Poor Doggy

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My Daily Habits

My habits are humdrum. I take the dogs out early because they demand it, feed and water them as soon as I get in so I won’t get trampled, drink some juice while I dawdle about and sit under my small dog a while. I think his hiney is broken since he doesn’t want to sit on his own. Bud and I visit until I feel compelled to a bit of housework I can’t put off any longer unless I slip out to the yard to play with my flowers. Of course, more dog walks. We usually brunch about eleven.

Interacting with my dogs in their favorite way

My afternoons are free for writing, crocheting or whatever other things I chose. I avoid errands, grouping them on one day. Several times a week I visit Mother or take her out. On those days, I usually check Lowes for plant markdowns, the only shopping I like. Our nearby Lowe’s is the smallest in town. They get the same amount of stock as the bigger Lowes, so their markdowns are great

All written out, my life looks pretty mundane but I love it.

How to Raise Healthy Eaters in 5 Easy Steps

My mother was a child-rearing genius. She taught me her fool-proof plan for raising healthy-eaters, though she never sat down to delineate it for me. She was too busy trying to get dinner on the table. I’ve done that for all of you. You are welcome.

  1. There were five of us kids. Mother’s food budget was minimal. She put the food on the table, believing no child starved with food available. We ate like pigs in slop because should we we tarry, one of the other pigs got it. It would be a long, hungry time till the next meal.
  2. Kids don’t eat what isn’t there. She only bought and served nutritious foods, which we hated, by the way, but not as much as hunger. Our diet was based on vegetables supplemented by a modicum of chicken. Mother checked the markdowns and specials first. Though she bought many dented cans, she inspected them carefully for leakage, swelling, and signs of spoilage. It must have been a great disappointment, but she never managed to poison any of us. I often showed up at the table disgusted again to see beans, peas, greens, corn, rice, potatoes, corn, squash, spinach, tomatoes, and a tidbit or no meat on the table, again. A time or two, I tried turning my nose up at it. Mother’s response killed that. “Fine, maybe there will be a little left for supper. Now start on the dishes while we eat.”
  3. Leftovers were snacks. That meant, you might get a leftover biscuit, piece of cornbread, or flapjack if you beat the other kids off the bus. You had to be pretty hungry to go for flapjack. Mother’s flapjacks were disgusting. Sometimes, if she caught it on special, Mother bought peanut butter and saltines. We burned through those in a day or two. We made quick work Once in a while Mother made popcorn, but that was a family snack to be shared by the whole family while watching “Gunsmoke.” Remember “Gunsmoke?”
  4. Dessert was rare, usually reserved for Sunday’s and holidays. No cake, pie, cookies, lingered long. On rare blessed weeks, she went by the bread store to pick up a box of day-old bread, pies, cakes, hot dog buns, and various and sundry cast offs. One of my fondest memories is finding a lone, moldy Twinkie near the bottom of one of those boxes. I sat on my brother and ate it without chewing. If by some miracle a goody survived the initial family attack, the last piece had to be saved for Daddy. God help the misbegotten fool dared go there.
  5. Finally, she shared her pain when company dropped in for the WHOLE weekend polishing off the carefully stewarded foodstuffs that would have barely let her squeak through till payday, anyway. We needed to know that she would have to kite a check to get some dry beans, flour, shortening, and that a couple of chickens in the barnyard have a date with destiny this week. It stimulated our flagging appetites!

Sometimes, I’d hear Mother’s friends complaining that their kids were picky eaters. Once, just once, I’d have loved to hear her defend us saying we were, too, but, no! Invariably she’d crassly complain, “My kids eat anything I put in front of them!” She had no pride at all.

Jokes About Men

(disclaimer:someone asked for jokes about men)

What should you give a man who has everything?

  A woman to show him how to work it.

  What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?

  Telling you his real name.

  What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

  Put the remote control between his toes.

  What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

  Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

  What’s the smartest thing a man can say?

  “My wife says….”

  Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

  So men can understand them.

