Dear Auntie Linda, I have visited Great-Aunt Virgie every summer since I was a child. She still lives alone in the little mountain valley cabin where she raised her family. The cabin needs a lot of work or it will fall down soon. She is now eighty-six. Summer before last, we noticed she was slipping a little and called us by the wrong names a lot. Our last visit was very worrisome, though she never left her stove on or appeared to get lost. She is getting paranoid, thinking her neighbor of forty years is trying to steal her tobacco lease and did try to cook some sausage that was off. When we went upstairs to go to bed, mice had gotten into the upstairs bedrooms and the beds were covered in rat pellets. A window had fallen out and the rugs had molded. My husband repaired the window, leaky toilet, porch steps, put a new gas line on her stove. Hers was leaking and she was turning it off at the wall every time she got through cooking. We cleaned the house from end to end, outfitting the all the beds in fresh bedding. She wouldn’t let us throw the moldy rugs, so we took them out, beat them, and sprayed with disinfectant. My husband did some much needed plumbing repairs in the kitchen. We worked non-stop for two weeks.
We talked to my cousin. He has since taken her to live with him and his wife. Great-Aunt Virgie wrote us recently, letting us know Cousin Robert will bring her back home whenever we are ready to visit. We never intend to go back there after that last miserable trip. We told her we’d get a room near Cousin Robert and visit, but she is insistent. How do we handle this? We don’t want to go to her house again. It’s sure to be in worse shape if she’s been gone for months. Reluctant Guest
Dear Reluctant, Talk to Cousin Robert. Let him know you won’t make it to her cabin this summer, but would like to get a room and visit her there in his town. Once you’ve made sure he knows the plan, you can write and let her know you can only stay a couple of days and will take a room near them. Don’t let Cousin Robert mess you up. He might want you to do more repairs. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, I moved in with a friend while I was still in high school. My mother is toxic and my father has a serious brain-injury. I moved out because his behavior was inappropriate. He had no sexual-inhibitions and grabs any girl or woman within reach. He said whatever crossed his mind. Even though he was a wonderful father before his accident, that man is gone. Life with him was way too stressful. I had to leave to save my sanity. My wedding is coming up soon. I want a story-book wedding. My mother wants to reconcile. I don’t want her or my father anywhere near me. My mother is threatening to show up with my father, saying it is her right as a mother. I haven’t seen her or my father in six years, though my cousins say nothing has changed. My mother is still horrible, behaving like a total witch when she is crossed and my father is no better than when I fled home. My life has been so much better without any contact. I can’t go back into that hell and don’t want my wedding ruined. Am I horrible to be planning to leave them out. What do I do? Orphan By Choice
Dear Orphan, If you fear your mother will intrude bringing your father, maybe you should consider having a destination wedding with only a few guests you can trust not to break your confidence. No one has to know your plans. People do that all the time. Auntie Linda
May 11 – FRUITA – While most communities observe Colorado Heritage Week with events dedicated to pioneers, the town of Fruita has decided to celebrate with something that only the Western Slope town can crow about. Mike the Headless Chicken Day on Sunday will honor a 1940s rooster who for 4 1/2 years strutted around, fattened up on grain and preened for hens – all without a head.
Mike lost his head in 1945 when a Fruita farmer, anticipating a chicken dinner, lopped off the head of a young Wyandotte rooster. Instead of croaking and getting sent to the cooking pot, Mike the rooster wobbled away from the chopping block and resumed his temporarily interrupted barnyard activities with the rest of the heads-on chickens.
His headless life garnered him spreads in Life and Time magazines and a listing in the Guinness Book of Records. He had his own manager and toured the country in sideshows with a two-headed calf. He was studied by scientists, who determined an intact brain stem was keeping Mike going.
Mike’s fame faded out after he finally died from choking on a corn kernel, but now headless Mike is in for a revival of sorts.
Mike the Headless Chicken Day will feature a 5K Run Like a Headless Chicken race, egg tosses, chicken jokes, a chicken lunch and chicken bingo, in which numbers are chosen by where chicken droppings fall on a numbered grid. There will also be music, microbrew competitions and historic tours of the town.
“To celebrate our history in Fruita, we wanted to have something light-hearted,” said Sally Edington, executive director of the Fruita Chamber of Commerce. “We wanted to celebrate this little guy because he was very determined to live. We like that.”
According to old accounts in the Fruita Times newspaper, Mike’s determination first showed itself Sept. 10, 1945, when farmer L.A. Olsen tried to please his mother-in-law while he was slaughtering dinner. Her favorite fried-chicken piece was the neck, so Olsen carefully placed his ax to leave as much neck as possible on Mike’s body.
Chickens have been known to flutter around for seconds or minutes after being decapitated, but after a few shaky steps, Mike fluffed up his feathers and went about his business in the barnyard with the other, heads on chickens. He went through the motions of pecking for food, preening his feathers and tucking what used to be his head under his wing when he slept. He tried to crow, but only a gurgle came out.
When he was still alive the following morning, Olsen decided he might be more valuable as an oddity than a dinner and started dropping grain and water into his gullet opening with an eyedropper.
When Mike was still alive a week later, Olsen packed him up and took him to Salt Lake City so incredulous University of Utah scientists could study him. From that time on, Olsen and a manager he hired were the ones running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They took Mike and Mike’s head, which Olsen had preserved in alcohol, to Los Angeles, San Diego, Atlantic City and New York City. They set up photo shoots with magazines and newspapers and kibitzed with scientists across the country.
Olsen also dealt with predecessors of animal-rights activists, who blasted him for leaving a chicken alive in such a state. They begged him to finish the hatchet job on the Mike. But Fruita old-timers remember that Mike grew and thrived and didn’t seem much bothered by being minus a head. Gayle Meyer, who interviewed Olsen in the 1980s before he died, said he described Mike as “a robust chicken – a fine specimen of a chicken except for not having a head.” Copyright 1999 The Denver Post.
Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar. It was after eleven o’clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town Cemetery. He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn’t manage to climb out.
“Help!” he cried out. “Help! I’m so cold!”
Before long a second, really drunk guy came stumbling along. Hearing his compatriot’s cries, he remarked. “No wonder you are cold.. You kicked off all your dirt!”
‘That’s just a figure of speech. It doesn’t mean that whenever there’s a rainy day you can go and spend it all!’
One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Thomas, came across from the other side of the building to ours. Just to start a conversation, another colleague, Peggy, asked, “Is it raining heavily outside?” Without any expression, Thomas said, “Sorry, I did not carry a weighing machine.”
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he`s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he`s ever had. After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I`m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.” “I`m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I`ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?” Brother Charles replied, “Well, I`m the fish friar.” Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be….” “Yes, I`m afraid I`m the chip monk…”
‘He’s having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.’ ‘Ships plumber reporting for duty.’ ‘If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.’
CAPTAIN SMITHERS In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.
I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”
Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”
No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”
One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”
Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”
One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
The Bluebonnet is the official song of the state flower.
It is illegal to sell one’s eye
A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
City Laws in Texas
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal.
Appearing in public places wearing a “lewd dress” is prohibited.
Rainy night
Nutsrok 