Month: August 2024

Funnies from Readers Digest

I took my four-year-old son to the local park. A boy approached him and said, “I’m three.” Without hesitation, my son replied, “Hi, Three. I’m Ezra.”
—Victoria Stein, Pickering, Ont.

Mom: Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl?
Kid: I want the baby to be Batman.
—@FoodieandFamily

Son: This song said a bad word.
Me: You know not to repeat it.
Son: I know, but I am saying it in my brain.
—@embrolear

After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas.
—@Dara_bhur_gCara

Funny family jokes - Sophie KohnPHOTO: COURTESY SOPHIE KOHN / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Parent: How was your first day of second grade?
Kid: I survived. And I can’t wait to get my farts out.
—@janegallagher17

After being told that it’s rude to call dinner gross, our four-year-old is finding increasingly creative ways to express himself:
“This tastes … unlucky to me.”
“This sends my mouth into outer space.”
“Cauliflower is,” as he pinches his fingers together, “this much delicious.”
—Alix E. Harrow, author

My two-year-old said she is a grownup. I told her that no she isn’t, she’s a toddler.
She replied: “No I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
—@jessokfine

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. He’s still making fun of me.
—Voxpop.com

Our nine-year-old conducted an experiment to prove the tooth fairy isn’t real. When he lost a tooth, he kept it under his pillow and told no one for three days. No money. Then, when he told us he lost his tooth, there was money under his pillow the following day. Eventually, he confronted us with his scientific evidence.
—@RogueDadMD

Here are more funny tweets every parent can relate to!

Funny family jokes - Ophira CalofPHOTO: COURTESY OPHIRA CALOF / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Recently, I was complaining that we have too much stuff in our house and need to get rid of some of it. My four-year-old looked me dead in the eye and said, “You should probably burn it in the oven like our food, Mommy.”
—@MumInBits

My daughter says every boy in the world has a penis, even Santa. So sad for her to one day learn that there’s no such thing as Santa’s penis
—Adam Scott, actor

When I was four, my dad got pulled over and I screamed, “I have to poop!” The cop then let my dad go. Later he took me to the bathroom and couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop—I just didn’t want him to get a ticket.
—@BunAndLeggings

Me: If we’re going to the store, I have to change into a cuter outfit.
My nine-year-old son: Why?
Me: Because people are going to see me.
My nine-year-old son: Nobody’s really going to be paying attention to you, though.
—@msemilymccombs

While walking in a local park with my three young kids, we passed a bench that had been donated by a family in 1992. I heard one of them say, “I wonder if that family is still alive.”
My 10-year-old daughter responded, “Probably. I’m pretty sure Dad was already born in 1992 and he’s still alive!”
—Albert Kandie, Winnipeg

I told my nephew a watermelon was going to grow in his stomach because he ate some of the seeds. He then looked me straight in the eyes and, I kid you not, said, “Nope, there’s no sunlight so you’re wrong and college has failed you.” He’s seven.
—@GracieGrayC

When I was eight, I got lost at the mall and started crying because I couldn’t find my mom. A security guard came to help me, but I punched him in the groin as hard as I could because “stranger danger.” (He still had to help me find my mom.)
—@primawesome

My five-year-old asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it.
My five-year-old: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best.”
—@AdamHill1212

One Sunday morning, my five-year-old son came to my bedroom, jumped into my bed and hugged me. Afterwards, he said, “Mommy, your breath smells yucky, but I still love you.”
—Ana Macias, Guelph, Ont.

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My four-year-old granddaughter was pretending to enjoy a piece of make-believe cake. When her older brother, who is allergic to nuts, asked for his own pretend slice, she quickly responded, “No, you can’t have any. It has nuts in it!”
—Jennifer Khan, Vaughan, Ont.

My six-year-old, to her crying brother: It’s OK to be sad. Sometimes we need to let our feelings out. Just let yourself be sad.
Me: Oh darling, that’s so lovely. Well done. Wait, why is he crying anyway?
My six-year-old: I hit him.
—@elspells13

On the way to daycare, I gave my three-year-old some money, which he then put in his pocket. When we arrived, he immediately announced to everybody, “I have money but I’m hiding it in my pocket!”
—Kashif Shaikh, Scarborough

Here are 25 knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!

