Day: August 22, 2024

Design a City?

How would you design the city of the future?

Ha! Ha! This prompt is so far outside the realm of possibility I can’t even craft a response.

Crow’s Mischief at Little Missouri River: A Fly-Fishing Tale

Bud loves fly-fishing. We camped at Dynamite Hill Campground near the Little Missouri River in Arkansas. Before daylight, I had coffee, sausage, biscuits, and eggs on our picnic table, under the tall pines. We enjoyed breakfast as the sun came up over the hills. Since it was a brisk morning and we weren’t concerned about spoilage, we wrapped our leftover sausage biscuits in foil and left them on the picnic table for the second breakfast we anticipated when Bud came back from his morning’s fishing. I took the opportunity to snuggle back under the covers with the dogs.

As I snoozed off and on through the morning, I noticed the birds were noisier than those at home. Near ten, I put on another pot of coffee, expecting Bud to show up soon.

I heard Bud shouting before I saw him. “Get out of here, you dirty little 4$.(@/s.” Mumble, rhrrrr, grumble!” I saw a rock fly skyward, then another, as I stepped out with a cup of hot coffee. The picnic table was littered with tattered scraps of napkins. Not a sausage biscuit remained! The jam was overturned. Had they only had opposable thumbs, I’m sure they’d have emptied the jar. As I glanced skyward. I saw the sun shining on bits of foil decorating the lower branches. A further inspection revealed that the observant crows had taken every sausage biscuit. Only a few crumbs lay neglected. Had Bud only been a few minutes later, they’d have been history, too. The crows didn’t seem a bit grateful, offering only raucous complaints at Bud’s fist-shaking, rock-throwing deprecations.

Camping Lessons: Spare Glasses Saved Me from Disaster

   image Dirty Dog

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We just got back from camping on the Gulf Coast.  We had fun and I learned a couple of things. First of all, if you think you might fall and bust your fanny, carry your extra glasses.  I was standing behind the trailer trying to wave Bud in as he backed the trailer up and Buzzy wrapped me in his leash, plopping me flat on my keester. I fell flat, banging right on my glasses.   I hadn’t gotten in Bud’s line of vision yet, so he thought I’d wandered off, as I am prone to do.  He continued backing up, but fortunately I was able to get out of the way before he flattened me.

Although the fall did kill my glasses, I escaped.  I was worried whether I would have a black eye, but luckily I didn’t.  If I had, I would have to have blacked both Bud’s eyes or I would have been ashamed to be seen when we met friends later.  I was able to get the frames replaced, using the same lenses.  What a relief.  I had dreaded trying to get by with just reading glasses till I could get new ones made.  I will never go off without a spare again.

Buzzy had a fine time camping as always.  We patrolled the camp several times a day.  He got to meet new dogs, see an alligator, smell the Gulf, roll in some different flavors of mud, walk on the beach, and sleep in the camper.  His favorite part of camping is sitting on the bench seat between us at meals.  He doesn’t get a place at the table at home.

Stupid Camping Jokes

1. DON’T BE ALARMED
Q: Did you hear about the kid napping in the woods?

A: It’s okay. He woke up.

2. THANKS PASTOR
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. “From what I hear about your aim,” said the Pastor, “It’s a sin for you to hunt any time.”

3. TENT VS TOAD
Q: Can a frog jump higher than an average tent?

A: Of course, an average tent can’t jump!

4. NEXT TIME SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three time up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three times up into the air every hour on the hour.

The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Why didn’t you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “I did! I fired three times up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

5. DOUBLE ENTENDRE
Clean Camping JokesQ: What’s another name for a sleeping bag?

A: A nap sack

6. NATURES COLORS
Q. What is the color of the wind?

A. Blew.

7. I’LL HAVE A NUMBER 2
Q: What do bears call campers in sleeping bags?

A: Soft Tacos

8. IT’S SIMPLE MATH
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”

9. NEW FRIENDSHIPS
A spider was in my tent and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of squashing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Related: Best Backpacking Sleeping Bag Under 100 Dollars

10. AN EGGCELLENT TIME OF YEAR
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love camping autumn?

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.Funny Camping Jokes clean

11. AWE SHUCKS
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the lakes’s bottom.

12. AMEN
Two guys are walking through a national park & they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.

The bear sees the two men, and starts chasing them.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the bear is still chasing and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.

