My niece sent me this. The noise in the background is the mower. This badass chicken is making short work of this snake! I even felt sorry for the snake. Sadly, there weren’t enough snakes to go around.
Month: June 2024
Bumps in the Road Part 3
At one desperate point, while Eddie was about the slow business of dying at Grandma Swain’s, Mettie gratefully moved her family to her brother Albert’s recently acquired farm, miles and miles from town. Red dust fogged up with the rare passing conveyance. In foul weather, the red dirt road was impassable. There was no possibility of the kids attending school since the nearest bus stop was ten miles away where the dirt road joined a hard surface road. School attendance was not mandatory at this time.
Mettie’s focus was on survival. Fortunately, in addition to the farmhouse he and his wife moved into, a battered, unpainted house was available for the poor band. Had Mettie not been in such need, he would have used it as a barn Again, it was free. They could get milk and butter from Albert’s cows if Mettie helped with the milking. Albert’s wife, Mary, kindly passed along a hen with twelve chicks and young rooster. They could eat from Mary’s garden if she and the girls helped with gardening and canning. Of course they would! They settled in the hovel where wind sailed through the rickety walls and rain poured through the leaky roof. The uncles put the boys to cutting and splitting wood for shingles, then set them to roofing. A toilet leaned crazily out back, but the deep well provided cool,clean water. Of course the rural farm had no utilities, no matter, since Mettie hadn’t funds to pay. Her brothers, Willie and Albert, did what they could to help, from plowing her garden, providing her a pig to fatten and slaughter in the fall. Willie traded a fine sow with a litter of pigs and gifted her bony milk cow. Fortunately, when the old cow freshened, it was a heifer, ensuring Mettie would have a young cow to replace the old one at her inevitable This was a Godsend. A family without a milk cow was in trouble.
When Eddie eventually died in 1937, the four younger children qualified for seventy-four dollars a month Aid to Dependant Children. Mettie was able to move to a better house near town so the little girls could go to school. Mettie had a penchant for moving till the day she died. Daddy said she’d start crying and nothing would satisfy her till she got to move. No doubt, she had mood issues.
The same year the family got on “relief,” her eldest son joined Civilian Conservation Corp for which he was provided clothes, wages, food, and lodging for working on government conservation projects. He was paid the princely sum of thirty dollars a month, twenty-five of which went directly to his mother. Three years later, the second son joined. The boys had never lived dressed or lived so well. At thirteen, Daddy was six feet tall. He was able to pass for fifteen, snagging a job on an nearby oil rig as a night watchman. He slipped home most nights to eat a late supper. All three boys had given up school long ago to look for work. At any rate, Daddy said they couldn’t face the taunting of hateful kids over their bedraggled clothes.
Best of the Afternoon Weird Relative Funnies
When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for us.
- Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.
- Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future
- People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”
- Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.
- Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marry-er. Attends church when he has to.
- Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.
- High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.
- Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?
- Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1
Instead of saying, “Uncle Henry’s a pretty good guy, but sometimes he goes off the deep end, you could say, ‘He’s a usually about a 6 but he was a little 4-ish after Aunt Lou took his new truck and ran off with his brother’.” Or…
“Why in the world did Betty marry him? He was a jerk to her when she was married to his daddy.”
“Well, you know she’s a 5.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” Or…
“You set the house on fire trying to dry your underwear in the oven?? What in the hell were you thinking?? And you call yourself a 6?”
“Look, you know darn well I’m a 6. It just seemed like a good idea. Appliances should be multifunctional. I’ve seen you pull a 2 lot of times and never threw it up to you. It could happen to anyone.” Or…
“You forgot and put the turnip greens through the spin cycle and now the washing machine drain is stopped up! I’m not even going to ask you what turnip greens were doing in the washing machine! You’re a 2 if I ever saw one. Your mama and sisters are 2’s, too!! Did you put the beans in the dishwasher, too, while you were at it?”
“No, I’m not an idiot. You cook beans on the stove. I put my rolls in the dishwasher to rise.”
