Month: July 2024

Bear Jokes

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One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?

Bear: I get them from my dad.

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”


So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”  
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”

The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.”  he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run.  If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or 
until it catches you, whichever comes first.”  his friend concluded.

The man noted this and they got to the cabin they  had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep.  When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside.  They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.

The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,

“Hunting!  Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”Got an amusing bear joke or story?  Would love to hear you tell the tale!  

An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.

As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!

The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful, my brother-in-law’s inside him!”

The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.

The American falls to his knees, looking at the Canadian and asking “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”

The ranger scoffs and says “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”

Annie’s Fish Hookectomy

We have a nice little wet-weather creek that runs along our property line, cutting through the middle of the wooded lot next door.  My kids played in the creek and in the woods all the time.  They were a few years older than Greg, our neighbor’s boy, so by the time he played there, he had Annie, our Dalmatian and other kids from the neighborhood with him. Sometimes, I think Greg was the only person Annie really liked. Greg got in from school and made his way straight to the pantry, just like always.  He filled up, chatted a while, and took Annie out to play. Before long, he and Annie were back.  “How do you get a fish hook out of a dog’s mouth?” I thought it was it was the lead in to a joke.  “”I don’t know.  How?” “I don’t know. But I was crawfishing with a piece of bacon for bait on my line and somehow, Annie jumped and swallowed the hook, bacon, and all. I just can’t imagine how it happened!” I could.  Annie pranced right behind Greg, proud of the long string hanging from her mouth.  Tentatively, I pulled it.  It was stuck.  Off to the vet.  As you can see from the xray above, the fish hook was imbedded in her stomach.  It had to be surgically removed, along with about five hundred dollars from my wallet.  Annie moped around for three or four days, with nothing to do but brag about her surgery.  Greg made himself scarce, not even checking on her.

Cats or Dogs?

Both cats and dogs are a delight. Sometimes, I’ve had both. My pets have always been friends. At one time I had a dog, cat, and rat who played happily together. They’d all sleep in a happy pile. Right now, I only have dogs. I’ve thought of getting a cat but I feed the birds. If I got a cat and allowed it outside, I’d be luring them to their death.

Izzy

Izzy is our little rescue dog. He looks for all the world like an American Eskimo Dog, but weighs less than ten pounds, so I suspect there’s some Pomeranian in there as well. Like a Pom, he hates getting his feet wet. He’d strayed up a home on my niece’s mail delivery route. The homeowner was kindly fostering him but hunting a home. We’d recently lost our darling dog, so we ended up with him.

He’s adorable, so sweet and loving but has one quirk. He’s a runaway. I suspect that’s how we ended up with him. Given the slightest chance, he flees. He likes for us to follow him till he gets his run out, staying a couple of hundred yards ahead. When he’s journeyed far enough, he welcomes a ride home.

He’s a great lap-sitter and kisser. He’s fascinated with my glasses. One evening I took them off, laying them on my table. In a flash, he’d grabbed them, prepared to munch them up. Fortunately, I caught him in time. A few nights later, I knocked them off my nightstand. They bounced under my bed. I left them, thinking I’d retrieve in the morning when they were nowhere to be found. Then I discovered them where he’d hidden them in the bed, the earpieces chewed to a fare-thee-well. My new ones should be in Wednesday.

Grandpa Was a Dancing Fool

When my Grandpa Roscoe and his brothers were young, they never missed the rare opportunity to attend a dance or church social, no matter how hard they’d been working on the farm. They’d work like mad all week to get through in time to ride out to any barn-dance,corn-husking, or hoe-down set for Saturday night.  One fine evening, his brother George was laid up with a broken leg, so Grandpa slipped off in George’s brand new boots, reckoning he’d cut a much finer figure in them than in his old brogans.   After all,  there was no reason the boots should miss all the fun.  The rest of the boys piled in the wagon, riding off into the night, bound for a rollicking good time. This left the sorrowful George at home with Ma, Pa, and the young’uns.


Roscoe danced every dance, not leaving out a girl between eight and eighty, who’d allow herself to be jollied around the floor. His good time was reinforced by the jug he and his brothers had thoughtfully hidden beneath the hay in their wagon. After all, the horses knew the way home and they didn’t have to work tomorrow.  George’s boots were feeling tight, but so was he, so he wasn’t in too much pain right then.  It was two-thirty before they left, long after the last ear of corn was husked, the last girl rounded up by her pa, and the last note of banjo and fiddle music drifted to the rafters.  The boys piled into the wagon, gave the horses their head and slept their way home.