As he comes closer to the bear, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

13. DIY HEATER
If you ever get cold while camping, just stand in the corner of a tent for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

14. A BIT ONE SIDED
Did you hear about the camper who broke his left leg and left arm? He’s all right now.

15. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had six deer.

“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot.

Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”

After going back and forth for a few minutes, the pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest.

Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”

The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

camping jokes clean 16. PACKING LIGHT
Q: If you have 5 tents in one hand and 3 sleeping bags in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

17. A HIKERS EGO
How many hikers does it take to hike Mount Everest? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”

18. ANTICLIMACTIC
Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft deer stand.”

Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”

Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”

19. SNIFF SNIFF
Q: What do you call a camper without a nose or a body?

A: Nobodynose.

20. MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEONE ELSE
A man walks out of his tent one day and sees a fox in the tree in front of his campsite. Unsure of what to do, he calls animal control. About an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a taser.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the fox out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the fox is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to attack anything that falls from the tree.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the taser for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the fox, shoot the dog.”

Related: Best Hammock Underquilt 

21. NEXT TIME JUST SAY HEY
Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?

A: Wave.

22. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.”

23. GON’ FISHING
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

24. PRECIPITATION
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

25. SHOULDA STUCK TO THE BOOK
A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”

26. GOOD SIGNALcampfire jokes
Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

27. A HARSH REALITY
One time an adventurer paddling on a northern river got cold and lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

28. NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR
Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth

A. A gummy bear

29. THE RELIGIOUS SKUNKS
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a bow. “I hope he’s not going to get at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”

30. BAIT AND SWITCH
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

31. HIDE THE PICNIC BASKET
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

32. ROUGHING IT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

A Hog a Day Part 19

Image courtesy of Pixabay

I’ve got to end this series, since it is the basis of my next book and I don’t want to give it away but there are so many stories I want to share.  One is about a suicide and a mean Christian.

Mrs Rivers was as old as the hills. I believe she was born that way.   Widowed more than forty years, no one ever spoke of her husband.  It was impossible for me to imagine anyone could have ever wanted to marry her, as unpleasant as she appeared.  Still living in the house where  she raised her children, her son had built a house on her lot. My mother often remarked she’d be a trial as a mother-in-law as we drove  by and saw her dressed in a dark, long-sleeved dress and sun bonnet working her garden with a push plow. I’m sure she refused her son’s offer to plow her garden, because no one would have expected someone that old to plow.

Old Lady Rivers, as she was known, was a practicing Pentecostal, though she attended the Baptist Church just across the road from her house and interfered with its runnings as much as she was able.  While she didn’t have a vote, she did have opinions and battered the faithful with them as often as possible.  She was the first at services, wakes, and funerals, eager to share “how they took it” and why.  Never losing track of when a marriage was made, she was the first to predict should a baby appear to be coming “too soon.”

She was a skilled craftsman of gossip, eager to bear bad news or scandal. In the days before telephones were common in our rural community, it could be a challenge to get messages to people in a timely manner.   One sad day, a poor old gentlemen shot himself in the head out by his mailbox. His panicked wife called her son from next door for help.  The son covered his father with a sheet, but left the body lying awaiting the sheriff. A neighbor hurried to a local store to call the school principal to intercept his daughter, Alice Fay,  a school bus driver, before she left school with a bus load of children.  Sadly, they missed her by about fifteen minutes.  The principal summoned the coach and together, they hurried to catch up, hoping to spare her happening up on the grisly scene at her parent’s home, not realizing a couple of her stops had been eliminated.  He was behind her at every stop.

Old Lady Rivers heard the news before the bus was due.  She waited on the porch and puffed her way out to flag Alice Faye’s bus down.  The principal skidded to a stop behind the bus just as Alice Fay opened the bus door to see what the excited old lady wanted, Mrs. Rivers propped herself on her cane and announced, “Alice Faye, yore daddy done shot hisself in the head! God help him, he’s going to Hell for shore!”

Alice Faye reacted, as you might expect, erupting into hysterical tears as the principal and coach rushed up to comfort her and restore order to the traumatized children, three of whom were Alice Faye’s.  It was a horrendous situation.  The principal drove Alice Faye and her children home, and the coach finished the bus route on that awful day.  It was a shocking announcement of tragedy Alice Faye and her children could have been spared.