Family reunions are an eclectic mix of mostly 5’s who vacation in 4 and 6 on occasion, some fairly regular folks, seasoned with a picante’ dash of street-corner preachers, nude airport racers, and folks who are just interesting in general. We have a couple of 7’s thrown in, reminders of what we could do if we tried. A person’s situation on the social ladder is likely to be greatly influenced by his company or partner. For instance, if a submissive #5 marries a dominant #7, it is likely he or she will benefit. If the lower number is more influential, not so much.
I was comfortable growing up in this milieu of the 1950’s. While I gave lip service to my parents’ goal of strict respectability, I enjoyed a ringside seat to periodic lunacy. It also justified my lapses. It ran it the family! And no matter how disappointed my parents might be when I messed up, at least I hadn’t been caught naked in traffic yet.
When considering their upcoming parenthood, most people entertain hormone-tinged delusions, imagining their children as cute, well-behaved, athletic, and smart. We gaze fondly at our partners imagining a baby with his blue eyes, her sweet smile…we should have looked a little closer at Grandpa’s buck teeth or Grandma’s frizzy hair. Even better, this baby is just as likely to inherit genes from a great-great grandpa, the horse thief, as from Grandpa John, the Pulitzer Prize Winner. The baby may look a lot more like Aunt Fanny, the lady wrestler, than its pretty mama. A better plan would probably be to put all babies in a lottery at birth, so parents could credit their lumps to bad luck and the joys to good parenting for the next twenty-one years. The kids would definitely appreciate it.
My family is as much a mixed bag of nuts as any. As a kid, I was most fascinated by the ones on the fringes. My favorite was Uncle Chester, not because he was friendly, funny, or even seemed to notice me, but because he was the first solid #3 of my acquaintance. (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future.) As a young man in the depression, he started out as a moonshiner and petty criminal, lounging a bit in local jails. He never really hit the big time and made the Federal Penitentiary till he got caught counterfeiting quarters. His technique was sloppy and his product unpolished. He was fortunate in getting caught red-handed passing his ugly quarters. In 1941 he was sent up to Fort Leavenworth for some higher education. and made good use of his time apprenticing himself to a cellmate who was doing time for making twenty-dollar bills.
Aunt Jenny #5 (Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.) was short-sighted about Uncle Chester’s situation and ditched him while he was imprisoned, but realized she still loved him when he came home with his enhanced earning capacity. They let bygones be bygones, got back together, and had three lovely children. Their eldest son Lynn and daughter Sue were solid #7s from the start. (Good fellows. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.) Uncle Chester was perfectly willing to give Lynn a good start in business, but Lynn was ungrateful, distanced himself from his father’s dealings, joined the military, and avoided the family business altogether, even seeming to resent his father. One Sunday dinner, when Uncle Chester was dropping names of the interesting people he had been in jail with at various times, Lynn rudely interrupted, “Daddy, you’ve been in jail with everybody at one time or another.” Uncle Chester did step up and keep Cousin Lynn from making a mistake. Lynn came home on leave from the military and met a girl he wanted to marry; love at first sight. She was a pretty as a spotted puppy and even she noticed how much she looked like Ross. Uncle Chester got her off to the side and asked a few questions about her mama and daddy and where she was raised. He was waiting up for Lynn to get home. “Son, I sure hope things ain’t gone too far. I hate it, but you can’t marry that li’l old gal. She looks just like her Mama did when we was running around together. There’s a real good reason she looks just like yore brother Ross – a real good reason.”
By the fifties, Uncle Chester had branched out a little. He did a little research and decided lawsuits paid well and weren’t too much work. He captured some bees, applied them to his leg. When his leg was good and swollen, he got his buddy to drop him off downtown at a trolley stop. As the trolley approached, Uncle Chester carefully stumbled into the path of the trolley, suffering a knee injury in front of numerous witnesses. He collapsed to the ground, moaning and groaning. Suffering terribly, he was transported and treated at the hospital. Now Uncle Chester was set with a fifty-thousand dollar settlement, a tidy sum for that time.
