1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”

3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!

7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.

10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”