Favorite Board Game

That’s a hard one for me. I have terminal ADD. Most likely, I have to be reminded when it’s my turn. I find conversations much more interesting. Also, I constantly interrupt myself to do something, get snacks, do something for the dog, or recall something I meant to do earlier. The only game I’d ever suggest playing is Scrabble. Word games come closest to holding my interest, since I love language. Should we sit down to a board game, prepare to be disappointed in me. My playing will be so lousy you’ll have to talk about me to your buddies. I’m so bad, I won’t even lose.

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners


I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners


I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄

Best Left to the Experts

Phyllis Blonde
I am sure the hairdressers among you, as well as victims of bad haircuts, can relate to this sad story. This is my sister Phyllis, over at Anchors and Butterflies. Note the beautiful blonde hair. Wouldn’t you just love to have hair like that? Well, many years ago, in a land far away, she was home from college for the weekend, complaining that she needed a haircut, bad. A person could be forgiven for thinking that she meant a bad haircut I was just the one for the job. I got right to work.

Like all jobs skillfully executed, hair cutting looks easy enough. I’d watched it plenty of times and knew just what to do. I wrapped her wet head in a towel and dragged a comb through her hair, despite her fussiness about a mole and her ears. I kind of parted and pinned and got started.

I did pretty well at first, then took a wild whack on one side, getting it really short. When I tried to make the other side match, it looked awful. It was a mess of gashes and ridges. Her scalp shone through in spots. It looked like I’d used rick-rack to cut a pattern. I felt horrible, but started laughing. For some reason, I still thought I could save it, but the laughing gave me away. She jerked the towel away, speeding to the bathroom to look. When I didn’t hear anything, I dared hope she liked it.

“Wah! Boo Hoo Hoo! I’m gonna kill you!” She came flying out of that bathroom gripping her hand mirror and hairbrush headed In my direction.. She chased me around the house three times before Mother got her stopped. Fortunately, I had a good start or I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale.

Mother tried to calm her with some worthless reassurances like, “It doesn’t look that bad.” and her old favorite, “It’ll grow back.” Personally, I’d as soon have my teeth bashed in as be reassured, “It’ll grow back.”

Phyllis left later that day puffy-eyed, wearing a scarf. Mother had scraped up ten dollars for her to get her hair repaired, reassuring her all would be well. Phyllis skipped her classes the next morning, hunting up a “good” hairdresser. He told her he had seen worse haircuts — but couldn’t remember when.

I would like to have included an after picture, but there wasn’t one.

Fishing Jokes

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!

Game warden: Didn’t you see the no-fishing sign, son?
Boy: I’m not fishing, sir. I’m teaching these worms how to swim!

Two guys are fishing and one of them catches a huge 10 pound Walleye. They get the trophy in the boat and the fish looks up and says “If you release me, I’ll grant you a wish”. The first guy says “Great! I wish the whole lake was full of ice cold beer”. The Walleye says “Done!” and they put her back. The second guy says disgustedly “Well you sure messed that up. Now we have to pee in the boat!”

What’s the difference between a (money grubbing outdoor heritage stealing) Minnesota State Legislator and a Bullhead?

One is slimy, has whiskers, and stinks.

The other one is a fish.

Older guy has been rumored to have been using dynamite to catch his fish. DNR are on to him, but need to catch him. One day, the warden spots him heading through the trees to a pond with a rod and tackle box. Warden smiles knowing he is about to catch him.

He follows the guy to the pond and waits, but the guy is just staring at the water. So he decides to confront the older gentleman. 

He introduces himself and says that he knows he’s been using dynamite to fish, and that it’s illegal. The older guy acknowledges that it’s illegal, than says “hold on a second”. He reaches into his tackle box, and lights a stick of dynamite. Turns around and hands it to the warden, and says “Well, are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna fish?!”

Our Awful Friends

Freedom at the Awful’s  Illustration by Kathleen Holdaway Swain

Mother was a cruel beast of a woman who rarely allowed us out of our own yard.  I felt so deprived when free-range children passed our house in pursuit of adventure.  Sometimes we were able to tempt them in with our tire swing, zip line, or huge barn, but invariably greener pastures called and we were left morosely watching them amble off to Donnie’s or Joey’s house.  Sadly, we’d pine as the motley crew and their retinue of dogs disappeared down the dusty road.  It wasn’t that we didn’t have wondrous opportunities on our own place;t we just hated being left behind.

Once we accepted our sad abandonment, we didn’t waste time whining to Mother that “We don’t have anything to do.”  I only made that mistake once and Mother set me to hanging out diapers, dusting, and washing woodwork.  In fact, she was mean enough to assign jobs to break up fights.  It’s terrible growing up with a mother who turns human nature against innocent children.

At any rate, a family neighboring us raised their fortunate children with a complete lack of supervision.  Those kids roamed long after dark, before daylight, dropped in for meals all over the neighborhood, drank out of from the neighbor’s faucets, rode the neighbor’s cows, and generally led a charmed life.  Though their name was Offut, I misunderstood it as Awful.  In her frequent dealings with these children Mother reached the conclusion Awful was an excellent name.  She was particularly offended when we came home from town and found them in the house making Kool-aid.  The Awful’s had little understanding of private property and had often had Kool-aid with us, so of course they felt free to help themselves, even if Mother had been careless enough not to leave it in the refrigerator.  Her attitude baffled our uninvited guests.  I think the syrupy floor and Jerry’s standing on the counter helping himself to a pack of Daddy’s cigarettes off the top shelf also ruffled her feathers, but she was the crabby type, after all.  The loss of cigarettes were of particular concern.  A carton cost two dollars and eighty cents, a significant portion of her fifteen dollar grocery budget.  At any rate, she took an unreasonable stance and forbade them to enter the house again when we were gone.  I don’t think they found it particularly disturbing since a couple more packs of cigarettes went missing before Daddy found a better hiding place for his stash.