Their daughter Susie turned out real well, became a teacher, and married a Baptist Preacher, lending Uncle Chester a much appreciated touch of respectability. Uncle Chester and Aunt Jenny were very generous toward her church, and the legitimacy of their donations was never questioned. Sadly, many years later Susie’s daughter a bona fide #3, embarrassed them all by stealing from her employer.
Ross, Uncle Chester’s youngest son, a gifted #3 (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future) followed in Uncle Chester’s footsteps. He dabbled in moonshine, petty crime, and scams but just never rose to Uncle Chester’s level. He initiated a few crooked lawsuits but lacked the brain power and organization to pull bigger things off. All went well till he got too big for his britches and tried setting up business in Texas. When he got caught moon shining in someone else’s territory, he called the old man for help and Uncle Chester had to admit, “I’m sorry son, but I can’t do a thing for you. I don’t have any influence with the law out there.” Uncle Chester felt bad about one of his boys getting in trouble till the day he died,” but sometimes you just have to let kids make their own mistakes.”
Aunt Jenny was stingy. You would think she got her money in the usual way. Or maybe she just got tired of hearing Uncle Chester complain how hard it was to make money, but she would even make her own mother pay for a ride to the grocery store. When Maw Maw won some groceries in a weekly contest she had to share with Aunt Jenny since she rode with Aunt Jenny to the grocery store every week. Aunt Jenny sold eggs and tomatoes and charged Maw Maw the same as everyone else.
When Aunt Jenny got older, she got dentures. She liked them so well she saved them for special occasions. She wore them when she had ladies over for coffee, church, and Sunday dinner. Being toothless didn’t hold her back a bit. She could take a bite off an apple as well as anyone and could have won a fried chicken eating contest hands down.
We had plenty of other interesting relatives, too. Dogs were off limits inside our house. All we had were hunting dogs, dogs with a purpose. People with house dogs were considered silly and weak-minded. Cookie and Uncle Riley (#4 People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”)never came to visit without bringing a couple of fat, shiny, little house dogs. You can guess what category this put them in. Daddy grudgingly tolerated their dogs as long as the dogs didn’t bark or mess up the house. They chattered endlessly about their dogs. Uncle Riley frequently assured us his dog, Jackie, was, “just like a person.” Daddy agreed the dog was as smart as Uncle Riley.
Unfortunately, Jackie got some kind of skin infection. Cookie and Uncle Riley showed up for a visit with poor Jackie, bald as an egg, the skin on his entire body irritated and red. Uncle Riley had been too cheap to take him to a veterinarian and concocted his own home remedy. He would dip Jackie in a Lysol and pine-oil mixture, reasoning it would kill any bacteria. The best we could tell, Jackie was bacteria and hair-free, but itching miserably with blistered skin. Uncle Riley felt badly about his medicine gone bad, and lovingly coated Jackie with Calamine Lotion several times a day. While Uncle Riley told us of Jackie’s troubles, he was unaware of Jackie sitting at his feet, licking his wounds. Not surprisingly, the harsh home remedy inflicted the most damage on Jackie’s sensitive nether portions. As he licked his little doggy privates tenderly, Uncle Willie reminded us Jackie was “just like a person.” Three-year-old John was watching Jackie’s ablutions intently and remarked, “I never saw a person do that!”
Uncle Charlie , another #3, was a compulsive liar. It didn’t concern him that no one believed him. He just lied because he was so darn good at it. Uncle Charlie would climb up on the roof to tell a lie instead of stand on the ground and tell the truth. If Uncle Charlie told you it was raining, don’t bother with your umbrella. He worked at the paper mill with Daddy, and had such a reputation for lying, that anyone repeating one of Charlie’s stories had to buy coffee for the group. One afternoon on coffee break, Charlie came rushing by the fellows in a big hurry. “Charlie, stop and tell us a lie!” one of them called after him.
Charlie never looked back, “I can’t!” he called over his shoulder as he rushed on. “Ray Pierson fell in Smokestack #2 and I’m going to call an ambulance!” They all rushed to see about their buddy and found Ray Pierson in perfect health at his usual work station, Smokestack #2.
