, thinking that maybe the water was too hot, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I had scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish, and all of its poisonous, stinging tentacles, into the crack of my bottom.

I immediately informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my bottom was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bottom.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.jelloy

Joke of the Day

Two blondes were walking through the woods when they saw some tracks.  The first said,”These look like deer tracks,”and the other one said , ” No,they look like moose tracks”. They argued until the train hit them.

A blond boarded a plane to Chicago. She was seated in the general passenger section. Once the airplane was in the air, she got up and went into first class and took a seat. The stewardess told her that unless she produced a first class ticket she had to return to the other section. The blonde refused and said I am going to Chicago and I am staying here. Other stewardesses tried everything to get her to move, but she refused and kept saying she was going to Chicago and she was staying where she was. Finally, the stewardess told the Captain about the situation. The co-pilot offered to go in and handle it, but he captain said no, he was married to a blonde and knew what to do. The Captain went into first class and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She looked up at him shocked and quickly went back to the passenger section. Everyone was amazed and asked the Captain what he had said. He said, “I just told her that First class did not go to Chicago

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink,and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge,and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough,he jumped,so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
“I can’t take this,you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying,
“No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said
“Listen,I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news,so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied
“Well,so did I,but I didn’t think he would jump again!”

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building,who would hit the ground first? Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s ok Daddy, I’m not hurt.’

Screaming Green Slime

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You’d expect daily pandemonium in a household of seven but wait!  Like those infomercials on TV, we got two for the price of one!  And at no extra charge, Daddy and I both walked and talked in our sleep.  Most people have experience with people talking in their sleep, but sleep-walking less common.  The sleep-walker doesn’t look like the ones in  Continue reading →

Dear Auntie Linda, October 15, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am in my fourth year of college and just humiliated myself so badly in class I don’t think I can ever go back. We were having a test and I was trying to wait till the end of class to go to bathroom, since we couldn’t leave during the test.  As I stood to turn in my test and leave,  I lost control of my bowels and soiled myself in front of the whole class.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I slid in it and fell making a long streak on the floor, soiling my clothes further, and even the test.  The professor looked at me and said, “Just drop your test in the trash.  Call me to schedule a makeup for you later.”  Some of the class laughed before they got control of themselves, but most tried to act like they didn’t see anything. The smell was horrendous.   I am so humiliated I don’t feel I can go back to class, but I have to have this class to graduate in the spring.  What in the world do I do” Deep Doo Doo

Dear Deep, When you call your professor to reschedule, let them know how you are feeling.  Perhaps some alternative can be worked out to spare you the embarrassment of going back to class.  If not, go back to class.  The first time will be the worst.  It will be awkward, but don’t give up on your plans over this.  Probably after the second return to class, people will have little interest in you.  The less said, the better.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I work for a financial institution and carelessly failed to reveal information at my job that ultimately cost my supervisor her job and cost the company millions.  No one knows the information is in my files but me.  I know if the information comes out, I will lose my job and could face prosecution.  I don’t feel comfortable working here any longer, and fear I may blunder and expose what I have done. I never dreamed I could end up in this position.  My ex-supervisor has no idea I made this error and am to blame for her termination.  It is difficult to face her when we meet in public.  How in the world do I protect myself.  I can’t sleep nights.  Feel like a bum.

Dear Bum,  You need a lawyer, now!  Auntie Linda

5 Funny Moments with Babies

baby and dog

smiling-lucy

funny-baby-pictures-03

Funny-Lips-Baby-Picture

Baby eyes closed.Funny Pictures of Cats and Kittens

Afternoon Funny

THE MONITOR confirmed cardiac arrest as an elderly
man suddenly lost consciousness. After about 20 seconds of
resuscitation, he came to. Explaining to him that his heart had
momentarily stopped, I asked if he remembered anything unusual
during that time.

“I saw a bright light,” he said, “and in front of me
a man dressed in white.”

Zeroing in on this near-death impression, I inquired
if he could describe the figure.

“Sure, doctor,” he replied. “It was you.

A customer in a little country drugstore noticed a sign saying: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” But instead of a well-trained watchdog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register.

“Is that the dog people are supposed to beware of?” he asked the store owner.

“Yessiree, that’s him,” the owner replied.

The customer couldn’t help but laugh. “That sure doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?”

“Because, until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him.”

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: ‘Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future.’

‘Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because’ said Mick ‘all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday’

Paddy said. ‘Silly buggers ! – the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday. !!’

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!