Month: June 2024

Mary Stocks Obituary

STOCKS, Mary Patricia (nee Morris) —

Pat Stocks, 94, passed away peacefully at her home in bed July 1, 2015. It is believed it was caused from carrying her oxygen tank up the long flight of stairs to her bedroom that made her heart give out. She left behind a hell of a lot of stuff to her daughter and sons who have no idea what to do with it. So if you’re looking for 2 extremely large TV’s from the 90s, a large ceramic stork (we think) umbrella/cane stand, a toaster oven (slightly used) or even a 2001 Oldsmobile with a spoiler (she loved putting the pedal to the metal), with only 71,000 kilometers and 1,000 tools that we aren’t sure what they’re used for. You should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch. Tomorrow would be fine. This is not an ad for a pawn shop, but an obituary for a great Woman, Mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother born on May 12, 1921 in Toronto, the daughter of the late Pop (Alexander C.) and Granny (Annie Nigh) Morris. She leaves behind a very dysfunctional family that she was very proud of. Pat was world-renowned for her lack of patience, not holding back her opinion and a knack for telling it like it is. She always told you the truth even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. It was the school of hard knocks and yes we were told many times how she had to walk for miles in a blizzard to get to school, so suck it up. With that said she was genuine to a fault, a pussy cat at heart (or lion) and yet she sugar coated nothing. Her extensive vocabulary was more than highly proficient at knowing more curse words than most people learned in a lifetime. She liked four letter words as much as she loved her rock garden and trust us she LOVED to weed that garden with us as her helpers, when child labour was legal or so we were told. These words of encouragement, wisdom, and sometimes comfort, kept us in line, taught us the “school of hard knocks” and gave us something to pass down to our children. Everyone always knew where you stood with her. She liked you or she didn’t, it was black or white. As her children we are still trying to figure out which one it was for us (we know she loved us). She was a master cook in the kitchen. She believed in overcooking everything until it chewed like rubber so you would never get sick because all germs would be nuked. Freezing germs also worked, so by Friday our school sandwiches were hard and chewy, but totally germ free. All four of us learned to use a napkin. You would pretend to cough, spit the food into it and thus was born the Stocks diet. If anyone would like a copy of her homemade gravy, we would suggest you don’t. She will be sorely missed and survived by her brother George Morris, children: Shauna (Stocks) Perreault, Paul/Sandy (Debbie) Stocks and Kirk Stocks, son-in-law Ian Milnes and son from another mother, John McCleery, grandchildren: Lesley (Sean), Lindsay (Lucas), Ashley (James), David (Tia), Brett, Erin (Brian), Sean, Alex, Courtney and Taylor and great-grandchildren: Connor, Emily, Ainsley, Tyler and Jack. She was preceded in death by her loving husband Paul (Moo) Stocks and eldest daughter Shelley (Stocks) Milnes and beloved pets Tag, Tag, Tag and Tag. All whom loved her dearly and will never forget her tenacity, wit, charm, grace (when pertinent) and undying love and caring for them. Please give generously to covenanthousetoronto.ca “in memory”. A private family ‘Celebration of Life’ will be held, in lieu of a service, due to her friends not being able to attend, because they decided to beat her to the Pearly Gates. Please note her change of address to her new place of residence, St John’s York Mills Anglican Church, 19 Don Ridge Drive, 12 doors away from Shelley’s place.

Kathleen Carries On Part 10 Or Peel It Off

Long ago in a land faraway, no decent woman, no matter how svelte, would have been caught going without a tortuous girdle. Mother was a decent woman. Just before embarking on a train trip to visit her family in Texas, she updated her wardrobe with the latest in girdles, a latex model interspersed with tiny holes for ventilation. After struggling into it on the morning of her departure, she was gratified to notice it was all its designers had promised. Her backside and belly were flat as a board, just as she’d hoped. Moreover, the girdle fit snugly without lines to show through her sleek skirt. Though she craved a backside and belly flat as an ironing board, she felt a curvy bosom was just the look she needed, an easy fix. Sliding foam rubber falsies into the empty cups of her new bra, she looked good!

Rounding up her six-year-old and three-year old daughters and eight-month-old baby, she slipped into her new patent leather high heels so Bill could take her to the train. It felt wonderful knowing she looked so shapely.

The long train trip was an intimidating prospect for a mother traveling with three little ones. Her diaper bag, travel bag, and purse were stuffed with bottles, snacks, toys, books, drinks, lunch, and changes of clothes for the little ones. The little girls helped with the parcels and bags, but Kathleen was constantly on the alert for their loss. The high humidity and heat made all of them miserable. The baby whined and the three -year-old fidgeted. Kathleen drank and ate as little as possible to keep bathroom trips to a minimum, but naturally, the girls made up for it. Six long hours later, her folks met them at the depot. The grandparents joyously relieved her of the children and her burdens. Because the fierce heat had dehydrated her, she’d only had to relieve herself once early in the trip, a mercy. She was dying for a drink of water and the bathroom once she got to comfort of her parent’s house. The bathroom was her first stop. The girdle had gotten really snug with the cooperation of her body temperature and the blazing South Texas heat. Dancing with the demands of her bladder, it took a bit to work her fingers under the damp, rubbery girdle. Impatiently, she gave it a tug, snatching it down in desperation. Aghhhhh! It felt as though she was being skinned. As she had perspired and moved about, her much more compliant skin worked itself into the ventilation holes of the industrial strength girdle. Upon removal, rubber monster left her covered in tiny red blisters from her waist to her thighs. As if that weren’t enough, the rubber falsies had blistered her bosoms.