Cousin Vonia #5 and her husband Joe #4 (Oh, Crap! Here comes Johnny) came to visit a lot, bringing their three little kids. Joe was “disabled” and didn’t have to get up early, so he just wouldn’t go home. Mother sent us on to bed, but Joe wanted to sit till midnight, even on a school night. Their little kids would have been drooped over asleep for hours. Finally Daddy started telling Mother, “We’d better to go to bed so these good folks can go home.”
Joe would look disappointed, then get up and shuffle toward the door, saying, “Well, I guess I better get my sorry self on home.” Vonia would trail behind him, carrying two sleeping kids and guiding the other staggering kid to the car. Joe couldn’t carry kids. He had a “bad back.”
Joe had a few other quirks. He had been fortunate enough to hurt his back at work and land a nice settlement and a monthly disability check so invested in a few cows and took care of them from then on. For those who know nothing of cattle farming, it is extremely hard work. Joe and his disabled back spent many hours building fences, making hay, stacking hay in the barn, unstacking that same hay later and loading it on a trailer, then taking it off and feeding it to the cattle, herding cows, wrestling soon-to-be steers to the ground and helping them become steers. He spent hours on end driving a tractor. Hard, hard, hard work.
Joe had a strange quality for a farmer, eschewing all healthy foods and existing on a diet of peanut patties, banana pudding, and milk. He also smoked like a smokestack. This careful attention to diet paid off for him. He didn’t have a tooth in his head by the time he was thirty five. He refused to get dentures. He just dropped peanut patties from his diet. He said he didn’t need dentures for just milk and banana pudding. The smoking finally killed him when he was seventy-eight. He dropped a cigarette down the bib of his overalls and pulled out in front of a train.
Even though Great Uncle Albert was only a 4.5 – 5, he had given Daddy a place to stay and let him work for his keep during the terrible times of the 1930’s when Maw Maw was struggling to feed seven children alone. Daddy appreciated this and was loyal to Uncle Albert all his life. Old, grumpy, and hormone-depleted by the time I knew him in the mid 1950’s, it was hard for me to imagine him in his younger, randy days. He was dull, and full of good advice, a habit he’d developed since he’d gotten too old to set a bad example. Aunt Jewel wasn’t his first wife, and frankly, was on pretty shaky ground as a #2, but as far back as they lived in the sticks, there weren’t any airports, so she was hanging on. I heard whispers she had broken up his first marriage to Mary. Even more shocking, Uncle Albert was entertaining her when Mary tried to force her way in to the marital bedroom. Uncle Albert slammed the door, breaking his poor wife’s arm. Mary got the hint, took the baby, and left. Smart girl.
I had trouble envisioning this. I had never met Mary, but she had to look better than the Aunt Jewell I knew. I had heard Aunt Jewell used be really pretty, but she had gotten over it. By the time I knew her, she had smoked over forty years, had nicotine-stained fingers and teeth, wrinkles around her mouth from drawing on a cigarette, and her mouth pulled a little to one side. She had a thick middle, thin hair in a frizzy old-lady perm, and bird legs. She wore stockings rolled to her knees and cotton house dresses. She wheezed constantly and never spoke except to whine, “Albert, I’m ready to go now.” Or “Albert, give me a puff off your cigarette.” Oh yes. One time they came to visit after she’d fallen and broken a rib and she started crying and said, “Albert, I want a puff off your cigarette, but I’m too sore to cough. “ That was kind of interesting, but I couldn’t imagine a man choosing her over anyone else.
It was interesting to see my father treated as a kid. Uncle Albert felt free to give his opinion about whatever Daddy was up to. He arrived for a visit one day before Daddy got home from work and was inspecting the place. Daddy aspired to 8 or 9 (8. High achiever. Business in order.
- Looks too good to be true.) despite struggling to maintain a 6 (Regular guy. Holds down job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not serial marry-er. Attends church when he has to.)
Uncle Albert kept all his stuff organized and in perfect repair. Daddy’s barn was a disorganized mess. He tossed things wherever he got through with them. Uncle Albert walked around, examining items and commenting. “This is a good old singletree. It just needs a new chain.” “This is a good rasp. It just needs to be cleaned up.” “This is a good axe-head. It just needs to be sharpened and have a new handle put in.” Before too long, Daddy came striding up, delighted to see his uncle. He was smiling broadly and thrust out his hand.
