Day: July 20, 2024

So So Jokes

  1. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “Uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
  2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  3. Why don’t ants get sick?Because they have little antybodies.
  4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?Aye matey
  5. What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?He got lost at ‘c’.
  6. How do you tell the gender of an ant?Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
  7. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
  8. What do you do if you get the bird flu? Tweetment.
  9. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
  10. Just re-watched Benjamin Button, again. Never gets old.
  11. Why was the scarecrow awarded a Nobel prize?Because he was outstanding in his field.
  12. Hey Europe, you look like you’ve lost some POUNDS.
  13. What do you call Batman and Robin after a steamroller went over them?Flatman and Ribbon.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?Fsssshhhhhh!
  15. Did you hear about that actress that stabbed herself? Reece…Witherspoon?No, it was with her knife!
  16. My friend Phillip had his lip removed last weekNow we just call him Phil
  17. What do you call a lion who is feeling dandy?A Dandelion.
  18. Where do bad rainbows go?Prism, it’s a light sentence.
  19. What do you call a haunted chicken?A poultry-geist
  20. Now matter how much you push the envelope,…… it’ll still be stationery.
  21. A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting “help me please, I’m shrinking” The Doctor calmly said, “now settle down a bit”…..”you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.

My Favorite Comfort Food

My favorite comfort food is biscuits, buttered hot from the oven. Mother made twenty-seven biscuits every morning. I’d wake to the squeal of the oven door and the scraping of the pan just before she called out, “Biscuits are in the oven.” That was our cue to hustle out of bed. The bedrooms were frigid in winter, so we’d jostle for space to dress in front of the kitchen space heater. When I was little, it was solid comfort to slide into clothes Mother had just warmed before the flames. Once dressed, we’d tie into breakfast with that pile of biscuits, the little guys draped in towels.

Ingredients

  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp cream of tartar
  • 3/4 cup COLD butter
  • 1 cup evaporated milk
  • Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
  • The secret to excellent biscuits is COLD BUTTER. Really cold. Many times the biscuit dough gets worked so much that the butter softens before the biscuits even go in the oven. Try cutting the butter into small pieces and stick back in the fridge pulling out only when ready to incorporate into the dough.
  • Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl. 
  • Cut cold butter into flour mixture. Mix will be a bit lumpy.
  • Add in the milk and mix just until the ingredients are combined. The dough will be sticky but don’t keep working it. You should be able to see the butter pieces in the dough.

To roll out, turn mix on to floured surface. Sprinkle with flour and turn two or three times. Cut with biscuit cutter.

To hand roll, dust with flour and roll in flour dusted hand two or three quick turn to smooth a bit.

Brush tops with melted butter and bake 10 to twelve minutes till tops brown. Yields 12 Wrap in damp paper towel to reheat 15 seconds in microwave.

Tiny Dog and Her Big Personality: Rescuing the Unforgettable

I was glad for the garage that sleety morning as I started out for my day shift. At least I wouldn’t have to stand in the cold and scrape ice off my windshield. As I headed cautiously out my slippery drive, I caught sight of a tiny red Chihuahua hopping down the middle of the street in the dark. Knowing how Chihuahuas suffer from the cold , I knew someone’s precious baby must have slipped out. Surely, no one would have intentionally left such a fragile creature out, so I stopped and called out. The grateful dog jumped in my car as soon as I opened the door. She looked like a red Chinese Crested Hairless Chihuahua at first. Shivering, she was chilled to the bone. I called work, letting them know I’d be late and took her back home. Upon inspection, I found her flea collar had slipped to fit bandoleer style, pulling her front leg out of line. Cutting the collar off, I saw chafing under her left front leg. This pitiful beast had been abandoned. Flea-infested and starving, she had horrendous breath, the result of muscle breakdown, After hand-feeding and watering her, I put a heating pad in a small box and wrapped her like a mummy. She buried up head and ears, still shivering and coughing. Bud hadn’t gotten in from his night shift so I left him a note and went to work. I worried about her all day.

I needn’t have concerned myself. When I got home that afternoon, I found her enthroned on Bud’s lap, cozily wrapped in a blanket, her food and water bowls at hand. She was crawling with fleas but Bud was unconcerned. I gave her a warm flea bath, which she welcomed, removed a few ticks, and treated her chafed leg. The next day, we took her to the vet who put her on antibiotics for her cough. She weighed four pounds six ounces.

We nursed her back to health before worming and vaccinating her. Her cough cleared. By the time she’d reached her target weight, her golden coat grew in. She turned out to be a beautiful, honey-coated Pomeranian, the sweetest little dog possible. This little rescue was so grateful for her home. Her personality blossomed. She got bossy, trying to get us to go to bed at eight every night. Ruling the roost over our bigger dogs, she pushed them out of their beds and confiscated their toys at will. She particularly loved Bud, who’d wrapped her in a blanket and cuddled her all day, her first day home.

If you are thinking of getting a dog, consider a rescue. They are likely to already be house trained. They are definitely grateful for their home. No one need buy a dog when there are so many rescues waiting. Even if you have your heart set on a particular breed, you can usually find one. People often buy purebred dogs thoughtlessly, then turn them in to shelters.

Maxine’s Hot

Quirky Kids Birthday Party: Our Awful Friends Part 2

I had only been out of the bathtub about 10 minutes when this picture was made.  After that birthday party, this dress was never the same.  I never saw that little purse again.I first became aware of the Awfuls on the occasion of Jamey Awful’s fifth birthday.  It’s significant that my first experience was quirky, setting the standard from that day forward . I was probably about four and totally ignorant of what birthday parties entailed.  I only knew that Mother ruined a perfectly good day by calling me away from my sand pile to take a bath in the middle of the day, an unheard of event.  I was disturbed especially since she insisted on washing the sand out of my hair.  I’d just spent a good portion of the morning pouring sand on the top of my head, enjoying its powdery coolness showering down on my shoulders and the back of my sundress and saw no reason for her outraged reaction.  “I told you not to get dirty.  We have to go somewhere today.”

As far as I was concerned, sand was clean.  Mud was dirty.  Axle grease was dirty.  Chicken poop on my shoe was dirty.  Sand was white and dusted right off.  It was not dirty.  At any rate, Mother filled the tub with water and sprinkled in Tide Powder and plunged me in.  That was what passed for bubble bath at our house.  I would have been content to spend the afternoon there, but she washed my hair and hurried me out, ruining another good time.  Then she brushed my stick straight hair and stuffed me in a fluffy petticoat, a white fluffy dress with red and blue polka-dots, white socks, and sandals.  Worse yet, I had to submit to a photo session.  Mother was a novice with a camera making me pose forever, staring into the sun.  She’d gone to a great deal of fuss making matching dresses for me and Phyllis for Easter and was extremely proud of the effect.  Too bad the confection was wasted on me.  When she’d said Easter outfit, I’d envisioned a cowboy getup.

Then she walked us over to the Awful’s house.  I doubt Mother knew Mrs. Awful, since we’d never been to her house for coffee, even though they only lived a couple of houses over.  I guess the poor woman was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find enough kids for a party, since I was a year younger and Phyllis was a couple of years older and neither had ever laid eyes on Jamey. 

Mrs. Awful met us at the back gate.  There were a dozen or so kids running round in the yard, so once Mother made Mrs. Awful’s acquaintance, she headed home, promising to be back for us in a couple of hours.  She couldn’t have anticipated the goings on at this quirky party. Mrs. Awful ushered us in the back gate and the fun began.  I was in Heaven!