Month: April 2018

My Dirty Laundry

Bud says I am stubborn.  It’s true.  Once an idea occurs to me, I can’t get rid of it! Since the kids are long gone, I decided to treat myself to some white fluffy towels a couple of years ago. No problem since I would be totally in control.  These towels would never languish on the floor, under the bed, or touch mascara or muddy shoes.  They’d never wash a car or wipe spaghetti sauce off the sofa.  Time passed.  They got dingy.  I didn’t like them anymore.  I started sneaking into Bud’s bathroom to get his luscious green ones, but  I couldn’t get the white ones off my mind.  Surely, I could fix them. They couldn’t be bleached, so I tried non-chlorine bleach.  That didn’t brighten them at all, so I decided to bleach them, anyway.  What did I have to lose?

So I bleached them. They went from dingy gray to a dull hen poo poo muffledy dun.  Those towels were disgusting, sort of like they had been wiping shoes, smearing mascara, washing the car, and wiping up dog vomit with.  I tolerated them for a while, then checked the internet for a solution.  I needed to boil them in a solution of dishwasher detergent, vinegar, borax and detergent.  Sounded like a lot of trouble, but I really wanted them white again. I mixed the concoction right up and put my towels on to boil.  I boiled them for about thirty minutes, frequently punching them down.  I believe this was the high-tech method used up until folks got washing machines.  The water turned an ugly brown.  It must be working!

 

                 

Eventually, I finished them up in the washer.  Meanwhile, I’d made a real mess of the kitchen.  The sink was full of pots, the stove a sloppy mess, and the floor tracked up.  It didn’t look like I’d done a deep cleaning just yesterday.  It only took an hour to get back to where it was.  My back still hurts.

            

In the picture on the right, you can see the result of all my hard work.  Aren’t those colors bizarre?  Some of the towels remained plain dingy gray.  Others took on an ugly, rusty hue.  The big surprise was, some turned a pale pink. I am partial to dingy gray, but that’s just me.  Does anybody out there need some ugly towels?  They’ll be perfect to  wash the car and wipe mud off the dog.

Wait!  I just saw two more things to try.  Laundry bluing is supposed to brighten dingy clothes up.  Sunshine bleaches!  Bud is going to have to put up a clothes line!

 

 

A Little Marital Levity

Grumpa Joe's avatarGrumpa Joe's Place

A

Pharmacist to a customer:
“Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription.

 Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough.”

………

 

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman “Which book has

helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!”

……..

 

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,

“Husband: The Master of the House”?

Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you’ll find it under ‘Fiction and Comics’ on the 1st floor!

………

 

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your

wife darling, honey, luv… What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

……….

 

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were…

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Miss Tillie Tittilates the Heathen

imageMiss Tillie, my Sunday School Teacher held my attention like no other before or since, giving the class candy, bubble gum, and tiny little paper umbrellas if we learned our Bible verses. Mother thought she ought not to bribe us to do our lessons. I thought Mother ought to mind her own business. Miss Tillie had already taught Sunday School for thirty years by the time I had her in 1956. She still wore lacy dresses left over from her daughter’s high school days when she didn’t opt for gabardine suits with oversize shoulder pads from the forties. She showed up once a month with robin’s egg blue hair that faded over the next three weeks to a pale lavender. We always complimented her when it was at its brightest and she’d shyly say, “Can you believe I don’t even have to color it?” I couldn’t. She still wore seamed stockings long after the other ladies wore seamless. I always looked forward to seeing a special one with a mended run she wore every third Sunday. I got to know Miss Tillie before I was old enough to know she was a little wacko, so I admired all her differences.

