Month: June 2024

A Soft Place to Fall

Dana and Bill lived across from us for years.  Their two kids, Betsey and Greg hung out at our house a lot.  Betsey was our daughter’s age and Greg about three years younger.  He hung out with the girls or me and Bud.  He was a witty, cute kid and we liked having them both around.  Dana, a psychiatric nurse, worked nights.  She was a card-carrying mean drunk.  Even if they were allowed indoors, they were only allowed to eat a pre-determined amount of food since she didn’t want them to get fat. She had locks on the cabinets and freezer. Of course, they were always hungry and ate with us. Much of the time, she locked the kids out so she could sleep. Bill, also an alcoholic, was totally whipped and didn’t protect the kids. 

One afternoon, Greg rushed over to the house.  “Don’t let my dad get me!  He’s gonna beat my ass!  Greg disappeared into the bathroom with his dad close on his heels.  Bill pounded on the back door and tried to push in past Bud with a belt doubled up in his fist, none too steady on his feet.  Had he thought ahead, he’d have realized that was a bad idea.  Bud had four inches of reach and forty pounds on him, but Bud stayed calm.

“I’m coming in for Greg.  Dana said I gotta whip him.  Him and the Bailey kid got in the beer.  His mama told him what was gonna happen if he got in the beer.”  Bill looked shamefaced, his heart not in his errand.

“Now hold on.  I can’t let you go in my house and beat a kid.  There are better ways to handle this.” Bud told him.  “Go back home and sober up.  Looks like y’all have both had plenty of beer.”

“Alright, I won’t come bustin’ in over you, but I’m gonna beat his ass when he gets home.” Bill offered.

“I’d think real hard about that.”  Bud told him.  “If you do that, you’ll have to deal with me.  Go on home.  Your boy can stay here till you’re sober and we’ll talk about it.”  Bill left, seeming somewhat relieved at not having to deal with anything he’d stirred up.

Bud called Greg out.  “Greg, you know you’re not old enough to drink.  I wouldn’t let you drink either.  You can stay here till I talk to your Dad and it’s safe to go home.”

The next day Bill came over and talked to the three of us, Greg, Bud, and me.  “Dana said  he can come home, but he’s going to Pine Hill.  (Adolescent Psychiatric Facility)  Get your stuff, boy.”

Bud asked Greg.  “Is that what you want to do?”

“No sir.  Can I stay here a few more days?” Greg asked.

“That’s between you and your dad.  What do you think, Bill?”

“I gotta talk to Dana.  She’s still pretty worked up.”  Bill answered.

Greg stayed, not causing a minute of trouble.  We weren’t foolish enough to think the problem was solved.  We just wanted him safe.  Four days later, Dana came to see Greg.  “Do you want to come home?  We miss you. You’ve been punished enough.”

“Am I still in trouble?  Dad ain’t gonna whip me is he?  I don’t  want to go to the hospital.” Greg looked worried.

“No. I promise.  Dad ain’t going to whip you and we aren’t to put you in the hospital.  Just stay out of the beer.” She told him.

He went home to an apparently peaceful house, for the moment.

Over the next couple of years the family dynamics changed, not by choice.  Dana got cancer and didn’t live long.   She was heavily medicated and continued to drink, so her involvement was less each day.  When she got too sick to work, they had to find a cheaper place to live. The children grew up and we lost touch, except for a time or two.  The last I heard, Greg was doing well enough to move out on his own.  Betsey was in and out of a couple of relationships, but eventually settled down, married,  and had a couple of kids.  The last I heard, she was going to nursing school.I hope for the best for these kids.

Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
– Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

Annie’s Gift

Upon noticing the festive music, floral embellishments in the yard and the parade of guests, we surmised there was a wedding in the works across the street. We were vaguely friendly with the Becketts, but often went weeks without having a real conversation, so we weren’t surprised not to have heard of their plans, nor would we have expected an invitation. I alerted the kids to steer clear of the revelry making a point to walk our dalmatian, Annie, in the opposite direction, so as not to interfere with the Beckett’s plans. Annie caught a whiff of the tantalizing aromas wafting from the Beckett’s back patio and realized how desperately she needed to check the situation out.  She enjoyed a close relationship with their dog, Scotty, and realized she’d being meaning to check on him.  Like us, the Becketts had children who were likely to leave doors open, enhancing their dog’s social life.  Annie and Scotty had enjoyed many adventures together.  Consequently, the dogs felt very comfortable “dropping in” whenever the opportunity arose.  We knew Scotty far better than we did his owners. Annie had no doubt her invitation to the Beckett’s shindig had gotten lost in the mail.  She pulled on her leash, anxiously to join the fun.

I dragged her home.  With nose pressed to the living room windows and her eyes glued to the front door, she barked, whined, and cried her heartbreak at being kept from the party.  She would have scratched through the front door if allowed.  With so many guests, Scotty ran wild and free, making a trip or two through our yard, looking for Annie., keeping her desperation at a peak.

Finally, one of the kids left the door open.  Annie was out like a shot, making a beeline for the party.  She got there just in time to bound joyously around family and friends queued up to shower the bride and groom with congratulations as they emerged from their nuptials, the bride resplendent in her lace, the groom tall and handsome.  It was a lovely sight.  Annie was so overcome, she squatted in their path and presented her gift, a huge poop.  She’d been shut in too long to be denied.