  Why did God create man before woman?

  Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating  your masterpiece.

  Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

  To stop the snoring before it starts.

  Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

  To keep them from grazing.

  Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

  Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

  Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

  Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Poverty, the Only Thing Money Can’t Buy

The stories of crippling student loans are mind-boggling.  Is it not possible to get through without so much debt?

When I was going to college in the late sixties and early seventies, I got student loans through the Department of Education.  It was not possible to borrow even enough to pay tuition, room and board, and books. I if private loans were available , fortunately, I didn’t know it. My government loan paid only tuition, initial payment on room and board, and possibly a few books.  I had to earn enough to pay second installment on room and board.  Propitiously, I worked in the university library and learned early on that textbooks could be checked out from the library and renewed all semester, eliminating book fees. Most textbooks sat on that lonely shelf all semester. Even if books were older editions, the changes were minimal, such as rearranging chapters or updating pictures.  It was an excellent plan, cutting my costs tremendously.

Bud and I got married our last year of college.  We arrived with the incredible sum of five hundred eighty dollars to start our senior year.  That was enough to pay his tuition, first month’s rent, get utilities turned on, and stock our meager pantry.  We earned minimum wage, one dollar and twenty-five cents hourly.  Between us, we earned thirteen hundred dollars that year.  We didn’t get married till August, so we had dorm fees the first half of the year.

Our Budget:

Rent.                 $75

Utilities.              20

Groceries.           50

We lived in a small shabby house not far off campus.  There was no air-conditioning, and two gas space heaters, one in the living room and one in the bathroom.  We only used the one in the living room when we were home, closing off the rest of the house off.  The bathroom heater only went on during baths.  There was no telephone, more savings.  We got through that year without buying clothing  except two pair of shoes.  I bought cheap ones the first time and they quickly tore up, necessitating the purchase of a second, quality pair, a poor economy.

Bud had a 1962 Chevrolet truck that got us back and forth on the few visits we made to our families.  A few times, my dad sent us a check for gasoline so we could visit.  We parked the truck when we got back, not moving it again till we left town.  We walked everywhere, class, work, and the grocery store.  We both carried home two bags of groceries on our monthly shopping trip.

I still remember our grocery list,

One pound Community Coffee.               $.89

1 lb ground chuck.                                         .89

Whole chicken approximately.                  1.00

Five lb flour less than.                                   1.00

Pasta 3 lb. less than                                        1.00

5 lbs beans less than.                                      2.00

3 cans tomato sauce.                                       1.00

Two lb meal less than                                       .50

1 lb margarine.                                                    .2 5

Two lb rice less than.                                         1.00

1 dozen eggs.                                                           .29

5 lb grits less than.                                                1.00

1 lb can Crisco less than.                                       .89

Three envelopes dried spaghetti sauce mix.   .99

Toilet tissue less than.                                            1.00

Laundry powder less than.                                   1.00

Toiletries and sundry                                   Negligible

Of course, we occasionally bought salt and pepper.  The whole chicken made three meals.  The first time, I fried four pieces, the second meal was chicken and dumplings, the third chicken noodle soup.  The ground chuck was for a casserole and to be cooked in spaghetti sauce, two meals.We had lots of beans and rice.  Many afternoons we fished.  If we had a good catch, we had fish and fries.  If not, we are grits.  We also had a lot of gravy and biscuits.  Bud’s mother gave us her old wringer washer, so we cranked that devil up when we totally ran out our clothes, so there was no expense for the Laundromat.  I will always remember this as one of the best times of my life   I never felt poor.  All our friends were as poor as we were, so we had community.  Bud always said we had one thing money can’t buy: poverty. The good thing about struggling early on is that from that time on, you know how to budget and set expectations.  We were fortunate.

Kathleen Carries On Part 8 or Their Mama Raised Them Right

Several ago Mother awoke to a terrible crash! Thinking a car had run into her house, she dashed up the hall to find her door lying in the living room floor and two young men dressed in black standing in her living room. “Give me your purse!” The one with the baseball bat growled.

