Month: June 2024

Turkey in the Bra

Most nurses have to work half the holidays.  It’s a fact of life.  That means, you’re also working with a lot less help on those days, not always the best situation.  Patients need the same care as any other day. Since Bud and I were both nurses, we just planned our celebrations around the holiday, not a bad idea, anyway, since our many siblings had other family to visit.   One Thanksgiving, I was the only nurse working in the hemodialysis unit, assisted by a technician.  I made sure my patients knew when they were scheduled, so their family could have an uninterrupted visit, hoping not to cut a family visit short.  It’s a bad idea for a patient to eat a heavy meal before a dialysis treatment, so I always encouraged them to have no more than a light snack, to avoid a vomiting episode.  Patients who eat a large meal are very likely to throw up during their treatment.

The patient I had scheduled for one o’clock just couldn’t resist the delectable Thanksgiving Dinner his family had brought from home.  He had turkey, dressing, green beans, and pecan pie.  After a preliminary conversation and pretreatment assessment, I asked if he’d had a snack before coming.  “Oh yeah, I had a little bite of turkey.”

I got his treatment started and all was well for a few minutes, then the truth came out about his hearty lunch, literally.  He started heaving.  The whole menu was presented, dessert first, since it was on top.  Pecan pie is not appealing the second time around.  Turkey and dressing came up next, followed up by green beans.  He filled his own lap and the blanket covering him, with plenty to spare.  As I cleaned him up and got him into a fresh gown, he served up seconds.  This time it was turkey,  green beans with a few bits of egg.  Fortunately for him, I caught most of it in a towel.  The rest splattered me. He felt much better with his stomach empty and went right to sleep.

I always had extra scrubs in my locker for just such an occasion. While the technician watched the patient, I ducked into the staff bathroom.  I peeled the disgusting clothes off, trying to avoid getting the mess on myself.  I scrubbed myself, but didn’t have a fresh bra.  I swabbed the drenched one the best I could with a washcloth, and put on fresh scrubs over my bra.   I knew I smelled sour, but there was nothing else to be done.

We finished his treatment, uneventfully.  Hours later I got home.  The kids told me I stunk.  The dog agreed.  He couldn’t leave me alone, burning to investigate the intriguing aroma. I couldn’t wait to shower. When I peeled off my bra, turkey and green beans tumbled out.  They’d left an imprint.  Bud was repulsed.  The dog was entranced, gobbling them right up.

Kathleen Carries On Part 4 or Locked in a Museum Garden

Kathleen , Surprised

Mother was showing her septuagenarian visitors around town when they made a late afternoon stop at the museum garden. One of her visitors had a bad foot and was on a cane, so she thought a gentle stroll would be just what they needed while they killed time waiting to go to Cracker Barrel, the designated old folks watering hole.

Mother led them from one unique corner in the garden after another. She is an enthusiastic host, if nothing else. Eventually, Cracker Barrel’s siren song wooed them. They made for the tall wrought-iron gates, only to find them locked. They’d overstayed visitor’s hours and were incarcerated.

There was nothing to do but call 911. The ladder truck showed up to hoist the seventy-somethings over the fence. It took some maneuvering but the firemen eventually even liberated the lady with the cane and the bum foot. A good time was had by all! The firemen had a good laugh at their expense. They’d certainly worked up a good appetite by the time they finally got to Cracker Barrel.

Louisiana Blonde Joke

Bible BloneThe couple started discussing pronunciation as they were approaching Natchitoches, Louisiana in their travels.  The wife asked a blonde girl in the restaurant, “Can you tell me the name of this place and please pronounce it slowly for me?  I’m not from around here.

“Sure, it’s Burger King.  Burrr……Gerrr…….King!”

Dreaming

I dreamed about Aunt Ola Bea again last night.

Aunt Ola Bea, the woman holding the baby. I am the messy girl standing next to her.

I dream about her at least once a month, particularly if I am stressed. She was my dad’s youngest sister. We saw his family a lot. He was the fourth of seven fertile children resulting in a mob of forty wild grandchildren for my poor beleaguered Grandma Mettie who most often had to live with one of her children. She greeted us warily but was clearly relieved when we rushed away to play with the cousins. She must have had PTSD from rotating between their parents. Once in a while she’d somehow save up enough to rent a duplex from her friend, Mrs. Reavis, but soon enough someone would have a domestic situation and need her help with rent. Perhaps she’d not be able to make her rent and move back in with one of her kids. Amazingly, they competed for her.

At any rate, the family got together as much as possible on weekends and holidays, as often as not, at Aunt Ola Bea’s, Mawmaw’s youngest daughter and favorite. Aunt Ola Bea was irritable and overworked, likely because she had six children in ten years. Their family always had a baby and a little baby. The baby was usually handed off Sissy, the eldest girl, probably close to four when she was handed her first charge. I remember her balancing a chubby knee baby on her tiny hip who probably weighed nearly as much as she did while Aunt Ola Bea smoked and nursed the squalling, new baby. One time, she was horrified to drop ashes on the bald head of the new baby. I think she quit smoking while nursing after that. Every year or so, a new, new baby came along, and the old new baby became Sissy’s charge and the big baby was promoted to droopy-diapered toddler, to follow Sissy around.

