A Guy is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

“Oi. You can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mudcrab in the boot. It isn’t mudcrab season. I’ll fine you!!”

Paddy says, “No way mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mudcrab is my pet. His name is Marty. Everyday I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.”

So he took the mudcrab and put it in the water. The mudcrab scuttled away and disappeared.

“Well, where is he?” asked the ranger.

“Where’s what?”

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor. 
After a long examination, the doctor says “You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don’t think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live” 
The woman, desperate, begs him “Are you really sure there isn’t any drug that can help me ?” 
The doctor thinks for a minute and says “Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day” 
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says “Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?” 
The doctor answers “Oh no, that won’t cure you, but at least you’ll get used to being in the earth.”

So Fred has accidentally cut off John’s ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John’s ear.

“Help me find it in all this mud,” said John. “If we find it they can sew it back on.”

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, “Here it is”, handing the ear to John.
“That’s not it,” said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car. 

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled by a horse. As he got close enough, the farmer says “hey there, where are you going?”

“I’m going to the town. My car broke down and I’m trying to get some help fixing it” says the ventriloquist. 

“I saw the car and figured its owner would be around here somewhere” says the farmer. “Get on, I’ll take you to my home as it’s getting late and we’re still miles away from the town. I’ll take you there tomorrow”

The ventriloquist gets on and they go on their way. As they ride, they start having a conversation. 

“I’m just a farmer, I live out here with my animals. My horse, pigs, chickens, goat. What do you do?” asks the farmer. 

“I’m a veterinarian” says the ventriloquist. “I have a special gift, I can talk to animals and that helps me understand what’s wrong with them.”

The farmer is in disbelief. “Ain’t no way you can talk to animals! Can you talk to my horse? What does he have to say about me?”

The ventriloquist says “Sure enough. Talk to me horse, let your owner hear what you have to say. What do you think about him?” The ventriloquist, using his ventriloquism, makes the horse talk. “He’s a good owner neighhh, he feeeds me and treats me well brrr”. 

The farmer is incredulous. He cannot believe what he just heard. They get to his house and immediately goes and grabs a pig. “What does this pig have to say?” asks the farmer. 

“My master is a good master oink, he makes sure my mud is always fresh oink”

The farmer is in shock! As he takes the pig away, he turns around and looks at the ventriloquist and says “Feel free to make yourself at home, and talk to the animals all you want. Except for the goat, she’s a liar, don’t believe a thing she says!”