Ever modest, Mother demanded, “Wait, I need my robe. It’s across the foot of my bed. “You’ll have to help me into it. My shoulder’s hurt!” He dutifully fetched it and helped her into it.

Baseball bat guy looked like he wished he’d never started this. “Where’s your wallet?” he tried again.

“In that bag on the buffet” she pointed.

He emptied out a big bag of books. “Nothing but books here.”

“No,the other bag.”

He opened her wallet, pulling out eleven dollars. Clearly disappointed, “”Is this all you got?” She answered, “yeah and I wouldn’t have that if I hadn’t planned to buy gas tomorrow.”

“What about your ATM card?” he demanded.

That made her mad. “No! That’s enough.” With that they turned and left. In a few seconds, one guy returned. “I forgot my bat. Have a nice day!”

“You, too.” She replied automatically. She called 911 and officers got there right away. She called us and we flew over. She gave her report and at the end remarked, “They were very polite. They seemed like they were raised right!”

Yeah, except for one little thing.

Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square – and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is”, she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A blonde driving down the road sees another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a boat. The blonde driver pulls over and rolls down her window. She asks the girl in the boat what she is doing. The blonde in the boat replies, “I’m rowing my boat.” The driver says, “You’re such an idiot! Rowing a boat in the middle of a field?! It’s blondes like you that give us a bad name. If I could swim, I’d go out there and kick you ass right now!”

A blonde and a brunette jump of a cliff at exactly the same time. Which one is first to die?

The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions…

Also as a bonus:
Whats brown and sticky?

Burglar Jokes

A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead

The three cats di the rest.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I’ve translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, 

“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with,

“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy 

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says “This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!”
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says “you’ve seen my face!” and shoots her dead. He then says “has anyone else seen my face?!?”
A man with his head down yells out “I haven’t seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse”.

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes “meow”, “just cats” he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes ” meow” so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says “potatoes”.

Bumps in the Road Part 13

Kathleen was dressed to the nines when Bill got in the next evening. “Let’s go out to supper!” I got paid! His mood was contagious. Kathleen made sure no one else wanted the bathroom, cleaned the tub, and drew him a bath. She laid out his washcloth and soap on the edge of the tub and put his towel and underwear on the toilet seat. Pleased with herself, she told Bill his bath was ready. He was delighted. “Nobody’s ever done for me this way before. You are quite a girl.” Kathleen was so happy to have been a “good wife.”

After he bathed and dressed they walked downstairs together to pay the rent. He turned on the charm for Mrs. Martin “I heard you got worried about the rent. You know I ain’t gonna forget about my best girl.” he teased.

“Oh now! You know better than that. I knew payday was today and you’d catch me up.” The rent went straight in her apron pocket! She cut a look at Kathleen.

Never one for a confrontation, though Kathleen was miffed, she let it go. Not twelve hours ago, the old bat was dunning her. Laughing, Bill hurried her out. An older black truck pulled up as they stepped off the porch. It was Bill’s friend, Bobo and his girlfriend, Lucy. Bobo was as friendly as a speckled pup. Lucy admired Kathleen’s yellow dress.”Ooh! I love your yellow dress! I got one exactly like it ‘cept it’s blue.” Bobo and Lucy were a comical looking couple like Jack Sprat and his wife.

“Bill, maybe you ought’a drive. I already had a couple of nips.” I don’t want to git in no trouble. Bill slid under the steering wheel, Kathleen next to him. Bony Bobo took his place on the passenger’s side. The portly Lucy hoisted herself on his lap, squashing him. A prolonged “oof!” escaped him. Kathleen who only weighed about a hundred pounds, felt sympathy for the poor guy.

“Do you want me to sit on your lap?” she questioned him, meaning trade places with chubby Lucy.

“Oh God no! “ he squeaked crushed under his girl. “Lucy here is already way too heavy all by herself!”

Laughing hysterically, their evening got off to a merry start.