Month: November 2015

Afternoon funny

ad4I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

 

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there’s nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
Why is Facebook like Jail? “You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don’t really know!”
Status I didn’t fall down, I attacked the floor.

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

 

Breakfast With Barbie

BreakfastMother’s house was bedlam the morning after Daddy died.  Someone made a quick trip to the store for breakfast fixings for Cox’s Army while the rest of us pulled the house back together.  The term “quick trip” was relative, since the nearest grocery store was twenty-two miles away. It was a mess since we’d had to find beds for fourteen the night before, Continue reading →

Ruth Elaine and the Exploding Baby (Part II of II 1930s memoir)

Repost of earlier post few readers saw:

Out of respect for the family, Mr. Kinnebrew dismissed school at noon. Ruth Elaine, normally socially invisible, wandered from the office with her lunch bucket, mystified to find herself Queen of the Playground. The big girls jostled for position around her, shoving lowly first graders to the side, demanding details of the catastrophe. “Did it set him on Continue reading →

Ruth Elaine and the Exploding Baby (Part I of II 1930s Memoir)

I was praying for salvation as the class suffered along with Luther Simpson through a page of Jane and Fluff the Kitten.  The second-graders pretended to work on their sums across the aisle. in our shared classroom in 1935 in East Texas. Little Ruth Elaine Lawson, a girl I’d had always found dull, dropped her head to her desk and snuffled Continue reading →

Joke of the Day

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One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said “IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END”. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them weren’t as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulder’s path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.
This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.

 

“Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see you there.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “It was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “Since I’m blind, I’ve never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we’ll both know?”So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, “Well, you’re soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose… you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!” [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?”
The snake said he didn’t know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, “So, what kind of animal am I?”
The bunny said, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls – you must be a lawyer.”

 

Impaired Vision
An old snake went to his doctor and told him, “Doc, I think I need something for my eyes. I don’t seem to see very well nowadays.”
The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and told him to return in a couple of weeks for a check up.
When he returned two weeks later, the doctor asked him how his vision was since he had the new glasses.
“Great,” replied the snake. “Only problem is, now I’m very depressed.”
“Why are you depressed?” asked the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help?”
“Oh, the glasses are great, doc,” replied the snake. “The problem is, when I got home with them, I realized I’ve been sleeping with a garden hose for the past couple of years.

 

 

Ask Auntie Linda

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,  I have two children thirteen and eleven.  My ex and I have been divorced four years and have shared custody of the children with no problems ever since.   I recently remarried and am pregnant.  My new husband Ron was just offered a great job and wants to move across the country, meaning I would only be able to see my children summers, holidays and an occasional long weekend.  I don’t want to leave the older children, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime for Ron. I worry Ron will blame me if he misses out on this opportunity.  Would it be wrong to ask Ron to pass up this chance?  Torn Mama

Dear Mama, There is no one and only opportunity for anyone.  It won’t ruin a person’s life to pass up an opportunity since they are most often made, not found.  You and Ron can make choices.  The children can’t.  I would never encourage a parent to choose to accept a lesser role in their children’s lives to advance a career.  Yours and Ron’s first responsibility is to the children, all of them.  Ron knew you had children when you married.  You have the rest of your lives to focus on other things.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, I am fifty-two, divorced, and have a good job, but my kids are ruining my life.  My thirty-year-old son works, but won’t move out of the house, though I have repeatedly told him he and the three big dogs who have ruined my furniture have to go.  My younger son is twenty-four and has moved his girlfriend and their two children in.  He works, but doesn’t help with the bills, since they need the money for pot. His girlfriend doesn’t take care of the kids are clean up behind them.  My daughter moved away with her boyfriend and left her nine-year-old daughter, Vessie with me.  I don’t want to throw Vessie out, but the rest need to go.  How can I get grown kids out of the house when they just refuse to go?  Flop House Mama

Dear Floppie Mama,  It’s good those kids aren’t paying rent.  Since they aren’t tenants, they have no legal status.  If you are serious about wanting them out, give them a date and tell them you will call the police if they don’t move.

Throwback Thursday

Grandma young adult0007Mary Ann GraybealMy Great-great Grandmother, Mary Graybeal Jones and my great-great grandfather John Jones.  He was her third husband and a captain in the Confederate Army

 

This is my grandmother, Mary Elizabeth Perkins Holdaway as a young woman at her home in Volney, Virginia.  Her father was a prosperous store owner.

Mary Elizabeth Perkins and Roscoe Gordon Holdaway Wedding Pictu

My grandparents Mary Elizabeth Perkins and Roscoe Gordon Holdaway at their wedding in 1907

family6

My grandparents in their mid-sixties.(Above)

parents wedding pic

My parents Bill Swain and Kathleen Marie Swain at their wedding June 29, 1945

First Grade School Picture

Linda Swain Bethea First Grade School Picture 1956

sun hat

Auntie Linda

linda-photo-adjusted

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda Swain Bethea 2015

ad 2ad3ad4ad5ad6ad7ad8A hunter stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: “Am I glad to see you, I’ve been lost for three days.” Hunter 2: “Don’t get too excited, friend, I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.” The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A Texas mountain lion slipped across the line into Oklahoma to visit his cousin and couldn’t help noticing how sleek and well-fed his cousin looked.

“Hey Buddy, what’s your secret to eating so well?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy, cousin.  All you gotta do is sneak up behind a cowboy and scare the crap out of him.  Then you eat’im,”  he answered.

“All right!  I’ll give it a shot!”  He took off across the plains and they didn’t meet up again for about six months.

“Well, I thought you be looking a lot better by now, but it looks like you’re ’bout to starve to death.  Didn’t that advice I gave you help at all?”  said the Oklahoma cat.

“Naw, it didn’t,” said the Texas cat.  “I sneaked up and scared the crap out off ’em all right, but once you scare the crap out of a Texas cowboy, all you got left is boots and a belt buckle.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Afternoon Funny

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The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle
pony?”

“Shore,”said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want,
English or western?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the lady.

“The western saddle has a horn on it,” said the cowboy.

“If the traffic is so thick here in
the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I
don’t believe I want to ride.”

Three cowboys of the world are sitting
around camp talking about how tough they were.  The tales
kept getting bigger and bigger.
The cowboy from Australia says, “I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and
made it cry like a baby.”

The cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, “I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands.”

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept
stirring the campfire with his leg.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher
became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m
going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, What’s
your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.

Q: Why
can’t the bankrupt cowboy
complain?
A: He has got no beef.

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasyhe slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would yaw’l tighten that noos
a little bit? I can’t swim!”

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were
resting their horses out on the range.

“What’d Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?” asked Swint.

“Pair of cufflinks,” said Fess. “But I ain’t got no use for them. I can’t even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced.”

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.