A garda was patrolling down O’Connell Streetin Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them.

He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, ‘I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.’ 

The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question.

He replies, ‘I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!’”

Delirrrrrah

“Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. 

When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.

Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!‘”

Ordering a pint

“‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinnessand a packet of crisps where you’re ready there’.

‘Oh. You must be Irish‘, she replied. The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume I’m Irish. 

If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian?!’

‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagents…‘”

Feeling himself

“Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. ‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face.

‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately‘, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’”

Flies in a pint

This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes that’s flying around, but unlike many it isn’t exactly offensive.

“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little b*stard.””

Legal advice

“An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’‘Bollocks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.”

Death by Guinness

It’s been doing the rounds on WhatsApp for a while, but hopefully it’ll give you a laugh.

“It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloy’s house. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep.

‘Pat. Hello. Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work 3 hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.

Ten shots, please

‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’ ‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a p*ss‘.”

“Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskeyand a pint of Smwithicks. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk.

‘Ah here, you drank those very quickly‘ said the barman. ‘Well’ says Ben, ‘If you had what I had you’d drink them quickly, too’.

‘Shite’ replied the barman ‘What do you have?’ ‘A tenner’ replied Ben.”