Top 10 Uses for Fruitcake.

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TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer’s garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words pin cushion.

How to Start Your Day With a Great Belly Laugh

 

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? A: Twerky.

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A wrapper!

Q: Elves use what kind of money? A: Jingle bills!

Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast? A: “Rain, dear.”

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs.

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping? A: Santa Jaws.

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe.

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? A: RUDEolph.

Q: What is the best work union in the world? A: The rein deer union. A: Full pay, food, housing and only need to work one night a year.

Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? A: This will sleigh you.

Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party? A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized.

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.

Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?

The Most Appreciated Cards of the Season

 

Fleas go home for Christmas, Willie Tharpe

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Daddy wasn’t just a magnet for strange characters. He beat the bushes to flush them out. If that hadn’t worked, I believe he’d have up tacked up posters. Mother had no way of anticipating who he might drag in for supper, overnight, or until further notice. I never did understand why she didn’t murder Daddy. He must have slept sometime! Willie Tharpe was a holdover from Daddy’s childhood. Daddy came in late from work one evening a few days before Christmas about eight-thirty, after one of his rambles, as he so often did. Though he worked shift work, Mother could never anticipate his arrival. As the “Man of the House” his time was his own. Making the living was his only responsibility. It was up to Mother to handle the rest. That evening, Willie Tharpe creaked up behind him in an ancient truck with a shack on the back; not a camper, a shack. About fourteen dogs piled out of the truck windows and shack as he coasted to a stop, in a place of honor, right in front of our house. Eventually, Willie emerged, swatting dogs with his hat and cursing inarticutely, in the style favored by the toothless. Mother was appalled, knowing anyone Daddy dragged in this late, especially anyone from such an interesting position on the social scale, was likely to be a houseguest. This was especially concerning a day or two before Christmas, when we’d be having company. In an expansive mood, Daddy ushered in Willie Tharpe and as many of the dogs as could squeeze in before the door slammed on them. The dogs, unused to houses, ran around jumping on us, knocking over end tables, and peeing on the Christmas tree, till Daddy had us shoo them out. Daddy was clearly thrilled to be able to show off his home and family to Willie, an old and valued family friend. The house had looked pretty good till Willie’s dogs ransacked it, but it was a wreck now. Mother had “waited supper” for Daddy, since Daddy insisted we all eat as a family. We’d been starving for hours. We scurried to the table as Mother served up the reheated beans, potatoes, and gravy, just serving the fried chicken and biscuits cold. Though Willie’s toothless mumbling was impossible to understand, Daddy interpreted for us as Willie loaded his plate time after time, after first reaching for the liver and gizzard with his hand. The liver and gizzard were such favorites that we took turns at getting them, a matter of such import that Mother managed it herself. He ate with his knife, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and spewed food as he mumbled. We stared in fascination. Mother never even noticed his terrible manners. After supper, he poured his coffee in his saucer, blew on it noisily, and drank from the saucer, smacking loudly after each slurp. It was repulsive. He burped without covering his mouth. When all the chicken was gone, he reached for the platter and scraped all the “scrambles” onto his plate. The “scrambles” were the crunchy bits left on the platter at the end of the meal, the prize Mother divided among us children. My mouth flew open to protest, only to catch Mother’s dirty look to “mind my manners.” A meal with Willie did more to reinforce the importance of manners than a hundred hours of instruction. Mother should have thanked him. When it came time for bed, Daddy explained Willie would be sleeping in Billy’s room. Billy could bunk in with Phyllis and me. Mother looked fierce, but didn’t say a word. She pursed her lips and left the room. In a minute she was back with Billy’s night clothes. “Where are the dogs going to sleep?” She nearly spat at Daddy. Daddy had always prided himself on never allowing dogs in the house until the mishap earlier that evening. “Oh, the dogs will sleep in Willie’s truck.” He was jovial, obviously not unaware of Mother’s malevolent mood and his longstanding rule on no dogs in the house. Willie looked surprised and pained. It was late December 22 and really cold. Willie muttered the first thing I’d understood that night. “I allus’ sleeps with them dawrgs. Thas’ the onliest thing that keeps an old man like me from freezing. We all pile in together. We sleeps good thataway.” Daddy was clearly torn between his principles and his old friend. “Willie, I ain’t never had dogs in the house and I can’t start now. The dogs can’t sleep in the house.” He was saved. Willie didn’t argue, just mumbled and went off to the back bedroom. Mother was still furious. While Daddy was at work the next day, Willie hung around by the kitchen heater, smoking his smelly hand rolled cigarettes. He was in Mother’s way all day, as she sputtered around baking and making her Christmas preparations. He smelled like his dogs, becoming more rancid smelling by the hour. The odor became more nauseating combined with the scent of cinnamon, candied fruit, orange slices, and vanilla. Mother periodically opened the doors and windows to air the kitchen. Her mood was black by the time Daddy came rolling in at three thirty. Uncharacteristically, he’d come straight home from work, probably concerned for Willie’s safety. He took Willie off gallivanting. For once, we didn’t have to wait supper. Mother’s mood improved with Willie out of the way. We made popcorn and sang Christmas Carols. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve! Santa would be coming! Mother sent us on to bed. The next thing I knew, Daddy was yelling, “Get some water! Get the kids out of the bedroom!” As we flew out of our bedroom, a wet, naked old man made his rickety way into the kitchen, followed by a swirling pack of dogs. Meanwhile, Daddy dragged smoking quilts out to the back yard. As the story unfolded, it seems Willie had been smoking his hand rolled cigarettes in the comfort of the nest of hounds he’d slipped in after the house was abed. He’d drifted off to sleep. Alerted of the burning covers by one of the dogs, he’d called out for help, getting Daddy in on the action. Not surprisingly, Willie moved on the next day. Wisely, Daddy didn’t protest. We enjoyed a lovely Christmas. It was a few days before Willie’s Christmas gift to us became apparent. The house was infested with fleas. Deprived of their host, they attacked us with abandon. Happy New Year!

