Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
NUMBER THREE:
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, “what’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said, “Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.”
The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, “don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.”
NUMBER FIVE:
Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I think I’m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.
NUMBER SIX:
Q: What do you call a scary chicken?
A: A poultrygeist.
NUMBER SEVEN:
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
We went places and saw people that normal people never encountered. I think he just need a “trash fix” from time to time. He’d heard of somebody who lived back in the woods about four miles off Tobacco Road who had something he might be interested in buying. He had to check it out, driving forever down muddy roads that looked like they might peter off into nothing. Finally we got back to Mr. Tucker’s shack. The old man was wearing unbuttoned overalls and nothing else. While Daddy and Mr. Tucker disappeared into the tangle of weeds and mess of old cars, car tires, trash, dead washing machines and other refuse behind the house, Mother and the kids sat in the car. It was hot. Daddy was gone. It got hotter. Daddy was still gone. We opened the car doors, hoping to catch a breeze. It got hotter and hotter. The baby was squalling. Mrs. Tucker, a big woman in overalls came out in the front yard and started a fire, never even looking our way, probably thinking our car was just another junk car in the yard. As the sun blazed overhead, we begged Mother to ask Mrs. Tucker for a drink of water. Somewhere in the wilderness, Daddy was still admiring Mr. Tucker’s junk collection. He could talk for hours, unconcerned that his family was waiting in misery. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know the people he had imposed himself on. We spent many a miserable hour waiting in the car while he “talked,” usually on the way to visit some of his relatives.
Finally, in desperation, Mother got out of the car, introduced herself to Mrs. Tucker, and asked if we could have a drink of water. Turning without speaking, she disappeared into the house, returning with some cloudy snuff glasses. Calling us over to the well, she drew a bucket of water, and let us drink till we were satisfied. That was the best water I ever had. Mrs. Tucker pulled a couple of chairs under a shade tree and Mother sat down. We all sat down in the dirt in the cool of the shade and played. Daddy was still gone but things looked a lot better after we cooled off and had a drink. Mrs. Tucker was interesting to look at, but didn’t have a lot to say. She had a couple of teeth missing, greasy red hair in a bowl cut, and long scratches down both arms.
Mother tried to converse, but Mrs. Tucker didn’t have a lot to say. I couldn’t take my eyes off the missing teeth and long scratches down her arm. I started talking to her. She didn’t have any kids. It didn’t take long to figure out she “wasn’t right.” I was fascinated and wanted to ask about what happened to the teeth, but knew what that would get me, so I asked instead about her scratched arms. Mother hushed me up but that topic inspired Mrs. Tucker. It seem, she was going to put a rooster in the big pot in the front yard to scald before plucking. He scratched her and escaped before she could get the lid on. Apparently she didn’t know she was supposed to kill him first. Just at the point where things were getting interesting, Daddy came back and I didn’t get to hear the rest of the story.
Mrs. Tucker sent us home with a turkey that day, teaching me a valuable lesson. Don’t ever accept the gift of a turkey. Ol’ Tom was to be the guest of honor at our Thanksgiving Dinner. Daddy put him in the chicken yard and Tom took over, whipping the roosters, terrorizing the hens, and jumping on any kid sent to feed poultry. We hated him. Mother brandished a stick to threaten him when she had to visit to the chicken yard. He even flew over the fence and chased us as we played in the back yard till Daddy clipped his wings.
Before too long, we saw the Nickerson kids, the meanest kids in the neighborhood, headed for the chicken yard. Mother couldn’t wait to see Tom get them. Sure enough, Ol’ Devil Tom jumped out from behind a shed on jumped on the biggest boy, Clarence. Clarence yelped and ran at Ol’ Tom, his mean brothers close on his heels, flogging Ol’ Tom mercilessly. Unlike us, they didn’t run out with their tails tucked between their legs. They launched an all-out attack on Tom, beating him with their jackets, sticks, and whatever they could grab. They chased him till they tired of the game. Tom never chased any of us again, but Mother never got around to thanking the Nickersons.
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Job interview:
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss. The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?” The man says, “I’m probably too honest.” The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.” The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two.