Uncle Albert looked at straight at him and pronounced, “Bill, you need to get the junk man out here and get all this #^%$ hauled off.”
I’m pretty sure I can pass for a 5 most days.
Out of Retirement
Though I retired from my nursing career several years ago, a few days ago I was involuntarily called out of retirement. Hubby is suffering from back pain. We are rotating out heating pads, cushions, medications, and positioning in an effort to get him comfortable. So far, we haven’t found the magic combination. He is improving and looks forward to the benefit of physical therapy. I do believe hospital nursing was easier. There was support staff, change of shift, and a paycheck to look forward to.
The food doodling has been a huge deal. He alternates between sitting in his recliner and a wooden rocker. I bring his food on a tray. I definitely don’t want him trying to pick his way around Croc.
I can’t guess how many steps I’ve made between his chair and the kitchen. I did myself a solid favor today, can’t imagine why it took me so long to get my thoughts together. I put all the snacks in the house in this box. It rests serenely on his right side. On the left is a trash can. He tore into a package of taffy. I thought I detected a lifting of his spirits. After he opened the trail mix, it was definite. I suspect he’ll recover.
The poor dogs are having a hard time. Hubby is far superior when it comes to walking. I cut them short. Also, he gives them a cookie after every walk. I am far stingier, limiting them to a couple a day, landing me on their dirt list. From earlier in post You can surmise Bud believes snacks. Our little guy is a champion lap sitter, alternating between the two of us every time he thinks of it. Bud is not comfortable enough to hold him a lot now, so Izzy had to poop on the bathroom rug in protest. Had to be deliberate, since he doesn’t have accidents, just occasional “on purposes” to make his point.
Cat Funnies
I saw a poster today that asked, “Have you seen my cat?” So, I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.
What’s it called when all the treats are gone?
A-cat-astrophe.
What’s a kitten’s favorite kind of sticker?
Scratch and sniff.
How do French cats say “Thank You”?
“Meow-ci Beaucoup.”
I have a pencil once owned by Shakespeare…
Thanks to the cat it’s so chewed up I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Thanks Far Side
Bumps in the Road Part 2
The indigent family somehow survived the next two difficult years. After his father died , Daddy told of his moving in a battered old one-room shack sitting in a open field occupied by a bull and herd of cows. It had been a barn, just unpainted planks and unfinished interior walls The rusted tin roof with its nail holes topped the open rafters. The cows offered little threat, but the Jersey bull raged when the cows came in heat. Mettie and the kids had to always had to keep a look out for the old devil when they stepped outdoors to do laundry or fetch water from the creek. Mettie kept the little girls at hand in case they had to make a run for the house. She and the older boys made sure the bull was nowhere to be seen before climbing through the barbed wire to attempt the open field surrounding their house. One evening, the old bull was on a tear. Enraged, he had the family cornered in the house. A time or two, one of the boys slipped toward creek for water only to be run back, the bull crashing into the door behind them. He raged, assaulting the shack time after time, bashing his head against the walls and doors, venting his hormonal rage. Inside, expecting the bull to explode through the doorway at any second, Mettie and the boys had hoisted the traumatized little girls and themselves to the safety of the rafters to wait out the madness. The next day, they packed up and moved to Mettie’s Brother Albert’s farm, even though it was miles and miles from town.
A battered, unpainted house awaited them. Again, it was free. They could get milk and butter from one of Albert’s cows if she helped with the milking. Albert’s wife,Mary, kindly gave her a hen with twelve chicks and young rooster. They could eat from Mary’s garden if she and the girls would help with gardening and canning. They settled in. The wind sailed through the unchinked walls of the house. Rain poured through the ancient roof. The uncles put the boys to cutting and splitting wood for shingles, then set them to roofing. A toilet leaned crazily out back, but the deep well provided cool,clean water. Of course the rural farm had no utilities, no matter since she wouldn’t have had funds to pay for them. Her brothers, Willie and Albert, did what they could to help, from plowing her garden, promising her a pig to fatten and slaughter in the fall. Willie traded a fine sow with a litter of pigs and gifted her an ancient milk cow. Fortunately, when the old cow freshened, it was a heifer, ensuring Mettie would have a young cow to replace her when the old cow inevitably died. This was a Godsend. A family without a milk cow was in trouble.
