Mother gets pretty hot about a few things. One of these is problems with mail delivery. One day, she got to her mailbox to find her mail tattered,torn, and lying on the ground. Worst of all, a government check had been ripped. Somebody was going to pay for this crime! Rabid with rage, she cornered a couple of kids who gladly gave up the perpetrator to save their own sorry hides. They’d seen a little blonde-haired girl with pig-tails standing on her pink tricycle rifling through Mother’s box. Mother gave the little snitches a five dollar reward after they located the child’s tricycle parked in front of a house two streets over.
Armed with this information, Mother called the Sheriff’s Department to report the heinous crime. Regaling him every shocking detail, the criminal’s description, description of the getaway vehicle, and last known address. The deputy laughed, asking if she’d had the check back.
“Yes, but that’s not the point. I want this stopped! Tampering with the mail is a Federal Crime!”
“Lady, what do you want me to do, put out an APB on a little three-year-old girl on a pink tricycle?
My great-Uncle Albert’s barn raised the bar for what a barn should be. A rambling, splotched caterpillar, it sprawled behind his rustic house. It was an amalgamation of scavenged lumber of various vintages. Over many years, he’d added on as the need arose and opportunity allowed Of an age to have experienced The Great Depression in its entirety, he understood waste not, want not. His house and outbuildings were built largely of reclaimed lumber. One stall of his barn was lied high with neatly stacked reclaimed lumber stored in readiness for his next project. He had recently been hired to tear down and haul off an old house, the very lumber now resting in his barn. Coffee cans of used nails sat on a shelf. As tempting as it looked, one hard look from Uncle Albert made it clear his lumber was off limits for climbing.
Wisely, Albert did not seem anxious for the company of bothersome children, making no effort to be friendly. In fact, I never noticed him behaving particularly warmly toward my dad., even though Daddy clearly admired him and sought his approval. Uncle Albert was as likely to grump at Daddy as he was at us. I was mystified at seeing Daddy treated as a troublesome child. Daddy had spent months on end living and working with Uncle Albert during His childhood of The Great Depression. His father had died young, leaving a widow with seven young children to to raise.
The barns multiple rooms opened off a central open area. It’s many rooms held ancient implements, harness, plows and all manner of equipment neatly organized. An ancient wagon Relaxed in one stall, in readiness for hay-hauling. We were free to play on it, as long as we weren’t destructive. Hay was stacked in numerous stalls. Uncle Albert mad it clear the hay was not there for our pleasure. In one stall russet and sweet potatoes lay in their beds of hay, dusted with lime. String of beans, dried apples, pears, and onions hung from the rafters. Several barn cats patrolled the barn to keep mice and rats at bay. They weren’t the friendly house cat variety.
The barn was roofed with hand-split wooden shingles. I can’t imagine all the hours he spent splitting them. A neat fence made of various types of wire garden entry to the barn. A couple of large metal road signs served as fence panels, adding to the barnyard’s appeal.
I just loved that barn. I wish I could spend another afternoon poking around in it.
Looking for a laugh? Wrap you noodle around these tasteful Chinese food jokes!
🤣
Beano Jokes Team
Last Updated: August 19th 2024
Feeling peckish? Have a slurp of these soup-er Chinese food gags! If jokes about one of the world’s greatest cuisines isn’t your cup of tea, we’ve also got pasta jokes, bread jokes, fruit jokes, and even this epic unusual food quiz!
Ooh! And don’t forget to check out our main jokes page and have a go on the Great Joke Generator!
My cookie had no slip of paper on the inside…
It was unfortunate!
What did the cook say after making a stir fry at a playground?
It was a wok in a park!
Where do you buy noodle soup in bulk?
The stock market!
My sister bet me £1000 I couldn’t build a car out of noodles
You shoud’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
Why did the block of tofu cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken!
I suddenly realised tofu is overrated.
It just a curd to me!
Chinese food: £20. Delivery charge: £2
Forgetting part of the order? Riceless!
Saying no to dessert after a Chinese meal…
Will cost you a fortune!
How does Han Solo order Chinese food?
With an E-wok!
What do you call an easy lifestyle spent eating lots of Chinese food?
Lo Meintenance!
Elton John hates ordering Chinese food
Soy seems to be the hardest word!
A Chinese restaurant tried to charge me for 1000kg of food
They thought I’d ordered the one tonne soup!
Learing to cook Chinese food can be really difficult.
It takes a lot of wok!
What does the Easter Bunny order from the Chinese takeaway?
Hop Suey!
What do Italian chefs make in Chinese restaurants?
Ciao Mein!
Did you hear Kikkoman moved their factory to China?
They outsauced it!
What did the orange say on holiday?
Do you speak Mandarin?
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea?
Oolong time!
Did you hear about the man who burned down the dumpling factory?
Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.
I interviewed my mother, the oldest person I know.
What is it like to be 96?
It’s just like being 18 or 24. I am always surprised to see I am old when I pass a mirror. I feel the same I always did.
Are you in pain?
Not a bit. I have arthritis. See these bumps on my fingers and toes. I used to have a lot of pain but I’ve been using a simple remedy for years. I don’t remember where I heard it, now. I mix one teaspoon of cinnamon and 2 tablespoons of honey in a cup of sugar-free hot cocoa first thing every morning. That controls my pain. I tell people all the time but very few people try it. It works for me. I am 96 with arthritis and no pain.
You’ve been widowed more than forty years. Are you lonesome?
No. After that long, I think I’d have to work hard to be sad. He’s been out of my life so long, I’ve been widowed longer than I was married. I still remember the good times and bad but it’s not painful.
What changes have you seen in your life?
I was born at a time when nobody in my family had a car. We walked or road in a wagon. I lived in the country, so we had no electricity, gas, running water, or indoor bathroom. It was The Great Depression. Daddy didn’t have a job. He farmed. The whole family helped. One of the first things I remember my parents saying was, “We don’t have the money,” no matter what the subject was. My dad did any odd job he could get, plowing a field, helping dig a well, or cutting hair. Mama sewed for the public and paid the rent by doing the landlady’s wash. It took all day to wash and the next to iron. Us kids helped.
Our dresses were often made of printed feedsacks. It took three to make a dress and one to make a shirt. I never had a storebought dress till I was grown. I only ever knew of my parents buying two things new, both hefore I was born. Daddy sold Singer Sewing Machines for a while and had managed to buy Mama one. They’d also managed to buy a pressure canner. Both these items were precious since Mam sewed everything she and the girls wore and made a bit of cash sewing for the the public. She and Daddy were good farmers. Mama canned enough vegetables to feed us all year. We never went hungry or ragged. Learning how to make with bare necessities has made everything since then better.
I never imagined I’d see men walk on the moon and stay in space for months. Things have changed a lot but people really haven’t.
Had I met Snowball under different circumstances, I’m sure I would have found her adorable. Sadly for our friendship, I met her on a crowded plane. I heard about her before I saw her, listening in on the conversation between the two passengers sitting between me and the aisle.
”Snowball never pooped when I put her down on her pee pee pad in the bathroom. I know she has to go by now.” Ms. Bozo worried as she crowded me closer to the window.
”She’ll be fine. We can’t do anything about that now.” Mr. Bozo replied, placidly.
”I think you need to take her to the lavatory and put her down on a pad.” Ms. Bozo insisted. “I gave her a little laxative last night so she’d go this morning. She never did. We don’t want her getting constipated again. You remember what happened last time.” That sounded ominous.
“I told you not to do that!” Mr. Bozo grouched. “You know how that works her.” He got up and struggled to pull Snowflake’s carrier from under Ms. Bozo’s seat. Ms. Bozo unzipped the opening and peeked in at Little Snowball. The smell was bad news. Desperate to escape the fetid air in the carrier, Snowball leapt to freedom, smearing Mr. and Ms. Bozo with feces on her way. Snowball no longer looked snowy. Ms. Bozo squealed and Bozo roared. Snowball sprinted down the aisle, ducking between passenger’s feet, the stewardess in pursuit.
”Don’t hurt her! She’s scared!” Shrieked Ms. Bozo. “Snowball, come back to Mama! Snowball! Snowball!
That Snowball could run. Darting in and out among the legs of the other passengers, she left a little of herself all along the way. She got by Bozo and the stewardess several times. Eventually she was recaptured, looking much cleaner, courtesy of hapless passengers’ legs. Ms. Bozo tidied her up in the lavatory, so Snowball was in better shape than her disgruntled new acquaintance who took turns sponging off in the lavatory,. They clearly held a grudge.
Soon, a miasma from Snowball’s befouled carrier beneath the seat began to reek. As the odor recirculated through the cabin, only the Bozos failed to notice. Even after the stewardess had them stuff it in a garbage bag, the smell spread, even crossing the curtain into first class.
Eavesdropping on planes is one of life’s gifts. First of all, it costs nothing and could be considered a bonus that comes with your ticket. Most importantly, it is totally a guiltless indulgence, though some people might not appreciate it.
Today’s flight was packed. A gentleman seated behind us called a buddy and launched into his sad story as soon as he was seated, talking so loud the entire assemblage could hear.
“Man, I am so hungover and mad I can hardly think straight. I picked up a client for dinner and he wanted to drag a buddy along. I should have said no, but I was trying to be “The Good Guy.” They talked about his buddy’s divorce all through dinner. We didn’t get a bit of business done. I took them to a strip joint and it was all downhill. We all got drunk and I told him what I thought.