Question: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? Answer: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
Bud has four sisters. For some reason, they are all crazy about him, though he teased them mercilessly. His favorite thing was to get all four and his poor mother laughing, knowing they’d all be about to pee their pants. Out of respect, Mom got first chance at the potty and all four girls would be lined up on the side of the bathtub. That’s when he knew he’d scored!
Robby Bobby’s school career didn’t really start well. Sharing the same first grade class as his older brother Frank who was giving first grade a second try, he didn’t really get the big picture. He left his seat and headed for the playground when class got dull. Since Frank knew his way around, he grabbed Robby Bobby, dragging him back to his desk. Robby Bobby piled into him and the fight was on. The teacher untangled them, sending them both back to their seats. Shortly thereafter, Miss Burns surveyed the class, going down the line. “Do you know your alphabet? Can you count to ten?” When she quizzed Robby Bobby, he was clearly disgusted. “Robby Bobby, do you know your numbers and letters?”
“Hell no!! I just got here!” he spouted, earning a paddling on the first day of school. News of the paddling beat Robby Bobby home. At that time, a paddling at school was usually followed up by a “whooping” at home to reinforce the point, adding injury to insult. Robby Bobby dreaded seeing his daddy come home. His mama made sure he knew what was coming. Mr. Peters didn’t say a word about school, leading Robby Bobby to hope Daddy hadn’t heard, but he kept quiet at supper. After supper, his daddy took him by the hand leading him to the woodshed, the whooping place. As they walked toward it in the dark, Robby Bobby trembled in fear of what was coming. Daddy asked in his low voice, ”What’s the matter with you, boy?”
“I’m skeert.”
“Ain’t no need to be skeert, boy. I’m right here with you.” Somehow, Robby Bobby didn’t feel much better.
Robby Bobby never really took to school. Following the family tradition, he was held back a couple of times. He roamed the playground, looking for a lone kid to bully. He’d sock them a couple of times, shove them in the mud, or snatch their pants down, whichever seemed best. Joe Brown was one the smaller boys in our class, but had the advantage of having a couple of mean older brothers. He looked like a perfect target. When Robby Bobby caught Joe apart from the rest of the kids one Tuesday morning, Joe’s time had come. Robby Bobby sneaked up, snatched Joe’s cap, and punched him smartly in the kidneys. Joe didn’t know how the game was played. Instead of running off bawling, he turned and beat the phooey out of Robby Bobby. Mr. White, the principal strolled by just in time to see the whole thing. Fighting was wrong. He dragged both boys back to the classroom so we could all get the benefit of the lecture. He droned on and on before getting to the good part…….the paddling. Joe got two lackluster swats for fighting. There was no way around that. Then Joe had to answer the question, ”What did you learn today about fighting?”
Joe shuffled around and gave the stock answer. “No fighting in school, no excuses.” Joe headed for his seat so Robby Bobby could take his turn.
Mr. White gave Robby Bobby five hard swats that echoed nicely off his bony behind, pleasing the self-righteous class since most of us had suffered at his hands. We all knew Robby Bobby was in the wrong. He also had to answer the question, “What did you learn today about fighting?”
Robby Bobby looked thoughtfully from Joe Brown to Mr. White and back before replying, “Don’t pick on Joe Brown. He’s a mean little son of a bitch.”
“Age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long.
Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city.
His family knew him only as a kind and mild-mannered Art Director, a designer of websites and t-shirts and concert posters who always had the right cardigan and the right thing to say (even if it was wildly inappropriate).
Aaron was known for his long, entertaining stories, which he loved to repeat often.
In high school, he was in the band ‘The Asparagus Children’, which reached critical acclaim in the northern suburbs.
As an adult, he graduated from the College of Visual Arts (which also died an untimely death recently) and worked in several agencies around Minneapolis, settling in as an Interactive Associate Creative Director at Colle + McVoy.
Aaron was a comic book aficionado, a pop-culture encyclopedia and always the most fun person at any party.
He is survived by his parents, Bill and Kim Kuhlmeyer, father Mark Purmort (Patricia, Autumn, Aly), sisters Erika and Nicole, first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father’s untimely death.”
Nutsrok 