to be continued

Ask Auntie Linda for Straight Talk From a Straight Shooter.

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, My parents have travelled  cross-country to spend Christmas Week with us the past five years since I am an only child and our children the only grandchildren.  My wife’s parents live only four hours away.  She is the youngest of four children.  She and her sisters have eleven children between them.    When we married, my parents asked that we always share Christmas with them since they’d be alone otherwise.  I know my wife would like to spend Christmas with her family this year, but I hate to think of my parents being alone.  My parents are much older and may not have many more Christmases.  Is it wrong of me to Insist on having Christmas week with my family?  Tail in a crack

Dear Tail, Just so you know, no one knows how many holidays are in their future.  Your parents have already manipulated you into spending Chrismas Week with you the past five years.  It is unreasonable that you not share Christmas with your wife’s family from time to time.  I’d say she’s been more than generous.  In a marriage, your first loyalty should be to your wife. Invite your parents for an alternate time, either before or after the holiday.  People celebrate on other days all the time.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda. We can own to visit my parents at Christmas this year.  We havea toddler and an infant.  I want to get a hotel room instead of staying at their house.  They have a cat and dog who climb everywhere and I don’t want them hopping all over the kids bedding.  My father also snores horribly and disturbs our rest.  My parents are very upset that we won’t be spending the night.  We will go over to spend our day.  Is it awful to refuse to stay with them?  Our visit last year seemed endless and none of us got any sleep.  In the doghouse.

Dear Doghouse, No, it’s your visit and your decision.   Everyone needs their sleep and some private time.  Do what’s best for you and your family, but I’d pay for the room myself!  Auntie Linda

The Most Dependable Fight of the Year

imageDaddy took his hunting very seriously. This was a man’s sport, an entitlement. Real men hunted and fished. A man’s outdoor gear was a reflection of his manhood. Daddy would have sooner worn lace panties than not follow the unwritten rules. His hunting gear was a necessity, not an extravagance like a dependable car, bills paid on time, and clothes for the family. Daddy always had money held out of his paycheck weekly for the Christmas Club, but Mother never could remember that deer season came around the same time as the Christmas Club checks were issued. By early December, both had long unwritten lists in their heads. A day or so before the check was to be issued, Daddy would be in an unaccustomed jovial mood, sitting at the table with one of his buddies drinking coffee, and casually mention his plan to purchase a Manchester #1108 Rifle with a scope. Nearby at the stove, steam rose from Mother’s ears. The Manchester #1108 Rifle cost about the same as her Christmas list.

The Annual Christmas Fight was on. Daddy’s manhood was at stake. He couldn’t emasculate himself by backing down on his purchase after bragging in front of his hunting buddies. Mother completely misunderstood a man’s needs and considered him selfish, hurting his feelings. “When I was a kid was I only got an orange for Christmas, and was proud of that. Besides, you should be able to get l

enough. for about $12.00. You just needed to go through the store, pick out what you wanted, take it up to the register, and haggle with the manager. That’s the only sensible way to shop. That’s what I’d do if I had to handle the shopping! Do I have to manage the house and make the living? And besides, where are the clothes and toys I bought the kids and those three nice dresses I just bought you? You just didn’t take of stuff right or you’d still have them! Blah, blah, blah.  You must think I am Santa Claus!”

Mother snidely pointed out, “well, you’re supposed to be.  It was over ten years ago you bought that stuff you’re talking about.  Besides, how would you know how much things cost now? You haven’t put a toe in a store, paid a bill, been to a bank, or handled any business since we got married. Don’t you think anybody besides YOU might want a nice Christmas!” Suggesting he might be selfish was the final insult! It was on!

