Month: July 2024

Dinner Guest

If I could choose any guest, I’d invite Mark Twain. I love his writing above all others. It seems he’s speaking directly to me. He was so knowledgeable about human nature and put such a fascinating spin on his commentaries. I remember so many of his quotations. My favorite was Huck Finn’s struggle with his conscience about turning Jim, the runaway slave in.

“I’d got to decide, forever betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: ‘Alright, then, I’ll just go to hell’” (Twain 223).

Porch Party

Several years ago while visiting with my daughter,I bonded with her appealing cat. Thinking he’d enjoy a treat, when next I was out and about, I brought home and potted a lush catnip plant. Upon learning he’d already had catnip and vomited profusely. I had to reclaim my gift. I put it on the front porch, out of his “inside cat” territory. My room was adjacent to the front porch. About midnight, I heard an uproar. It sounded like a convention of Shriners. The neighborhood cats were partying. When I got up the next morning, all that remained was a shattered pot, soil, and shreds of catnip from one end of the porch to the other.

It might take several tries to start video

Charley’s Tale Part 8

Charley had complained of vague abdominal pain for about three days before she awoke to excruciating right-sided belly  pain on her sixteenth birthday.  She refused to allow Charles examine her, so he asked a surgical colleague to see her.  Dr. Farmer did a quick exam of her belly and felt Charles’s diagnosis was spot on.  Scheduling his daughter for immediate surgery, Charles was concerned, but not unduly alarmed as he waited.  He expected to see her back in recovery in about an hour.  The surgeon looked grave when he sought Charles right after takng her into surgery.

“Is she okay?  Had the appendix ruptured?”  he asked.

“She’s fine but it’s not her appendix.   I haven’t started surgery yet,  but there’s something we need to talk about.  Let’s go to a private area.”  They moved into Charley’s assigned room.  Sit down, Charles.  It wasn’t appendicitis.    I saw  no reason to do a pelvic exam prior to surgery, but when Charley was moved to the table, some  abnormalities were noted. Charley has ambiguous genitalia, some male, some female.  She has a fully developed vagina with a very large clitoris or a small penis.  When erect, it might be three and a half inches. Her right labia has a partially descended testicle which is likely incarcerated. I have manually rotated it and returned the blood flow for the present, but it is likely the cord will twist again.  That is the cause of her pain and must be explored.  There is no obvious testicle on the left, but there could be one that hasn’t descended.  We need to let her wake up and  inform her before going ahead with surgery in this life-altering situation.”

“Dear God, that’s why she was so secretive.  She doesn’t know, but at birth, she had what I thought was an abnormally large clitoris and I removed it, thinking that would take care of the problem.  She looked like a perfect female in every other way.  What have I done to my child?”  Charles cried out his grief.

Dr. Farmer tried to comfort him.  “I might have done the same thing.  How could you know it would turn out this way?  That fact is, Charley needs to know the situation.  The penile tissue that’s left is healthy, just shorter.  She may choose to live as a man.  She should be awake in a few minutes  and we can talk to her.”

“Oh my God.  This will be the hardest talk I’ve ever had.”

Ok Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”

funny jokes for the office 

  1. What’s the best thing about teamwork?Someone else to blame. 
  2. What kind of award does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque. 
  3. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.  
  4. Why do I drink coffee? I like to do stupid things faster and with more energy. 
  5. What’s it called when you steal somebody’s coffee? A mugging. 
  6. What does a baby computer call his father?Data 
  7. What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Start off with a big fortune. 
  8. Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus. 
  9. How do you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? If he looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.  
  10. What does a gossiping coffee do? Spill the beans. 
  11. You know what can really ruin a Friday?Remembering it’s Thursday. 
  12. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga like in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw. 
  13. Why can you never trust spiders? Because they post stuff on the web. 
  14. What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer? The space bar. 
  15. How does a coffee snob take their coffee?Seriously. Very seriously.  
  16. How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware issue. 
  17. Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.  
  18. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 
  19. What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you. 
  20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. 

