Month: September 2022

Queen Envy

My mother, Kathleen, has suffered from Royalty Envy her entire life. First of all, Princess Elizabeth was born two years ahead of Kathleen, giving her an unfair advantage. Seeing Princess Elizabeth featured in magazines and newsreels in gorgeous dresses surrounded by her retinue fascinated and frustrated her. Clearly the young royal had done no more than she to deserve this sumptuous life. To add insult to injury, Princess Elizabeth had beautifully curled hair. Kathleen suspected it was a much coveted permanent wave.

One or two fortunate girls of Kathleen’s acquaintance prissed about haughtily showing off their permanent waves. Kathleen knew every penny in her household had a purpose, so it never occurred to her to mention her yearning for a permanent wave. Periodically, her older sister curled her hair with rag curlers, but those curls paled beside the beauty of a permanent wave. Even worse, Princess Elizabeth’s hair might have been naturally curly. What cruel accident of birth would bestow curly hair upon a royal child and condemn Kathleen, a tow-headed, child of American The Great Depression, to struggle through at least ninety-four years of lanky, string-straight locks.

Kathleen avidly poured over any mention of Princess Elizabeth in newsreels, news papers, and magazines, alternately admiring and envying the girl unaware of her existence. Every time she visited to outhouse, she read and reread a magazine article about the princesses, fully aware Princess Elizabeth wasn’t reading about her in her dainty water closet.

Kathleen excelled at the tiny school in Cuthand,Texas, sometimes helping her janitor father clean after school, aware that Princess Elizabeth was educated by governesses, later attending the finest private schools. While the princess attended soirees, Kathleen picked beans, fed chickens, and gathered eggs. There was definitely nothing privileged about her rural life.

As time passed, Kathleen had less time to devote to her rival who was now queen, though she noted with satisfaction her own children were more handsome and probably smarter. She was a bit critical of the queen’s style; too many pastels and over-large hats., though it seems she would have been pleased that something that obscured the queen’s curly hair.

Some things never change. I mentioned the other day the queen might be schmoozing with the heavenly hosts right now since she’d beaten Mother to Heaven. Mother remarked snidely, “You don’t know that for sure, do you?”

I knew she’d say that!

One Wish

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

So Much to Live For

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off”

Ewwwww!

Koi fish travel in schools of four for safety. When attacked by predators, koi A, B, and C flee together in one direction. Sadly, the last is the D-koi.

There were four Los Angelos Rams riding in a car. Who’s driving?

The police

Changing My Religion

Joe and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Joe doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Joe asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Joe says. “So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

Together

After thirty-five years together, Bill died. Well into her nineties, Kathleen was long past grieving him. One night, drifting between twilight thoughts and deep sleep, she found herself picking her way carefully along the shady banks of a small turbulent stream. Making her way gingerly through gnarled roots along its mossy banks, she was keenly aware a slip could toss her headlong into the stream.

As she moved from the shade, across the way, a meadow of brilliant green grass opened up. In a patch of sunshine, atop a rail fence, sat Bill, as vibrantly young as when they’d met.

Catching her eye, he waved her on, patting the rail beside him. Despite her unsteady gait, she hurried. More than anything, she wanted to sit at his side, but how could she manage it? Gingerly, she stepped in, easily crossing the stream to make her way toward him.

She awoke with a start, mindful she’d shared a moment with Bill, foreshadowing their reunion. Before that moment, she’d always dreaded the moment of her passing, fearing the darkness of death. Now, she looked forward to joining him.

Dodged a Bullet

Jasper wakes up with a killer hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Darling, breakfast is on the table. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He staggers to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Mike.”he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home pickled and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

Precious Memories

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench crying his eyes out. I stopped to ask him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning ,then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.’

I continued, ‘Well, then why in the world are you crying?’

He went on, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.’

“So why are you crying?’ I asked again.

He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until I go to sleep.”

I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’

He wailed, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

In 1946, a dark-haired construction worker just home from World War II flirted with a pretty waitress in small-town Texas. Weeks later, they eloped.