He paused for a bit,”No, I’m going straight to my office. I don’t want to see my wife. I blew up before I left. I came home for dinner and she dished my dinner up and banged it down on the counter. ‘Now, hold on,’ I said. ‘What happened to family dinners in the dining room?”
She got all huffy, moved my meal to the dining room table. Then she went back and started putting the kid’s dinners on paper plates.
“#|%^*!~. £#%~?{, I don’t want my kids growing up eating on paper plates like trash. I want them to remember eating in the dining room on real dishes. I don’t care if the dishwasher is broken. I’LL wash the ——ng dishes if that’s what it takes. I bought you a two million dollar house and I expect you to raise my kids right.”
Lengthy pause, then “I don’t even think I’ll go home. I think I’ll just call her tonight and tell her I’m done. She used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened.”
Just then the stewardess came by and told him to get off the phone so that was the end of the call. He did apologize saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve got such a hangover I’m not thinking straight.”
Don’t you know his wife would be upset when she found out all she would have had to do was feed the kids on paper plates to get rid of him?
A man says to his wife, “Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.”
She asks, “Oh, are you taking me with you?”“No, I’m turning the heating off.”
Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a pub. The landlord yells, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here!”
I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace. He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”
Bill BaileyPixie Pub
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?”
I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a cider and a mop, please.”
A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, “£17, please.”The polar bear pays and takes a seat. Bemused, the barman approaches and says, “This is exciting, we don’t get many polar bears in here!” To which the polar bear replies, “I’m not surprised with beer at £17 a pint.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Two German agents walk into a pub in London during WW2 and one of them said to the waiter, “Two martinis, please.”The barman asked, “Dry?” To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”
I am making this bag now for a friend. I learned how from the lovely Jada from her tutorial on Jada in stitches. Please check out her channel if you enjoy crochet with a twist. I don’t throw leftover yarn out, so I never have to run out and purchase for an impromptu idea or project. Be bold in your color choices. If you aren’t pleased, rip it out and try something else. I am an experienced crocheter and I believe I will finish this in about six hours. I love a project I can do quickly.
I tried to get a shipment of fire hydrants from the factory that makes ‘em, but I wasn’t allowed to stop anywhere near the place!
[Updated 12/29/19].
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
A genie comes out and says, “Thank you for releasing me, master. I will grant you one wish.”
The trucker thinks for a moment and says, “I would like my own personal, private, toll-free road from New York to California.”
The genie shakes his head and says, “There are far too many federal, state, and local regulations involved, that would be too difficult. Is there anything else you’d rather have?”
The trucker thinks for another minute and says “I wish my wife would stop nagging me.” The genie replies, “All right, how many lanes do you want for that road?”
On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions.
The examiner asks “What would you do if your headlights went out?” and Charlie says “I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, shine a flashlight out the window so we could keep going.”
The examiner says “OK, but you shouldn’t rely on your partner to help you with problems. What if you’re backing up and the trailer starts to jack-knife, what would you do?” and Charlie says “Well, I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, hop out and help direct me.”
The examiner says “I guess that would help but you shouldn’t rely on your co-driver all the time.”
For his last question the examiner decides he’s going to give a question that no co-driver in the world can help with!
“Okay, now what do you do if you’re on a steep downhill grade, the road is really icy, your brakes are locked up, and at the bottom of the hill is a narrow bridge with a hazardous materials truck coming the other way at you?”
Charlie thinks a minute, and he says “Well, I’d reach over and shake old Joe awake because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”
Mother gets pretty hot about a few things. One of these is problems with mail delivery. One day, she got to her mailbox to find her mail tattered,torn, and lying on the ground. Worst of all, a government check had been ripped. Somebody was going to pay for this crime! Rabid with rage, she cornered a couple of kids who gladly gave up the perpetrator to save their own sorry hides. They’d seen a little blonde-haired girl with pig-tails standing on her pink tricycle rifling through Mother’s box. Mother gave the little snitches a five dollar reward after they located the child’s tricycle parked in front of a house two streets over.
My great-Uncle Albert’s barn raised the bar for what a barn should be. A rambling, splotched caterpillar, it sprawled behind his rustic house. It was an amalgamation of scavenged lumber of various vintages. Over many years, he’d added on as the need arose and opportunity allowed Of an age to have experienced The Great Depression in its entirety, he understood waste not, want not. His house and outbuildings were built largely of reclaimed lumber. One stall of his barn was lied high with neatly stacked reclaimed lumber stored in readiness for his next project. He had recently been hired to tear down and haul off an old house, the very lumber now resting in his barn. Coffee cans of used nails sat on a shelf. As tempting as it looked, one hard look from Uncle Albert made it clear his lumber was off limits for climbing.
Nutsrok 