Day: June 22, 2024

Bumps in the Road Part 7

Though Kathleen was only nineteen, she’d already been engaged to a nice, well-educated fellow who worked at the radio station.  She wasn’t deeply attracted to him but her mother really pushed for the marriage thinking he’d be a good provider and husband since he was a bit older and settled.  Kathleen had always been submissive to Mama, but this time she stood her ground.  Mama was manipulative and knew how to sling guilt, so Kathleen was subjected to her stormy disapproval.  Mama was a force to be dealt with.  Subject to depression, she’d had no qualms about telling the child Kathleen maybe she’d just run butt her head into a tree and kill herself.  Of course, the tiny girl believed her and both feared and felt desperate to get home from school, hoping not to find her mother dead and bloody at the base of a tree.  Remembering Mama’s domineering ways, she didn’t want to be subject to her machinations this time.  She’d deal with Mama when she had to.

Consequently, Kathleen made no mention of her new romance with Mama.  She did, however, discuss her concerns with Annie, her older sister.  “Bill wants me to marry him, but I’m worried.  He’s kind of wild.  I know he drinks.  I think I love him and want to marry him when I’m with him, but don’t when I’m away from him.  What do you think I should do?”

Annie gave her the worst counsel I think I’ve ever heard anyone give a a nineteen year-old kid.  “I think you ought to do what you think is best.” No one understands the ramifications of such a life-altering decision at that age.  Kathleen wasn’t grown.  She was just driven by her hormones as all teenagers are.  She’d been saving herself for marriage and was madly in love.

For his part, Bill was just as much in love.  It was hard to believe this incredible girl wanted him.  She was gorgeous, smart, witty, and obviously a person of quality.  He’ d asked around.  Her reputation was flawless.  She was the girl of his dreams.  He was as smitten as she was.

Once the decision was made, Kathleen starting making plans.  Bill was to pick her up at  the hotel at noon.  Kathleen dressed carefully in  her white spring dress and new hat with its two pink roses.  She didn’t like hats, but this seemed right for a wedding.  Twelve o’clock came and went, then one o’clock.  Fearing she’d been left at the altar, so to speak, Kathleen got more agitated and angry.  The very nerve!  As she fidgeted, she picked up a razor blade lying on the sink edge.  She noticed a ragged cuticle and went to work on it.  As you’d expect, she nicked herself. A rivulet of bright red blood dripped down the skirt of her pristine wedding dress just as she got the call that Bill was waiting downstairs for her.  Thankfully, peroxide cleaned her dress right up.  She dashed downstairs to meet the man she intended to spend the rest of her life with.

They were married that afternoon in Paris,Texas.

How I waste the most time everyday

I waste the most time doing housework, maybe two hours a day. It has to be done so I can enjoy the rest of my day, but I’ve never learned to like it. I do, however, enjoy a clean house. I never feel like reading, writing, working in my flowers and plants is a waste of time. Neither is time spent with family,friends, and cuddling my pets.

Puke

As I walked in my first grade classroom in December 1956,  I  wondered what all the excitement in the back of the room was about. The kids were buzzing around a mushy, malodorous pile of paper towels on the floor.  “What happened?

“Belinda puked!”  Jody giggled and pointed.

“What’s puke?”  I was glad someone else asked because I didn’t know either. It sounded like a bad word and Mother had so far prevented me from hearing as many bad words as I would have liked..  Jamey Alston picked up the corner of the towel and revealing a puddle of puke, educating me and several others.  Nancy Pearson walked in just in time to puke when she saw it.

Everyone but Belinda and Nancy thought it was hilarious.  The teacher shooed us out so the janitor could clean it up before someone else wanted to know what puke was.  What a great day!  I learned a very useful word and the class got an extra recess.  I also learned I didn’t want to be a janitor, my first taste of career conseling.

Most days at school were all right.  I loved recess and lunch, but they didn’t last long enough.  Sometimes the classes got boring and I daydreamed.  Miss Angie said I was a scatterbrain, meaning that I didn’t pay attention, drew pictures in class, lost my homework, and chattered to my friends. She even said I could make straight A’s if I only tried. I was so pleased since it was certainly all true! I thought scatterbrained was good till she sent a note home.  Daddy and Mother didn’t agree that scatterbrained sounded good and explained it in a way I couldn’t confuse!

Trouble always seemed to be looking for me.  How was I supposed to know what I wasn’t supposed to say in class?  My teacher, Miss Angie’s face got red when I told her, “My mother said she wouldn’t take her dog to see Dr. Lewis!”

Putting her hand on her hip and snapped at me, “I’ll have you know my daddy is a very good doctor!”  Then she made me stand at the blackboard with my nose in a chalk ring.  I got in trouble again when I got home and told Mother how mean Miss Angie was to me.  After that, Mother called one of the other mothers and told her she wouldn’t be able to help with the class Christmas party the next day because the baby was sick.  The baby didn’t look sick to me, but it seemed like a good time to practice to keep my mouth shut.

Kathleen Carries On  Part 5 or Kathleen Tries to Takeover Windsor Castle

Kathleen surprised
Kathleen, Surprised

Windsor Castle Attempted Takeover

It’s not likely you heard this on the news, but I suspect my mother, Kathleen tried to stage a takeover of Windsor Castle about twenty years ago when she was merely seventy-five or so. You see, Kathleen has been jealous of Queen Elizabeth ever since she knew there was such a person as Queen Elizabeth. She was only a year younger and probably a much more deserving person of all that went along with being a princess. For instance, in her pictures, Princess Elizabeth always had curly hair. Kathleen’s hair was, blonde, straight, and fine. Worse yet, Kathleen’s father kept her hair in a bowl cut. She felt sure the king didn’t perch Princess Elizabeth on a stool in the kitchen and lop her hair off. Besides, if it was naturally curly, that was even more unfair, Princess Elizabeth’s family had plenty of money to get her a perm. Kathleen was poor with straight hair.