Miss Tillie was so sweet I wouldn’t have wanted to misbehave. The naughty words in the Bible caused her a big problem. She couldn’t bring herself to say the bad words like lie, sin, Hell, and ass, so she made modest substitutions such as fibbing, doing wrong, the bad place, and donkeys. The lesson of Samson versus the Philistines was a challenge for her. Starting out fine, she described Samson’s great strength and glorious hair, reminding us of his obedience to God. Things were going well until the battle reached its zenith. With her modesty, she couldn’t possibly say, “Samson slew ten-thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass,” so after a great deal of obvious preparation and practice, she concluded the lesson with a flourish, “and so Samson picked up the assbone of a donkey and slew ten-thousand Philistines.” That lesson is still burned in my brain.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – A multi-International cast, two cats, a dog and WI training.

Contrasts

 

 

Dad jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He asked. “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”

The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”

 

Did you hear about the proton who heard there was going to be an electron?  He went down to the polls and volted.

 

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

 

 

 

I Didn’t Do Nothing!

Connie and Marilyn, my younger sisters were great friends with Ralphie, the neighbor boy.  They never fought, playing happily for hours.  Most often, they shared a seat on the school bus, since his stop was right after theirs.  A skinny little guy, Ralphie’s nose dominated his face, causing him to endure taunts on a regular basis.

One afternoon, Connie flew in crying to Mother the instant she got off the bus.  “Ralphie hit me in the stomach!”

Mother was shocked.  They’d always been such good friends.  “Why did he do that?  He never hits.  What did you do to him?”

”Nothing!  I didn’t do nothing to him!”  Marilyn was right behind her, backing her up.

”Are you sure you didn’t  do anything to him?”  she queried.

”No!” Connie insisted.

”Come on then.  I guess we’d better go talk to his mama.  I can’t have him hitting y’all.”  She got her purse and herded Connie and Marilyn into the car, determined to put a stop to Ralphie’s bad behavior before it got out of hand.  The girls were delighted, knowing Ralphie anticipating Ralphie’s big trouble.

Miss Betty invited Mother in, though she did seem a little cool.  Ralphie and the girls settled to play, as they always did.

Miss Betty brought Mother a cup of coffee and took a seat at the kitchen table with Mother.  “ I need to talk to you, Betty.  Connie said Ralphie hit her in the stomach for no reason.”

”I know.” Betty answered. “Did Connie tell you she called him Banana Nose?  His daddy told him to do that when kids call him that. He has to stick up for himself.”

Mother was mortified.  “Connie, did you call Ralphie Banana Nose?  You know better than that!  No wonder he hit you!  You tell hm you’re sorry, right now.”

Connie was in it, deep. “I’m sorry, Ralphie.”

Hastily, Mother made her goodbyes, heading home to eat crow.

Connie learned not to call names that day.  Mother learned not to believe a kid who “didn’t do nothing.”

 

 

 

Tea with Ralphie and Barbie

Connie’s first grade class picture.  Connie sits directly in front of the teacher.  Mother made her dress.

Ralphie’s mom had coffee with Mother several mornings a week.  A quirky little guy, he played happily with Connie and Marilyn in their bedroom.  Mother never let them shut the bedroom door.  She still hadn’t gotten over my brother poking holes in Barbie’s nipples with a straight pin.  One morning, Mother heard the door shut.  She left her coffee and opened the door.  “Leave the door open.  It’ll get too hot in here.”  Ralphie was digging happily in the toy box, obviously in pursuit of some prize.  In just a minute, Mother heard the door shut again.  Leaving her coffee, she opened the bedroom  again.  Barbie dolls, clothes, and accessories were spread all around.  Hurriedly, Ralphie hid a half-dressed Barbie behind his back.  “Leave the door open.  It’s hot in here.”

”I want the door shut,” said Ralphie.  “I’m cold.”

Realizing Ralphie hadn’t wanted to be seen playing Barbie, Mother answered.  “Tell you what, kids.  Bring your Barbies and tea set in the living room and I’ll make you some KoolAid.  We’ll all have a tea party.”  The kids gathered up their toys and set up in the living room at their mama’s feet.  Ever after, when Ralphie came to play Barbie, they all had a tea party in the living room with the ladies.

Monday Funnies…