Consequences

A straightforward, impressive woman, Eva was a CPA working for a prestigious business firm in Washington DC. Her husband Charles was a CPA for the federal government. Together, they had built an enviable life including a beautiful home in the suburbs with five children. A nanny/housekeeper cared for their home and children.

Things went well for about fifteen years until an audit revealed that Eva had been doing a bit creative bookkeeping. When it all unraveled, Eva was given the choice of prosecution or repayment. As you would expect from someone who was embezzling, Eva and Charles had no cash reserves.

They sold their house. Charles borrowed from his retirement and both cashed in their whole life insurance. By hook or crook, Eva was able to repay what she’d stolen and avoid prison. Of course, she lost her CPA credentials. Charles’s job was unaffected.

They took the last of their meager funds and bought a tent which they pitched in a national park. Along with their children, they crowded into the tent with their business clothes. Eva got another job in business, though not as a CPA.

Every morning, the family dressed in the bath house at the park and headed off to work and school. The kids caught the bus at the park entrance. They lived this way for six months until they managed to save up for an apartment. They had to move their tent every two weeks to meet park requirements. The kids rather liked the perpetual camping though Eva and Charles were heartily glad to get a roof over their heads again.

Despite their setbacks, the couple managed to stay together till most of their children were grown, eventually divorcing for some other reason. When I knew Eva, she was in her sixties and my children’s summer caregiver. I was thoroughly surprised when she told me this story and often wondered how her story played out afterwards.

Charley’s Tale Part 7

Charles was worried about Charley.  Her fifteenth summer, she topped six feet.  Though,  muscular, just like him and his sons, she was full-busted like her mother.  As he sat across her from dinner one evening, he noticed a fine blonde mushtache beginning to show.  Her voice was also deepening to tenor.  Not the only one to notice, the kids at school had started calling her girly-man.

Of course Charley was confused, having no frame of reference for the changes.  Fortunately, she enjoyed a warm friendship with Marzell who often stayed over at the Evan’s house, though she never invited Charley to visit her home.  Marzell clearly enjoyed time with the whole family.  “I can’t stand my stepfather. He just looks at me weird.  Mama married him six months after Daddy died.  He gives me the creeps.  I try to leave Mama alone with her new family as much as I can.  If I around, I have to help with Little Melvin, anyway.  Isn’t that a stupid name?  Melvin doesn’t fit a baby, does it?  I can’t wait till I graduate so I can move back to Dallas with Grandma where all my friends and cousins are.  I don’ know why Mama had to marry Old Melvin.  We were doing fine at Grandma’s.”

Marzell was a petite, very feminine girl, a marked contrast to Charley.  She was pursued by Roger, the grease monkey who worked at her stepfather’s filling station.  Though she flirted with him a bit, she refused to go out with him.  His sullen eyes followed her around whenever she had to go to the station.  Over fried chicken that Sunday,  Charley teased her about her sweetheart.  “You ought to marry Roger.  Y’all could raise a tree full of little grease monkeys.”

“I wouldn’t have him on a birthday cake!  You take him.” She snapped back. “I ain’t never gonna marry!”

“Ha!  You say that now!”  Charley laughed.

“I mean it!  I ain’t ever gonna marry.”

“I ain’t never gonna marry, either. I hate boys!” Charley snorted.

Hearing this exchange over dinner that day, Charles felt a little more  unsettled and hoped it was no more than teasing.

Lighthearted Moment

This is my paternal grandmother, Mettie Martha Knight Swain. I never knew her to look this lighthearted. With forty-one grandchildren, she probably had PTSD from bad kids since she usually lived with her fertile daughters.

Understanding

Daily writing prompt
What do you think gets better with age?
View all responses

Understanding gets better with age. I don’t expect an immediate response to problems as I did when I was younger. I also accept that some situations may not resolve so I accommodate them and move on. I understand disappointment is not the end of the world. I have learned to keep my expectations manageable.

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners

I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