Funny family jokes - Samantha BeePHOTO: LEV RADIN/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Parental Guidance

Parenting would be 30 per cent easier if you didn’t have to put sunscreen on your kids.
—@steventurous

Ninety per cent of parenting is saying “Wherever you left it.”
—@sofarsogud

My daughter and I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom and he got mad which is funny because I haven’t peed alone in seven years.
—Busy Phillips, actor

When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
—Kristen Bell, actor

Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep—and missing your sanity when they’re awake.
—@Chhappiness

Going away on a business trip and my seven-year-old is very sad because “there won’t be anyone to reach the high things,” if you’re wondering how important I am.
—@daddygofish

Here are 100 more hilarious tweetsthat are guaranteed to make you grin!

Funny family jokes - Jim CarreyPHOTO: KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA

Senior Moments

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
—mytowntutors.com

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
―Ellen DeGeneres, comedian

Grandpa whispers to Grandma in church, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
—juicyquotes.com

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She hid his teeth.
—Reddit.com

A Hog a Day Part 9

Daddy took pride in being strict.  “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”  He was certainly never accused of spoiling the child.  Many times I heard him say there wasn’t a kid or an animal he couldn’t conquer.  During his hog-hunting days he’d acquired a hog-dog that he was incredibly proud of.  Sutter was a black lab/Catahoula Cur mix.  When sicced on a herd of hogs, Sutter plunged in and fearlessly latched onto the hog’s ear not to be dislodged until the hunter dispatched the hog.  The poor hog couldn’t slash Sutter as long as he hung on to the ear.  The dog was in the greatest danger of being bitten as he rushed the hog.   Hog-hunting was dangerous for men and dogs.  I’ve seen Daddy stitch his cut dogs a few times.  He  required stitches a time or two, but splurged on a doctor for himself.

Sutter worked cows with Daddy. One day, he chased a calf and pinned it to the ground where he held it by a mangled ear.  Expecting a kill, he wouldn’t release it.  Intending to teach Sutter a lesson, Daddy pulled him off the calf, tied him off to a small sapling, and pulled off his belt to strap to him.  He got a couple of licks in before Sutter changed his belief system.  The enraged dog ran Daddy up the sapling where he clung just out of the dog’s reach.   At six-foot three and two hundred forty pounds, Daddy was imposing on the tree.  It dipped from one side to the other as Daddy bounced side-to-side just beyond the snarling dog’s jaws.  I wondered if somebody would have to shoot Daddy if Sutter latched onto his ear. After a few minutes, Sutter’s temper cooled and he wagged his tail when Daddy spoke to him.  Daddy climbed down when Sutter seemed to have forgiven him.

Sitter was a very valuable dog.  Instead of shooting him as I expected, Daddy took the reasonable attitude that he’d handled things badly.  He and Sutter worked it out and the dog concentrated on hogs from that time forward.

Maybe I should have run Daddy up a tree.

Thank you, teachers

What profession do you admire most and why?

I think teaching must be the hardest job in the world. Teachers interact with kids on a daily level bringing important lessons to kids who may or may not be receptive. They face criticism from unappreciative parents who feel their kids do not wrong. Teachers are underpaid, yet put their own money back into classroom supplies. I am so grateful for teachers. All of society depends on them.

I Am So Sorry, Rosie. I Didn’t Know.

black maidThis is updated post. Please excuse the offensive word used in context in this story.

Rosie was beautiful, the first black woman I ever knew.  She tolerated my stroking her creamy, caramel-colored legs as she washed dishes or ironed. Her crisply starched cotton housedresses smelled just like sunshine.  Normally, I trailed my mother, but on the days Rosie was there, she couldn’t stop suddenly without my bumping her.  Rosie ate standing up at the kitchen counter with her own special dishes while I ate at the kitchen table.  I wanted to eat standing at the counter with her but wasn’t tall enough.  One day as we ate, she told me she had a little girl.  Pearl was three years old, just my age,  Three years old.  I was enchanted.  “Is she a nigger girl?”  Rosie’s face fell.