By the time they got the horses settled in and were headed for their own beds, Roscoe’s toe, freed of the agonizing tight boot, was screaming its complaints. Likely, his decision-making wasn’t the best that night, but he got out his pocket-knife and whittled his in-grown toenail, making the problem exponentially worse. He wrapped the agonized toe in a rag soaked in high-alcohol liniment Ma had bought from a traveling snake-oil peddler the week before. Then he propped his foot on a chairback high above his head, and lay on the hearth, before the fire to soothe its throbbing.  Finally comfortable, he nodded off.

Aware of the smell of smoke, and fearing he had died and gone to his reward for dancing and drinking, he awoke to find a spark from the fireplace had ignited the rag on his toe.   Dancing a wild jig, he struggled to rip the flaming bandage from his torch of a toe. Never mind about music or a partner!

Family/Relationship Jokes

A woman awoke excitedly on her birthday and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday! What do you think it means?” 

With certainty in his voice, the man said “You’ll know tonight.”

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. 

With anxious anticipation, the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

_______

An old crippled man was just about as close to death as possible. His family of five–a beautiful wife and four children–stood around his deathbed awaiting the inevitable. Three of the children were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the fourth and youngest was no doubt the ugly runt of the family.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispered, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–“

The wife gently interrupted him, and said, “Yes, my dearest, absolutely … no question … I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then died, happy that he had finally asked the question that had bothered him for so many years.

After the passing of the beloved husband, the wife sighed under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
_______

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “”Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”

The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then said, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.

_______

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name–leave it to me.”

Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”

_______

One day, after a long time in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?”, The Lord replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent, she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice

“Sounds great.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”

_______

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

_______

A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday came and went, and he didn’t see his wife. 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

_______

 A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.

 “Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your checking account is

 overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”

 “Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of control.”

 “Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” asked the

 banker.

 “Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue with you than

 with her.”

_______

A well-known couple in the community had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. One day the husband was asked by a business acquaintance to what he attributed this remarkable success.

“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?” asked the business acquaintance.

The man replied, “I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

_______

_______

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

The children all stared back at him in silence.

Then he asked, “Who never talks back to mother?”

Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.

Then Tom asked, “Who does everything she says?”

With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

_______

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

 She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen.”

 “Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?”

 The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”

Yard Work Now and Then

When I was a kid, I never dreamed I’d enjoy yard work. It was a punishment then, literally, usually precipitated by Daddy’s anger. We’d get the bad news the day before. “When I get home from work tomorrow, there better not be a leaf down anywhere in this yard.” Daddy would proclaim. “I don’t want to hear any excuses.” My mood plummeted.

Daddy woke us before he left for work the next morning with a variable mood, either falsely cheerful or still angry from whatever precipitated the sentence of yard work. Yard cleaning meant raking leaves, picking up branches, and hauling the detritus to a burning area. We owned one good yard broom, one snaggletoothed yard broom , one rake, and a wheelbarrow.

We started out by fighting over the yard broom, the easiest and most efficient tool. Nobody wanted the snaggletoothed yard broom or rake. The worst job was hauling the leaves to the burn pile. None of us wanted that job, leading to another round of fighting. The shouts and insults usually brought Mother out to intervene before blood was drawn. That was one rule universally acknowledged. Never injure a sibling to the point of necessitating medical care.

Mother would threaten enough to get us properly started. She assumed a supervisory role and reminded us of our mission and consequences should we fail. In desperation and misery, we’d settle down to our task. After an interminable day of yard work interspersed with fighting, we’d finally finish the hated task. Should we not be able to finish for some reason, Mother would vouch for us, explaining to Daddy why we couldn’t finish. Maybe one of us ran a high fever and broke out with measles or perhaps Aunt Esther and Mawmaw stopped by asking Mother to let us play with our cousins while they visited. Mawmaw was familiar with the work/punishment principle from her marriage and interceded when she could. I admire her for that. It does a kid good to know someone’s on their side even if it doesn’t change their life much.

Failing that, there was no quarter for lazy kids. Punishment was swift and sure with whippings all around and an extra measure of work the next day.

Yard Cartoons

Outdoor Work Makes Me Lose Track of Time

I love being outdoors. Nothing makes me happier than attacking my flower beds in the spring. It feels so good to pull last year’s dried stems and dropping the seeds down for reseeding. I scratch the ground a little and Voila! I’m on the way to new blooms. The freshly tilled ground is like an artist’s slate, ready for color. The new plants sit waiting to move into their new homes. It’s exhilaratingly to plot the patterns. I love coming home from the garden center with a truck full of plants. I feel like a miserable counting his gold, although the exact opposite is true. Had I been rich before, that bevy of plants had changed that!

This is not my yard.