Eventually, they would both develop battle fatigue and go about their business. Daddy would go off in a huff and buy his rifle, but tone his pride down a bit, and make do with a cheaper model. Deeply offended at Mother’s demands, he would hand over $30 or $35 dollars left from the Christmas Check. Once she recovered from her rage at his everlasting selfishness, she would shuffle bills, frantically put us all to gluing in trading stamps, put us kids to selling coke bottles, feed us more meals of beans, potatoes, biscuits and gravy, and canned vegetables, less with meat and fruit. She would make some homemade gifts and check Goodwill out. Grandma always sent a huge box of Christmas gifts, her sister Annie would send money, and Mother would manage to pull together a wonderful Christmas.

On Christmas morning we would wake up to find gifts piled all around the Christmas tree. Mother would be relieved to have manufactured a miracle once again. Once it was all laid out on Christmas morning, Daddy enjoyed seeing his children enjoying a bounteous Christmas and was reassured Mother could do well with a little money when she half tried. Maybe next year he could save back enough to get that……….

I think he sincerely believed in Santa Claus.

Gallery

Great Christmas Cartoons

Book Review Tales From the Garden by Sally Cronin

Tales%20From%20the%20Garden%20small-%20CoverI’ve just finished Sally Cronin’s Book Tales From the Garden and it makes me wonder why I ever gave up Fairy Tales just because I got grown..  As you can see by the cover, the photography is wonderful.  Her characters are variously funny, quizzical, magical and heartwarming.  I enjoyed it so much I could hardly put it down, yet didn’t want it to end.  Get it and give it a try!

Tales From The Garden-Behind the scenes-by Sally Cronin

 

Tales From The Garden – Behind the scenes – by Sally Cronin

 

Thank you to Linda for offering me space on your blog today to talk about the behind the scenes action of Tales from the Garden.

 

Linda gives us a healthy dose of humour frequently so I thought that I would talk about the comedian of the tales.

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Eager to impart some nugget of news to the head guardian, Fizzy the rabbit looked up adoringly at the lion. ‘He’s been seen, he’s coming, we have to do something, he is on his way, we have to panic.’

The lion looked down at Fizzy and shook his head slowly from side to side. Of all the creatures under his care this was the one who caused the most problems. Since a young rabbit, he had been a sugar addict; craving what was commonly called the Amber Nectar. If you wanted to find Fizzy you just had to head towards the nearest Amber joint and he would have his whiskers deep in the blooms.

Fizzy was found tucked away on a ledge at the front end of the house and away from the other rabbits in the garden. I felt there was probably a very good reason for that so I am afraid he became the resident laughing stock.. He does however he does redeem himself in the eyes of the head guardian in the story of The Winter Fairy; hopefully he will get help for his love of the Amber Nectar.

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Tales from the Garden is a collection of fairy stories and 80 illustrations, for children of all ages, from five to ninety-five that will change the way you look at your garden forever.

The tales reveal the secrets that are hidden beneath hedges and trees and you will discover what really happens at night as you sleep unaware in your bed. Stone statues and those hidden worlds within the earth are about to share their stories.

The guardians who have kept this sanctuary safe for over fifty years will allow you to peek behind the scenes of this magical place. They will take you on a journey through time and expand your horizons as they transport you to the land of fairies, butterflies and lost souls who have found a home here.

 

The book is available in print and Ebook  at a substantial discount via my own website: http://moyhill.com/tales

Also at Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0180Q6CKM

Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0180Q6CKM

 

About Sally Cronin.

Sally Cronin spent a number of years in each of the following industries – Retail, Advertising and Telecommunications, Radio & Television; and has taken a great deal of inspiration from each.

She has written short stories and poetry since a very young age and contributed to media in the UK and Spain. In 1996 Sally began studying nutrition to inspire her to lose 150 lbs and her first book, Size Matters published in 2001, told the story of that journey back to health. This was followed by another seven books across a number of genres including health, humour and romance. These include Just Food For Health, Size Matters, Just an Odd Job Girl, Sam, A Shaggy Dog Story, Flights of Fancy anthology, Turning Back the Clock and Media Training.

All these can be found on Amazon or smashwords.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sally-Georgina-Cronin/e/B003B7O0T6

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/SallyGCronin

 

For the last two years Sally has written a daily blog covering the subjects close to her heart including writing, health and music: Smorgasbord Invitation – Variety is the Spice of Life. You can link to it from here: smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com.

 

Connect to Sally on social media.

http://moyhill.com/tales/

http://uk.linkedin.com/in/sallycronin1 https://twitter.com/sgc58 https://www.facebook.com/sally.cronin https://www.facebook.com/sallygeorginacronin https://plus.google.com/+SallyCronin/about

 

Thank you very much Linda for inviting me to guest post today.