“Don’t say ‘nigger.’  That’s a mean word. Say ‘colored’.”  I was surprised Rosie corrected me, not knowing I’d done anything wrong.   I was also surprised to hear “nigger” was a mean word.  I’d heard it many times.

Rosie said no more.  I was relieved when she seemed to have forgiven me, soon allowing me to hug her and stroke her beautiful, smooth legs as she worked along.

It was years before I realized how deeply I’d hurt her.  I am so, so sorry Rosie.  I wish I could unsay that awful thing.

Addendum; I was raised in the deep South, before the Civil Rights Struggle began. My home was as prejudiced as any. I went to a segregated school and knew a black child. Should we meet on the street on the street, we just stared open-mouthed at each other. I believed the lie until I went to college and made black friends. My eyes were opened! Why is is so hard to learn that people are just people?

A Hog a Day Part 8

Taking his cue from Mr. Grady Rose, Daddy decided he needed to go into the hog business. In theory, all he had to do was harvest wild hogs and watch the money roll in. Mother reluctantly agreed.  In fact, he did accrue a few expenses to get a few starter sows and a boar or two, timber to build trap pens, and corn to bait the traps.  

Of course, he had to have a gun and knife for protection, and mud tires to negotiate the deep woods and oh yes, a hog dog for the hunt, expenditures that severely stressed an already overburdened budget.  Daddy brought home about a hundred dollars a week. Groceries took twelve dollars of that.

Daddy took to hog hunting enthusiastically.  It became  a sport rather than a money-making venture.  I don’t recall eating a lot of pork or having to help count the extra money it brought in. The boars were very aggressive to men and dogs.  Daddy often had to stitch his dogs up after they were slashed by hogs.

Daddy’s hunting buddy, Jimmy, was amazing.  He’d lost a leg as an infant, but had compensated so well, he seemed not to miss it at all.  When an angry boar charged a group of hunters aggressively, the other men scattered into nearby trees while Jimmy agiley jumped on top of his crutch and balanced as the hog ran beneath him.  He used his crutch to vault over fences rather than hunting for a gate.

When my brother Billy was little, Mother had learned to dread what Billy might say to people.  Early one morning as she stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes, she saw Jimmy headed for the front door.  She rushed to get to the open front door greet him before Billy got a chance open his big mouth and ask about the missing leg. She was too slow.  As she rushed in, Billy announced, “Mama, a skeeter bit his leg off!”

Daddy made an interesting acquisition from one of his hunting buddies.  For a nominal amount, he became the proud owner of the Hog Wagon.  It was a school bus on a cut down frame with a cage on back for transporting hogs and sometimes children.  This amalgamation was unlicensed, of course, since it had no windshield or doors.  A battered bench seat covered with burlap bags replaced the bus seat. The V8 flathead engine made it very powerful when run in first gear, an invaluable feature for a vehicle used in swampy areas.  

We hung on for dear life when we were fortunate enough to get a ride on this beauty.  Daddy also employed this powerful machine to pull up stumps when clearing pasture.

We were seriously the envy of neighborhood kids.

 

 

 

More Old People Jokes

A ninety-six year old man went to the doctor.

“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor.

“I’m having trouble with my sex life.” said the old man.

Somewhat taken aback, the doctor asked., “How long has this been going on?”

“ First last night and then again this morning.”

LOOKING GOOD

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

THE RETIREMENT HOME

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked. 

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

Experience: [FqtttbbYfSM] – A Mesmerizing Song on YouTube

youtube.com/watch

https://youtu.be/FqtttbbYfSM?si=w-4RwAoVthSutCpn

I just love this song.

If I were going to open a shop

If I were going to open a shop. Nothing would please me better than to offer my own baked goods, pastries, sandwiches, to go casseroles, and beverages. I’d have soup of the day simmering to entice famished friends.

It would have a bright open area with a few tables where friends could meet and visit. Artists, writers, and artisans could display their work. Maybe someone who reads this will like the idea and create such a place. I hope so.

Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus

Bud and I were strolling along the sidewalk holding hands. From an open car window, I heard a woman laughing. “Y’all are a beautiful couple!”

”Thank you,” I replied.

“Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus!” She laughed even harder.”What are y’all doing out running around?”

”It’s our day off,” I explained.