Month: September 2022

Louie, Louie!

Louie was an amazing stature of a man in stature though not in intellect. Sadly, he was developmentally about three-years-old and spoke in broken phrases at a very low level of understanding. Louie and his ancient mother lived in a battered old house not too far from us. I only saw his mother a few times as she hung on to the door frame shouting out terse commands at him. “Hush up that dog!” “Go git the mail and don’t drop none of it!” “Fetch me six taters out of the tater house.” She resembled nothing so much as a witch. The only visitors the old lady had were her son and his family who lived across the road. The two small boys played happily up and down the road, totally unconcerned with traffic. Neighbors voiced concerns the kids would be run over but the last I heard, thy’d outlived the neighbors who’d had to dodge then.

In that day, most kids were free-range, kicked outdoors to play first thing in the morning. Mothers locked the screen doors behind them, only letting kids in for bathroom privileges or lunch. They knew to refresh themselves at the garden hose to the mantra of “….and I’ll skin your hide if you leave that water running.” Sadly, my mother was conscientious and made us play in our own yard. It was a sad thing to look over our picket fence to see the other kids enjoying a life of total freedom. Most were only called in for supper.

When he was free from his mother’s demands, Louie roamed the neighborhood dressed in overalls and white Tee-shirt just poking around the neighborhood, going to the store with a note from his mother, or walking down the railroad track to town. It’s unlikely Louie had a friend.

Disconcertingly, Louie was known to open unlatched doors in the neighborhood. Should a neighbor neglect to latch her screen door, He was well-known to open the door, so she walk in and pick up a leftover biscuit or pancake left on the stove for kid’s snack. It must have been terrifying to turn and find a behemoth of a man standing silently behind you in your kitchen.

Louie’ mother was totally unconcerned. “He ain’t hurting nothing.“

The city marshall shared her opinion. “He ain’t never hurt nobody. Just lock your door.” Neighbors warned newcomers. The general opinion was,”If you don’t want Louie walkin’ up on you, lock your door.”

Nurse’s Nightmare

Even though I’m long retired I am long retired, I still torment myself with the occasional work anxiety dream. Last night, I treated myself to another.

I found myself back in my unit, desperate over the late start. Once there, instead of the highly trained, caring, and professional staff I expected, I was met by a madhouse of crazed clowns led by Nurse Ratched and the psychotic nurse Annie Wilkes, from the movie, Misery. Patients were lying on the floor, falling out of bed, and dumped into trash cans, arms and legs askew. The macabre nurses blocked me at every turn as I struggled to rescue patients. The unit was littered with feces, blood, and filthy dressings strewn on the floor, a nurse’s worst nightmare.

If that weren’t enough, just as the madness peaked, the CEO of nurses marched in, leading a group from Joint commission of American Hospitals, an unannounced visit to rate our services. I’ve never met any hospital staff who don’t dread this. When I saw their stern faces, I realized I’d forgotten to renew my nursing license. The CEO gestured to an officer. “Book’er Danno”

I was so glad to wake up.

Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Looking for Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He staggered into the water and stood next to the Preacher.
The minister noticed the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not, Preacher?”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man,have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Oh Captain

A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates and sinks their ship.

One of the sailors asked the captain “Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?” The He responded “because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is wrong.” The crew was astounded at his bravery.

Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to their captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

Here boy!

Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away. 

His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”

“Here boy!”

Here, Boy!!

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! Please help.”

The doctor pats the couch., “Okay, Buddy, hop up here.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Oh no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

If You Can

I love canning. It is so satisfying to have a well-stocked pantry. Canned food is the original fast food, but so much better than takeout. I can have a meal on the table in twenty minutes by opening a jar of canned beans or canned beef stew and putting a pan of cornbread in the oven. It’s especially good if you add a quick salad or cottage cheese.

I can everything fresh I can get in season, tomatoes, corn, berries, and fresh fruit. My pantry shelves groan under pickles,jams, and jellies. When the summer growing season is over, I cook and can dry beans and soups. Home canned dry beans are delicious and much cheaper than bought canned beans from the store.

Canning soups is such a savings and convenience. I can homemade chili, home made beef stew, and bean soups. As I write this post, I am canning split pea soup. It will be delicious with hot cornbread on a cold day.

Two canners chugging along

When canning soup it is very important to remember you must not use flour, pasta, or dairy products in your soups. There is no way to effectively ensure you have killed botulism in these products so NO canning noodle, dumplings, or cream soups. I I have any doubts about a product, I consult the internet.

Cannibals Capture Three Men

Cannibals capture three men and tell them they will be skinned and eaten their skin used to make canoes. Each is given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and he is poisoned.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”