Aunt Ola Bea barked sharply at her kids when they got out of line. Some of the wild ones got a lot of barking. Though she never cut loose on me, I feared I would be reamed out next. Though I steered clear as much as I could, I was delighted if she spoke kindly to me in a quiet moment. I really wanted her to like me. I think that’s why I dream of her in times of stress. I fear the worst and hope for the best.

Mawmaw. I never saw her look this lighthearted

My Son and His Dog Watson

This is my son John and his lap Akita Watson.

Kathleen Carries On Part 3 or The Wedding Crasher

One beautiful June afternoon, Mother found herself at loose ends. A bit miffed that everyone else had plans that didn’t include her she decided to take the high road and visit The American Rose Center. She strolled around for a while, thinking how cute she must look in her floppy garden hat with its silk roses, neat denim shorts and socks dyed to match her shirt.  She thought she must be about the cutest thing  around with no one there to see her.

Happily, she noticed a quaint little chapel with welcoming doors thrown wide open.  Lush roses bloomed on either side of the doors.  “Oh ! They’re having some kind of program.  How nice.”. She took a seat on the left front pew, hoping there would be good music.  After a while, the speaker wandered to the front.  In rapid succession, Well-dressed people started taking their seats.  As proud as she’d been of her outfit earlier, she started to feel a bit underdressed in her shorts and sneakers.  It finally occurred to her when the mother of the bride was escorted down the aisle by an usher.  The lady gave Mother a hard look as she was seated behind the interloper.  Mother scurried toward the back of the chapel as the organist began the Wedding March.  She tried to be invisible in the corner till the bridal party took their places at the altar

Mother said they were the most unfriendly family she’d ever seen!

Johnny

Johnny was my first crush in first grade. I wanted to play with him but he preferred Nona, his neighbor. I couldn’t blame him. She wore cowboy boots, flannel shirts, and brown corduroy pants. Not only that, she could spit through the gap between her front teeth and was the fastest runner in the first grade. She also had beautiful thick-lensed eyeglasses with red plaid frames. I might have had a chance with Johnny if I hadn’t told the teacher he stole my milk nickel. He hadn’t. The teacher made me clean out my desk. There it was plain as day, just under my rough paper tablet.

I never stood a chance after that.

Jokes

The young folks invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled minister,  “Are you sure about that?”

“Sure.  I heard Dad tell Mom. “I guess we might as well have that old goat for dinner today.”

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath – the new husband tells his wife, “Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex.”

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, “According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, “My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night.”

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, “My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it.”

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, “So how is the new husband?”

“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

34     → Joke

 

Bumps in the Road Part 6

Their’s was the typical whirlwind romance. Standing Kathleen up was something Gene never had to worry about again. In the next few days, she met his brothers, Edward and Parnell. She was disappointed to find out the Chevy Coupe belonged to Edward, not Bill . Oh well, a fellow with a car would have been nice. Kathleen knew both brothers had wives back in Louisiana so was surprised to see Parnell with a woman clinging to his arm at a carnival one night. “Isn’t that Parnell?  Who….?” she asked, as Bill steered her away. She’d really liked Parnell. Why would he do such a thing? He spoke lovingly of his wife and girls, so why? It didn’t make sense. 

Bill had had a few beers as they walked around, but was nowhere drunk.  In fact, he was more charming than usual, making Kathleen feel like the luckiest girl in Texas to be on his arm.  They strolled up to a gambling booth where a red-head barker  called out for them to come try their luck at knocking down stacks of bottles with a baseball.  A cute  little pekingese lay curled up on a cushion on the counter.  “Knock down three stacks of bottles and win this puppy for your girl,” the barker called out, reeling Bill in.

“I’m gonna get you that puppy,” said Bill, scooping up three balls.  He hurled them, only knocking the top bottle off each stack.  He went for another round, managing to knock to bottles off the stack a couple of times. 

Kathleen quickly grew disturbed with this game.  The bottom bottles were clearly weighted and weren’t going over. “Come on. This game is rigged. Those bottles aren’t going over.  I don’t want that puppy, anyway.” Bill was determined to win. He kept digging bills out of his pocket and hurling balls at the bottles, a total waste in this crooked game. Kathleen was appalled at the waste  and his stubborn refusal to give it up. Incredibly, he’d lost forty-five dollars and was in a heated argument with the barker by the time Edward strolled up, ready to egg the trouble on. Kathleen quickly surmised, Having grown up tough, Edward  was an aggressive bully who liked nothing better than a fight.

“Get on out of here,” the barker demanded. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“This is a rigged game.  I ain’t leaving till I get my money back.” Bill shouted.  By now, Edward was standing shoulder to shoulder with him, anxious to start punching.  The barker rang a buzzer and two bruisers with nightsticks showed up.  Bill understood the situation and left out of “consideration for Kathleen,” promising to be back after he took her home. 

“You do that!” one of them replied.

He had a couple more beers on the way home, never making it back for his money.

This was a totally new experience for Kathleen, a sheltered young woman of nineteen.  She’d never been around drinking,gambling, cheating, or violence.She didn’t know if she’d wanted to see Bill again.