I’ve never posted a household hint but this might help you. To get rid of ants, scatter cucumber peels about. Ants HATE them. They’ll be gone in no time. I didn’t believe it till I tried it. I know it sounds crazy but it works!
Get rid of ants
Day: July 5, 2024
Scary Words
Scary things I’ve heard coming out of my kids’ mouths:
To a messy neighbor: “My daddy said you need to clean that mess up!”
To my dad: “Climb a weed, Papa!”
Comment as portly lady turns to leave checkout line: “I was good not to call her a great big old fat lady, wasn’t I Mommy?”
To the dentist who encouraged her to floss: My mommy won’t buy me any floss.”
Loud protest when I tried to shush my daughter in a restaurant: “He is so a fat man!”
In a grocery store: “My mommy took my money to buy groceries.”
To the neighbor man: “My mama’s ta tas are bigger than yours.” Go figure.
To a kid who had been hitting him: “My mama said I have to hit you.” Whack! There was a little story behind this.
To a visiting relative: “My mama is tired of you sleeping here.”
To an elderly relative: “You smell like pee.”
To a relative: “My mama hates your mean little dog.”
My young son to his grandma: “Not by the hair on YOUR chinny-chin-chin!”
Worst of all: “My mama said…….”
Most Memorable Vacation
My most memorable vacation was a stay at a lakeside cabin. The entire family slept in the front room opening onto a screened in front porch. It was wonderful to drift off to sleep to the sound of my parent’s voices from the porch with the reflection the bright, full moon cast over the still, dark lake. The spooky, dark cypress trees still people my dreams. In the day, we picnicked, played on the beach and paddled in the cool water. We fished a bit and had a few thrilling boat rides. Once a day, we took our nickels and walked to the little store where I always bought the same thing, a stick of coconut coated candy called a chicken leg. No vacation since has been so perfect.
Best Dog Jokes of the Day
#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”
“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”
“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”
#2 Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S
hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”
#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?
A: Poopsicles
#4 Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
#5 Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”
#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs.
#7 Clever Dachshund
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…
“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
#8 Talking Beagle
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!’
#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put it in your back yard!
#10 Seeing Eye Dogs
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
#11 Bad Dog?
It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.
“It sure is,” the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally
the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”
Jokes
- Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on…
- Q: How are bodybuilders and plumbers alike? A: They both love pumping iron.
- Q: What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on? A: A royal flush is better than a full house.
- A plumber is the only guy I know who can take a leak and fix one too!
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves………?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .
There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn’t latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.
First, the wild rabbit takes the lab rabbit to a field of lettuce and the two munch on lettuce to their hearts’ content.
Wild rabbit then says “Let me take you to an even better field” and heads to a field of carrots where they munch contentedly on all the carrots they want.
Then wild rabbit says “Now let me take you to the best field of all” and takes lab rabbit to a field full of female rabbits. The rabbits enter the field and (you know what they say about rabbits) proceed to have sex all night long.
At dawn the rabbits are exhausted and content and lab rabbit announces “Well, I’m heading back to the lab”
Wild rabbit says “Why??!!? I showed you the field of lettuce, the field of carrots and the field where you can have as much sex as you want!”
Lab rabbit says “Yeah, that was all great, but I’m dying for a cigarette
The Rabbit
A man with a hunting dog lived next door to a woman with a rabbit hutch in her backyard.
One day, he came home to find his dog with the rabbit in its’ mouth, dead. The man was horrified but knew his dog would be sent away if the neighbors thought it was a danger to other pets. So he took the rabbits’ body, cleaned it off and placed it back in the hutch to make it appear as though the animal died of natural causes.
The next week, he saw the neighbors’ husband return home and started up a conversation. “How is everything?”
“Not good” said the neighbor- “My wife’s still in the hospital. She’s suffered a tremendous shock.”
“Oh no,” said the first man- “What happened?”
“Her rabbit passed away” said the husband.
“That’s terrible!” said the man. “I knew she loved him very much. She must’ve been heartbroken!”
“Well,” said the husband “at first I thought she was doing OK. But then a couple days after we buried the rabbit someone dug it back up and put it back in the damn cage!”
It’s been a while
Bud and I have been together for 73 years. This is our first photo together. I am the baby on right in fitst row. He is the little boy behind me. The photographer has us facing the sun, so we are shielding our faces. I remember always being posed facing the sun. Who know the rationale behind that?
Bud’s mother came to help out when I was born. She often said she should have pinched my head off when she had a chance. Live and learn. Our families were friends, so we grew up playing together. He was a nice boy, never mean to girls, so I always liked him.
He first started coming to visit on his own when I was seventeen. Our family was generally confused as to whom he was visiting. My sister and I thought he was interested in her, so I went to my room and read. I was always looking for a chance to read, anyway, since Daddy kept us really busy on the farm. My brother thought Bud was coming to see him.
The matter was further complicated since Bud had bashed his left thumb with a 24 lb. hammer . The doctor pushed the ball of his thumb back in place until it was approximately thumb shaped, stitched it to his nail, and splinted it. One week to the day, while he was still splinted, a sprocket fell on his right foot, breaking it. Consequently, he was effectively disabled on the right and left side, though his job kept him on, probably out of guilt. He didn’t feel much like a suitor during this period.
The next week, he pitched his crutches in the back of his truck on the way to the doctor. They blew out. He retrieved them but one had suffered the loss of a rubber tip, not optimal for a lame guy with no grip due to a smushed thumb. Bud managed to hobble in the doctor’s door before hitting a slick tile. One crutch went one way, one the other. Pulling himself up on receptionist’s desk,he inquired “Is there a doctor in the house?” It must have been horrifying to the staff who were trying to remain professional.
So, he did finally live through the indignities of his injuries. All the while, I got a good bit of reading done while Phyllis and Bill courted him. I suppose I was inadvertently playing hard to get. When he eventually got off the crutches, he asked me out. I don’t know which of the Swain kids was most surprised, me, Phyllis, or Billy.
We got married two years later, while we were still in college.
Nutsrok 