I took my four-year-old son to the local park. A boy approached him and said, “I’m three.” Without hesitation, my son replied, “Hi, Three. I’m Ezra.”
—Victoria Stein, Pickering, Ont.

Mom: Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl?
Kid: I want the baby to be Batman.
—@FoodieandFamily

Son: This song said a bad word.
Me: You know not to repeat it.
Son: I know, but I am saying it in my brain.
—@embrolear

After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas.
—@Dara_bhur_gCara

PHOTO: COURTESY SOPHIE KOHN / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Parent: How was your first day of second grade?
Kid: I survived. And I can’t wait to get my farts out.
—@janegallagher17

After being told that it’s rude to call dinner gross, our four-year-old is finding increasingly creative ways to express himself:
“This tastes … unlucky to me.”
“This sends my mouth into outer space.”
“Cauliflower is,” as he pinches his fingers together, “this much delicious.”
—Alix E. Harrow, author

My two-year-old said she is a grownup. I told her that no she isn’t, she’s a toddler.
She replied: “No I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
—@jessokfine

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. He’s still making fun of me.
—Voxpop.com

Our nine-year-old conducted an experiment to prove the tooth fairy isn’t real. When he lost a tooth, he kept it under his pillow and told no one for three days. No money. Then, when he told us he lost his tooth, there was money under his pillow the following day. Eventually, he confronted us with his scientific evidence.
—@RogueDadMD

Here are more funny tweets every parent can relate to!

PHOTO: COURTESY OPHIRA CALOF / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Recently, I was complaining that we have too much stuff in our house and need to get rid of some of it. My four-year-old looked me dead in the eye and said, “You should probably burn it in the oven like our food, Mommy.”
—@MumInBits

My daughter says every boy in the world has a penis, even Santa. So sad for her to one day learn that there’s no such thing as Santa’s penis
—Adam Scott, actor

When I was four, my dad got pulled over and I screamed, “I have to poop!” The cop then let my dad go. Later he took me to the bathroom and couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop—I just didn’t want him to get a ticket.
—@BunAndLeggings

Me: If we’re going to the store, I have to change into a cuter outfit.
My nine-year-old son: Why?
Me: Because people are going to see me.
My nine-year-old son: Nobody’s really going to be paying attention to you, though.
—@msemilymccombs

While walking in a local park with my three young kids, we passed a bench that had been donated by a family in 1992. I heard one of them say, “I wonder if that family is still alive.”
My 10-year-old daughter responded, “Probably. I’m pretty sure Dad was already born in 1992 and he’s still alive!”
—Albert Kandie, Winnipeg

I told my nephew a watermelon was going to grow in his stomach because he ate some of the seeds. He then looked me straight in the eyes and, I kid you not, said, “Nope, there’s no sunlight so you’re wrong and college has failed you.” He’s seven.
—@GracieGrayC

When I was eight, I got lost at the mall and started crying because I couldn’t find my mom. A security guard came to help me, but I punched him in the groin as hard as I could because “stranger danger.” (He still had to help me find my mom.)
—@primawesome

My five-year-old asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it.
My five-year-old: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best.”
—@AdamHill1212

One Sunday morning, my five-year-old son came to my bedroom, jumped into my bed and hugged me. Afterwards, he said, “Mommy, your breath smells yucky, but I still love you.”
—Ana Macias, Guelph, Ont.

Advertisement

My four-year-old granddaughter was pretending to enjoy a piece of make-believe cake. When her older brother, who is allergic to nuts, asked for his own pretend slice, she quickly responded, “No, you can’t have any. It has nuts in it!”
—Jennifer Khan, Vaughan, Ont.

My six-year-old, to her crying brother: It’s OK to be sad. Sometimes we need to let our feelings out. Just let yourself be sad.
Me: Oh darling, that’s so lovely. Well done. Wait, why is he crying anyway?
My six-year-old: I hit him.
—@elspells13

On the way to daycare, I gave my three-year-old some money, which he then put in his pocket. When we arrived, he immediately announced to everybody, “I have money but I’m hiding it in my pocket!”
—Kashif Shaikh, Scarborough

Here are 25 knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!

PHOTO: LEV RADIN/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Parental Guidance

Parenting would be 30 per cent easier if you didn’t have to put sunscreen on your kids.
—@steventurous

Ninety per cent of parenting is saying “Wherever you left it.”
—@sofarsogud

My daughter and I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom and he got mad which is funny because I haven’t peed alone in seven years.
—Busy Phillips, actor

When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
—Kristen Bell, actor

Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep—and missing your sanity when they’re awake.
—@Chhappiness

Going away on a business trip and my seven-year-old is very sad because “there won’t be anyone to reach the high things,” if you’re wondering how important I am.
—@daddygofish

Here are 100 more hilarious tweetsthat are guaranteed to make you grin!

PHOTO: KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Senior Moments

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
—mytowntutors.com

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
―Ellen DeGeneres, comedian

Grandpa whispers to Grandma in church, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
—juicyquotes.com

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She hid his teeth.
—Reddit.com