The magazines were full of photos with Princess Elizabeth going here and there in sumptuous clothes. What had she done to deserve all that fuss? Kathleen worked hard in school, behaved in church, and helped her parents in the house and garden. She was much more deserving. The princess probably did nothing all day except play with snooty kids, go to tea parties, and sit on a cushion in her crown. It just wasn’t right.

Worse yet, when she got married and had children people went crazy for her. Kathleen had five children and had to manage on her own no matter how hard things got.

Considering all this, I believe when Kathleen got to Windsor Castle , she tried to stage a coup. The story I heard was, “We were the last group of the day. I didn’t want to miss a thing, so I put off going to the bathroom as long as I could. I darted in the bathroom for just a minute, and when I came out everybody was gone. I had to look around and find a guard to let me out. It took a while.” I don’t doubt the part about ducking in the bathroom. Mother knows everything bathroom between her own and Timbuktu. The part I don’t believe is the “just a minute” part. We’ve timed Mother. Her shortest bathroom visit is thirteen minutes. I don’t know what she does.

Meanwhile, her tour group was waiting outside, twiddling their thumbs and questioning where she could be. They would have probably left her had my sister not been with them.

I fully believe had that nosy guard not interfered, Mother would have perched herself on the throne.

Jokes

A Guy is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

“Oi. You can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mudcrab in the boot. It isn’t mudcrab season. I’ll fine you!!”

Paddy says, “No way mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mudcrab is my pet. His name is Marty. Everyday I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.”

So he took the mudcrab and put it in the water. The mudcrab scuttled away and disappeared.

“Well, where is he?” asked the ranger.

“Where’s what?”

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor. 
After a long examination, the doctor says “You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don’t think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live” 
The woman, desperate, begs him “Are you really sure there isn’t any drug that can help me ?” 
The doctor thinks for a minute and says “Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day” 
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says “Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?” 
The doctor answers “Oh no, that won’t cure you, but at least you’ll get used to being in the earth.”

So Fred has accidentally cut off John’s ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John’s ear.

“Help me find it in all this mud,” said John. “If we find it they can sew it back on.”

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, “Here it is”, handing the ear to John.
“That’s not it,” said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car. 

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled by a horse. As he got close enough, the farmer says “hey there, where are you going?”

“I’m going to the town. My car broke down and I’m trying to get some help fixing it” says the ventriloquist. 

“I saw the car and figured its owner would be around here somewhere” says the farmer. “Get on, I’ll take you to my home as it’s getting late and we’re still miles away from the town. I’ll take you there tomorrow”

The ventriloquist gets on and they go on their way. As they ride, they start having a conversation. 

“I’m just a farmer, I live out here with my animals. My horse, pigs, chickens, goat. What do you do?” asks the farmer. 

“I’m a veterinarian” says the ventriloquist. “I have a special gift, I can talk to animals and that helps me understand what’s wrong with them.”

The farmer is in disbelief. “Ain’t no way you can talk to animals! Can you talk to my horse? What does he have to say about me?”

The ventriloquist says “Sure enough. Talk to me horse, let your owner hear what you have to say. What do you think about him?” The ventriloquist, using his ventriloquism, makes the horse talk. “He’s a good owner neighhh, he feeeds me and treats me well brrr”. 

The farmer is incredulous. He cannot believe what he just heard. They get to his house and immediately goes and grabs a pig. “What does this pig have to say?” asks the farmer. 

“My master is a good master oink, he makes sure my mud is always fresh oink”

The farmer is in shock! As he takes the pig away, he turns around and looks at the ventriloquist and says “Feel free to make yourself at home, and talk to the animals all you want. Except for the goat, she’s a liar, don’t believe a thing she says!”

I Love Mr. Henry

 

loveMr. Henry was the one admitted as a patient, but the nurses took care of Miss Alice, too.  Mr. Henry had to have been in his late forties when he married simple-minded little Miss Alice, a girl of fourteen.  Nowadays, that would have been a case for the courts, but when it happened back in the sixties, there was no one to speak for Miss Alice.  They’d been married more than thirty years when I knew them and appeared to dote on each other.  Miss Alice never voluntarily left his side, except to go down to the courtyard to bum cigarettes from patients and staff smoking in the long ago days when hospitals had smoking areas.  Sometimes she even talked folks out of a little money.  After a successful run, she’d bring a couple back up to him to smoke in the room.  Miss Alice ended almost every conversation with, “I love Mr. Henry

Knowing Miss Alice didn’t have money to eat in the cafeteria, the staff always slipped her the “extra tray.”  She also knew her way around the kitchen and dipped into the popsicles, ice cream, juice, and milk for herself and Mr. Henry.  Over the three or four years I cared for Mr. Henry, I saw him get sicker and sicker.  Though he loved Miss Alice, he was a horny old-goat.  Staff had to dance to keep from being patted and pinched, but he was savvy enough not to do it in front of Miss Alice.  She told us she’d whipped a couple of women over Mr. Henry.  I, for one, didn’t want to get patted and “whipped.”  One day, he had a seizure.  We initiated resuscitation and worked to get him back.  The first sign of success was when he squeezed a nurse’s breast while she was trying to get his blood pressure.  We felt pretty sure he was back to normal, then.

Even though he was an unapologetic, old lecher, we were fond of Mr. Henry, probably because we loved Miss Alice. One day, I heard Mr. Henry had died. I’ve wondered so many times how Miss Alice fared after his death.

She loved Mr. Henry.