The foundation garments hit the trash and on her trip home, she sported a flat chest and bouncy bottom. Live and learn.

Maxine

Praise the Lord and Save Your Kitties From the Heathen

Our little church held periodic revivals. For the benefit of those not blessed with a Southern Baptist upbringing, a revival is a series of nightly evangelical preaching services culminating with a baptismal service on Sunday for converts. There was a good bit of Hell-fire promised, so a quite a few errant souls joined up. Our small church had no baptistry, so baptism was conducted in a creek, exciting business for kids.
Dressed in old clothes, a stark contrast to usual his usual church garb, a stalwart deacon led the candidates to the preacher waiting in waist-deep water. After a few words and a prayer, the preacher dipped the candidates for baptism backwards in the murky water, then raised them up a moment later, gasping, sputtering, and cleansed of sin. It must have been quite a workout for the preacher and an unnerving experience for the baptized. Seeing the redeemed folk led from the water with their clingy garments served as a pretty good anatomy lesson for us kids, as well. Afterwards, the crowd quickly dispersed, out of concern for the soaked.
I chafed, all through the prayers and scripture, awaiting the creek side baptism, anticipating an outing with a picnic and swimming. Verily, there was no swimming for us, only baptism for the redeemed. Though Mother had warned me not to expect such a party, I’d thought perhaps I could engineer the opportunity to fall in the creek, resulting in a swim, after all. Lo, it didn’t happen with the death grip Mother had on me and Billy. My major impression of the day was disappointment.
My brother Billy and Cousin Evil Larry took the opportunity to put all they’d learned in practice the next morning. Our cat had hidden away a litter of kittens, but apparently not well enough. Billy and Evil Larry rounded up those sinful kitties and went to work on redeeming their mewing, little souls. After dunking them in the repeatedly in the water trough, a couple of them straight to Heaven, assuming the baptism worked. Mother caught the boys and saved the rest. I guess she just wasn’t into religion.

Surgery

Since I am way past being a kid, I have a boring list of surgeries but there is a surgery that immediately made me feel better. I had varicose vein repair surgery three times. After years of being a nurse, I had ugly, bulging varicose veins. The pain was a much bigger concern than cosmetic concerns. I had constant burning pain. After many years of varicosities, I developed restless leg syndrome. Varicose vein surgery relieved the acute vein pain immediately, but not the restless legs. I treat that very successfully with ropinerole. Thank goodness, that helped. I suggest people wear compression stockings for their leg health and seek early intervention. Take care of your legs.

Cousin Mavis and the Heartbroken Philanderer

imageI just love this true family story, so I am sharing it again. I hope not too many of you have seen it.

Many years ago, I had a Cousin Mavis, who’d inherited a really nice farm, together with her brother Beau, in an idyllic mountain valley.  She married Lloyd who greatly admired her farm.  They had a daughter, Sally.  Mavis quickly took issue with her husband’s carousing and tossed him out.  Quite willing and able to take care of herself, she continued to live happily on her farm with her brother Beau and Sally.  Beau did the majority of the farm work while Mavis taught school and kept the house running,   The three of them had a good life together, bumping along quite satisfactorily.  Beau never married though he was happy to keep company with a widow lady, saying, “No house was big enough for two women.”  In truth, I’m sure he felt he already had a wonderful homemaker who shared his expenses, a doting niece, and a prosperous farm he had no wish to divide.

Her husband, Lloyd, was never quite reconciled to the divorce, realizing what a mistake he’d made in losing Mavis.  Though he never lost his penchant for women and drink, he bought land just across the road, building a house there so he’d have a chance to worm his way by into Mavis’ affections and be in his his daughter’s life .  Little Sally saw her father daily, just like he’d planned, but Lloyd made a point to keep an eye on what went on at Mavis’s place all the time.  Unfortunately, this gave Mavis a bird’s eye view of his social activities, not a wise move for a man seeking forgiveness from a wronged wife.  Despite his many raucous parties and interesting friendships, he was forever hopeful, lo these many years later, that today Mavis would welcome him back into her loving arms.  Whenever an unfamiliar vehicle drove up, Lloyd was sure to amble over to check the guest out.   The first time we visited her, Mavis said, “Oh Lordy, here comes Lloyd to see if y’all are my boyfriend.”