THE GOAT

Two guys were hiking in the woods and decided to have lunch at one of the picnic grounds along trail. They discovered a big hole at the edge of the picnic area and wondered how deep it was. So they decided to drop in a pebble and listen for it to hit bottom. They dropped in a pebble and nothing happened. No noise. They dropped in a boulder and there was still no noise. They decided to scout around for something really big to drop in the hole and came across a railroad tie. They pushed and pulled it over to the hole and dropped it in. Still no noise.

Suddenly a goat ran out of the woods and jumped into the hole. 

As they were packing up their lunch, a farmer came by and asked if they had seen his goat. They said the only goat they had seen that day had been running in the woods and had come out and jumped into the hole.

The farmer said, ‘It couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a railroad tie!’

Nurse’s Lessons: Cultural Awareness and Patient Care in Nursing

One of the first things I had confirmed as a nurse was I didn’t know much. This was no surprise. In nursing school I had nightmares of being in left alone with no idea what to do. I was not disappointed. My first shift in charge, in the first room I went in, I found an unconscious, bloody patient on the floor. Rushing out, I braced myself against the door, forcing myself not to run. After a calming moment, I called out to an experienced nurse who knew just what to do. Totally unsettled, she took over. I was saved. Later, she even told me I did a good job. I am still grateful.

Not long after, I was getting a patient ready to go to surgery. I reached under her head to remove a tattered newspaper, assuming she had put it there in confusion. She grabbed my hand with a tight grip, whispering fiercely. “Leave it! That keeps the witches away!” I left it.

Her daughter arrived just as the surgical transport team rolled in. She was bidding her mother good luck as the team moved Mama to the stretcher. One of them reached for the ragged paper just as I had. The daughter shrieked. “Don’t touch it. It keeps the witches away!” She went to surgery with it. I was humbled to realize it held real meaning for them both. I knew nothing of their beliefs but learned they were valid.

It wasn’t long before I got another lesson. I was helping a colleague settle a restless patient after surgery. We changed her gown, whisked soiled bedding into a hamper, and tidied her up in general, thinking she’d be comforted. She became more agitated. Her daughter came in and was horrified. Where’s her prayer cloth? Did you lose Mama’s prayer cloth?” I could tell this was huge. We all got busy searching. The daughter found the prayer cloth on the floor. It was a six-by- six swatch of cotton fabric. It might have been torn from a sheet. I pinned the prayer cloth to her gown. Mama settled down. You can be sure I reported the importance of that prayer cloth to the oncoming shift. Who am I to know the source of comfort?

There all kinds of healing.

Dog’s Life

Our brave dog, Croc, has a hard life.  In this photo, he is anxiously awaiting  the mail carrier.  So far, he has a one hundred percent success rate in chasing him off. Please note the crocheted afghan he rests under.  Yes, I made it just for him.  Mornings are the best for him.  Protecting the house from the postal service is a great sacrifice since afterwards he has to sleep on top of his blanket unless someone happens by to cover him.

 

BEFORE

AFTER

 

The mail carrier has once again been vanquished, but as you can see, Though he has blankets, poor Croc is uncovered.  He has, however, acquired the baby’s favorite doll to comfort him.  He covets her snugglies, and given the opportunity, snitches them.  This fearsome beast is all that stands between us and the USPS.  Of course, he is not allowed on sofa.

 

Best Preacher Jokes

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise… Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife… the word is sternum.”

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality. Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid but as soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job. He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says, “Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?” The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says, “You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?” The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees. Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him. Over time, however, this method began damaging the man’s head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line. But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued. On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached. He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine. However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target. His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly. A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man’s body, including a police officer. A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks, “Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?” The police officer looks at the dead man and replies, “I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

LaffGaff, The Home Of Fun And Laughter!

It’s Yucky

My baby was due in three weeks.  I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get a nap.  At three, John had given up naps.  I locked all the doors and found King Kong on TV.  I fixed him a tray of snacks and a drink.  “You are a big boy.  I’m going to take a nap while you watch King Kong. You can wake me up if you really need me but I’m so tired. Stay right here with me and try not to wake me up just talk about King Kong.”

“Okay, Mommy.  I can watch King Kong by myself.”  He answered.  I stretched out on the sofa, hoping he’d be occupied for a while.

John patted my face.  “Mommy, King Kong is scary.”

”Then turn it to cartoons.”

“But I want to see King Kong.”

”You can turn it off for a minute till the scary is over, then turn it back on.”

He turned King Kong off and on a few times.  “Mommy, I have to potty.”

”You’re a big boy.  Go by yourself..”

He was back from the bathroom in just a minute.  I

I heard King Kong go off a few more times.

He asked me several questions.  Finally, I sat up.  I saw John’s bare butt in front of the television.and a half a dozen poops smushed into the carpet.  “John!  Where are you pants?  Why didn’t you wipe your hiney?  Look at this mess!”

”I couldn’t wipe my hiney.  It had poop.  It was yucky!”

That it was.