Life actually improved upon her husband’s death in 1937. He had been out of the home for four years by that time, so Mettie’s grieving was likely long over. Daddy only mentioned his father twice to my recollection. On the first mention, prior to starting school, he was supposed to be following his father down a row in the cornfield, dropping four corn kernels in each hole his father made. In the way of small children, he soon tired of this, burying the whole lot at the end of the row, covering it with sand. Upon germination, seeing what he’d done, his father beat him. Another time, for some unrelated failing, his enraged father ripped the bed covers off the sleeping boy and brutally beat him with a razor strap! Daddy visited the same behavior on his own children more than once.
Mettie Knight Swain, my paternal grandmother was an Amazon of a woman an imposing figure at near six feet tall. Her gorgeous, silver hair stood around her head in a soft halo, made more striking by her pale blue eyes. She turned heads. Her physical stature alone inspired respect. She was vaguely friendly toward her grandchildren, not surprising since she had more than forty. I personally admired her penchant for stepping in if it looked as if one of the grandchildren might be about to get a swat. That alone made her my hero.
When Eddie died in 1937, the four younger children qualified for seventy-four dollars a month, Aid to Dependant Children, a veritable fortune. She promptly moved closer in to town. The same year, her eldest son joined Civilian Conservation Corp for which he was provided clothes, wages, food, and lodging for working on government conservation projects. He was paid the princely sum of thirty dollars a month, twenty-five of which which went directly to his mother. Three years later, the second son joined. The boys had never lived dressed or lived so well. At thirteen, Daddy was six feet tall. He was able to pass for fifteen, snagging a job on an nearby oil rig as a night watchman. He slipped home most nights to eat a late supper. All three boys had given up school long ago to look for work. At any rate, Daddy said they couldn’t face the taunting of hateful kids in their bedraggled clothes.
Puppy Love
I think my big dog is breaking one of the commandments. Do commandments apply to dogs? He covets his neighbor’s wife. When we are out walking and meet Ruth, he knocks himself out to get her attention. When she brags on him in her special, doggy voice, his tail goes into overdrive. I have to dance around out stay out of its way to avoid bruises. He pulls hard on his leash trying to get to her, I guess he’s thinking she’s the kind of girl who goes for bad boys. He does super deep, open-mouth breathing blowing hot air out of his gigantic mouth. It sounds for all the world like the deep breathing on the old-fashioned obscene phone calls that cellular phones ruined forever for perverts. All the while, he’s dancing a four-legged jitterbug, the only time he moves that fast. At one hundred thirty- five pounds, he does serious damage connecting with your foot. When all else fails, he bows up and deposits a giant poop before her before kicking up a dust cloud. Turning subtly, he peeks to see whether Ruth is impressed. Sadly, she isn’t, striding off leaving clean up for me! It wasn’t even my love offering! In truth, he’s like a lot of males past their prime. In truth, he is like a lot of males past their prime, flirting right along despite being overweight and balding.
Afternoon Funny
An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
Cow said “I’m a cow”.
Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunette got to the 900th step and laughed. The blonde got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t tell a joke.”
The blonde says: “I just got the first one.”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Woman, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest, “What did you do?”
Man, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Man, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi, “What did you do?”
Woman, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi, “How many times?”
Woman, “Once.”
Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
Including link: https://letstalkguild.com/
“Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Evening massage – 6 p.m.
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.
Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. After communion, we will sing “Crown Him With Many Crows.”” https://letstalkguild.com/ltg/index.php?threads/church-bulletin-bloopers.212004/#:~:text=Favorite%20Church%20Bulletin,With%20Many%20Crows.%E2%80%9D
Nutsrok 