Mavis, Beau, and Lloyd lived this way for more than fifty years, till the lovely Sally finally inherited both places, uniting them, as Lloyd had always hoped.

10 Funniest Jokes Ever Told

  1. (This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
  2. I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  3. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
  4. Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.  “It’s not unusual” he replied.
  5. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  6. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  7. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
  8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  9. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
  10. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Bumps in the Road Part 14

Bill was his old charming self that evening. They had dinner and saw a movie. Bobo and Lucy were both naturally funny and kept Kathleen in stitches. Bill had a few drinks and just got more gallant and attentive as the evening went on. Kathleen even loosened up and had a couple. She’d never had so much fun in her life. It was crazy for her to be so prudish about a little drinking. She found, she could even dance! They were out till after two. Bill had to shush her to stifle her giggles as they tiptoed into the house. It was clear he’d had more experience tiptoeing than she had.

It was after ten when Bill awoke He’d already dressed. “Sweetheart, you can’t sleep all day! We got to go get you all fancied up and go see your folks!”

“Oh my gosh! I forgot all about that! I’ve never slept this late in my life! Let me get a quick bath and dress.” She hurried through her bath and makeup and was proud to find a yellow print dress Bill hadn’t seen yet. Mama was an accomplished seamstress and prided herself that her kids were the best-dressed in the neighborhood. In fact, the only luxury she and Roscoe had ever bought was a Singer sewing machine which she kept humming. All Kathleen had to do was point out a dress she liked in a store window or catalog and Mama would whip one up like it.

“Don’t you look a sight!” Bill said as she twirled for him. “I swear you’re as pretty as a picture. I ain’t never seen nothing like you!”

They stopped for a quick breakfast at the cafe. Kathleen was so proud to show Bill off to the giggling girls she’d worked with. Their admiring envy felt wonderful. She was the luckiest girl in the world to be on his arm.

Kathleen found a darling navy dress with white lace cuff and collar in the first shop they visited on the Clarksville square. It was nice but too expensive at $8.98. Bill must have thought so ,too, since he steered her out of there, saying he wanted to look a little more.

“Let’s look in here.” he said, pointing out a turquoise dress with sequins on the bodice.

“Bill,” she whispered. “We can’t go in there. That’s the most expensive shop in town.”

“I like that dress,” he said. “You need to try it.”

She hardly knew what to think when she saw the tag, $16.99. She’d never even tried on such a thing! It felt heavenly as it slipped over her shoulders. “It’s gorgeous, Bill, but way too expensive.” She whispered. “Let’s go back and get the navy one.”

“Miss?” he called to the saleslady. “We’ll take this one. Can you take the tags off so she can wear it now? It’s a special day!”

“I certainly can.” she replied, following Kathleen into the dressing room. She quickly wrapped the dress Kathleen had worn in and rang up the sale.

Kathleen Carries On Part 9 or It Couldn’t Be Helped

“It could’t be helped” Mother employed this phrase to excuse herself whenever she messed up. Since she was a ditz and a world-class procrastinator, it came in really handy. In her defense, with five children and a demanding husband, she always had too many things on her list.

On the most memorable occasion, my brother had been gifted a handsome suit. The whole family was pleased for him. The trousers were unhemmed, as was common at that time. They hung in his closet awaiting Mother’s attention for several days. Alas, an elderly neighbor died and Bill was asked to serve as pallbearer. The funeral was to be the next day. The new suit would be put into service.

“Mother, I need my new suit for Granny’s funeral. Can you hem it?” he asked.

“Okay, but I’ll need you to try it on so I can measure it. We’ll get it after a while.” They both moved on to other things. The lonely suit hung in the closet some more while they went about their business.

Daddy announced he and Mother were to visit with the bereaved that evening. They didn’t get home till after ten.

Bill was in a panic about his trousers. “Mother, you’ve got to hem my suit! The funeral is at two tomorrow!”

“There’s plenty of time in the morning. I’ll get it then.” She was exhausted.

Not surprisingly, the house was bedlam the next morning. Finally, about ten-thirty, it was suit-hemming time. Mother told Bill to put the pants on so she could measure. By this time, he was frustrated and mad. “I don’t have time to try them on!”

Annoyed at his impertinence, she vacillated. “Well, just hold them in front of yourself and show me where you want the hem.” Irritated, he held them to his waist. “Now where do you want the hem?” He bent and pointed. She snipped. He rushed to the shower while she hemmed and pressed.

In a few minutes, he called out. He was all dressed except for his trousers. She bragged on her neat job as she hurried the pants back to him. In minutes, with a face like a thundercloud, he was out to model the new suit. He was fully dressed in jacket and tie, even down to shoes and socks. The trouser hems were fully three inches above his socks. He looked like Tom Sawyer in knee breeches! Everybody sat in shocked silence. The suit was ruined! Mother looked at Bill in the suit she’d just destroyed and excused herself.

“Well, it couldn’t be helped.” Out of shock, the room exploded in guffaws. It was obvious there had been so many ways “it could have been helped!”