Day: July 14, 2024

Ten Things I Know for Certain

1. The sun came up.

2. Bud is up. I heard breaking glass in bathroom and he came through looking for broom and dustpan.

3. My big dog was hungry. He gobbled every bite of dogfood.

4. We need to pick up branches in the yard. Bud cleared out around trees.

5. It’s going to be hot today. It’s July in Louisiana.

6. We will want to eat today.

7. Bud is going for his banjo. There will be music.

8. My plants want water. Again, it’s July in Louisiana.

9. I will fold laundry. The dryer just beeped.

10. Life at my house is simple but good.

Rabbi, Priest, and Minister

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar. The Priest says “I bet I can go up to the bartender, have a few beers, and get out without paying.” The Rabbi and Minister do not think this is possible, so without further wait the Priest goes up to the bartender, has a few drinks and begins to exit the bar, but the bartender calls out “Sir, you forgot to pay for your drinks” The Priest replies, “No you’re mistaken, I already paid, good night” and walks out.

Then the Minister in disbelief says he’ll give it a go as well. So he does the same, goes up, has a few drinks, and begins to walk out when again the bartender says “Sir you forgot to pay for your drinks”. The Minister then replies, “No you’re mistaken, I already paid, good night” and walks out.

The Rabbi is astounded, but walks outside to see his buddies, he says those were good, but I’ve got one better. He walks up to the bartender, has a few drinks when he begins to walk out the bartender calls to the Rabbi and says “Sir, you forgot to pay for your drinks” the Rabbi replies, “No sir you’re mistaken, I already paid you, now I need the change back for my hundred.”

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister were all in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The Priest says, “I am really thirsty. I’m going to shore to get something to drink.” So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The Minister says, “I am also really thirsty. I’m going to shore and get something to drink.” So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The Rabbi thinks to himself “pretty cool. I will try it.” So he says, “I am also thirsty. I’m going to shore and get something to drink.” He gets out of the boat and falls in the water and drowns.

Then the Minister says to the Priest, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

The Priest says “Nah, It was the only way to get him baptized”

From Uncyclopedia

Jokes

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”

The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted out, “I got his cow!”

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

“I would like a cup of coffee, please,” says the guy.

“And I’d like a can of beer, you ugly pig!” shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. But she is so shaken by the duck’s rudeness that she forgets the guy’s coffee.

When the stewardess comes back and gives the beer to the duck, the guy notices that she has forgotten his coffee. “Excuse me,” he says politely. “I ordered a cup of coffee, but you seem to have forgotten it.”

“Yea, you piece of s\*\*t!” yells the duck. “And bring me another beer, you stupid f\*\*king mule!”

The stewardess walks away, thinking about how the duck is swearing now. Once again, she remembers the beer but forgets the coffee.

When the stewardess comes back, the guy figures that if rudeness and swearing have gotten the duck what he wants, maybe it will also get him what he wants. “Listen, you dumb f\*\*king b\*\*ch”, he says. “Twice I’ve ordered a coffee, and twice you’ve forgotten my coffee. Now bring me my coffee, you fat cow!”

The stewardess loses her patience. She grabs the guy and the duck out of their seats. Then, with one powerful kick, she kicks open the emergency exit and throws the guy and the duck out of the plane.

As they are falling, the duck says to the guy, “You know, you have a pretty big mouth for a guy who can’t fly.”

Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

News

By Stephanie Pappas

 published May 2, 2023

A phallus-shaped iceberg hovered off the coast of Dildo, Newfoundland in Conception Bay before collapsing.null

A penis-shaped iceberg floats in the water with two icy ball-shaped structures at its base.

A penis-shaped iceberg floated by the town of Dildo, Canada, which isn’t too far from the city of Spread Eagle and the town of Placentia. (Image credit: Ken Pretty)

Tough Cat

Ol’ Tom lived back in the good old days and had the run of the farm and only God knows how many wooded acres. Since he was intact, he often took leaves of absence to exercise his tom-catting. Sometimes he’d be gone as much as three months, then show up skinny, battered, and exhausted for some much needed rest and relaxation. With his tattered ears and many scars, he wasn’t handsome but it didn’t seem to effect his social life.

Tom and the dogs ignored each other except at feeding time. Daddy had several dogs and dispensed food in several receptacles to prevent fighting. I don’t mean dishes, I mean old hubcaps, old pots and pans, or bucket lids. Daddy made the dogs stand back till all the dishes were filled, then gave the signal “Ok!” The ravenous dogs fell to eating and never left a scrap.

Tom took command when he was home. Once the “ dog dishes” were filled, he took his pick. The older, wiser dogs stepped back till Ol’ Tom had his fill. A foolish dog might threaten him, once. Tom would calmly reach out and hook the dog’s tender nose, holding the poor animal captive at paw’s length till he ate his fill. At Tom’s convenience, he’d retract the claw and saunter off. It never took a dog but one lesson to respect Tom.