I live life simply: a cotton-dress with pockets is a must. My days are spent puttering around the yard with my dogs with my red wagon and shovel at the ready. I have no patience with shopping, society, or Facebook. It matters not about your house, income, or status. I enjoy time with a few good friends and family.
An american, a russian, and an italian. The guards come for the american, bind his hands and drag him off. The other 2 hear his screams for sn hour, then nothing. In another hour the guards drag him back in, cut his bonds and dump him on a bunk. “All my training was for nothing, i told them everything.”
They take the russian bind his ha ds and drag him out. And for 4 hours the others hear screaming, then nothing. In Another hour, the guards drag the russian back in, cut him loose crying. I yhought after a life in rusdia i had suffered the worst but it was nothing compared to what they did. I told them everything.
The guards then took the italian, bound him, and dragged him out. All day, and all night the others listen to his screams. After what seemed like forever the guards dragged the italian back in, cut him loose and dump him.
The russian says”you must be the toughest man on earth!”
The american says “how did you not break?”
The italian says, “i wanted to, i tried to tell them everything. But they wouldn’t untie my hands!!!
Wish I Was Rich
A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?” I answered, “I wish I was rich!” Then the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”
Grandma Jones…
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress – especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.
“What’s that?” she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.
“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”
“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.
“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.
“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”
Church Cake!
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
Uncle Dunc and Aunt Lucille had a houseful of kids.Sometimes we were lucky enough that Bert, the eldest would drop in our games, raising our rough play to fever pitch.Naturally, he tired of us soon, leaving us deflated when he went about the business.I was always leery of the two big girls, since they seemed smart-aleck.Ava, the oldest, was pretty with a bouncy, blonde ponytail.Though I overheard Mother whispering she was trashy for mowing in her swimsuit out by the road, I thought it made perfect sense and worked well for her since she married a guy with a greasy ducktail and had a baby before her seventeenth birthday.I kept a watch on both girls to see if they sprouted leg hair like Aunt Lucille.
I believe Ava saw herself like this.
Prudy, the next girl was skinny with a lot of pimples and wore those pointy bras common to the late fifties and early sixties.Her swimsuit kind of wrinkled over her skinny behind so she didn’t mow out by the street.In fact, she worked as a carhop down at the drive-in for a while after dropping out of high school before hooking Toxie, who worked at the filling station and always smelled like oil.Red rags always hung out of his back pocket.I never had any contact with Toxie except when he yelled at me from under the hood of an old car suspended from a tree branch in Uncle Dunc’s front yard when I hit a ball into it.I never really liked him much after that.
Carolyn was just a couple of years ahead of me, but must have been easier to control than her big sisters.Her long hair, parted down the middle was braided so tightly it pulled her eyes back and hung in tight, thin braids almost to her waist.The other girls must have rebelled against their mother in their dress and behavior, but at ten or so, mousy little Carolyn suffered under Aunt Lucille’s bossiness, since she only wore dresses and had to attend fundamentalist church services along with her mother and younger twin brothers.They were wild little boys a couple of years younger than I, still peed their pants a good bit, and didn’t seem worried by Aunt Lucille at all.Carolyn said she wouldn’t be allowed to have boyfriends, drop out of school, or cut her hair till she was sixteen.I was only six or seven at the time, but that seemed very unfair to me.
I made a point to stay out of Aunt Lucille’s way since she yelled at kids a lot and was fond of using a switch on Carolyn and the little boys when she could catch them.I certainly never asked to spend the night like I did at Cousin Sue’s and Cousin Cathy’s house.We only visited Uncle Dunc for a year or so, until he moved off Aunt Ader’s Place, which incidentally was very near Daddy’s favorite brother.I heard later he gave up drinking after a car-wreck left him paralyzed and he had no one to depend on but Aunt Lucille.
Aunt Lucille adapted well to Uncle Dunc’s disability. Before long she was hauling him regularly to gospel meetings along with beleaguered Carolyn and the recalcitrant twins. I heard he even got sanctified and was no longer Dunc the Drunk.
I believe Ava saw herself like this.
Nutsrok 