Month: August 2024

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JOKES

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!” 


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face. 

Roses are red. 
Your blood is too. 
You look like a monkey 
And belong in a zoo. 
Do not worry, 
I’ll be there too. 
Not in the cage, 
But laughing at you

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.” 

Whenever your ex says, “You’ll never find someone like me,” the answer to that is, “That’s the point.” 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

 

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.” 

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

A Hog a Day Part 2

We all piled in Daddy’s GMC truck and headed for Mr. Rose’s house as soon as my sister caught the school bus.  I was normally jealous she got to  to school, but today, I was glad to be going to the Rose’s. I was in hopes I’d get to ride in the back of the truck with its tall cattle frame but Mother shot that down.  Billy and I bounced along on the seat between Mother and Daddy, dust fogging in the open windows as we made our way down that red dirt road way back to the Rose’s farm.
Even though it was hot and hadn’t rained in days, its deep, dried ruts made for slow.going. From time to time, Daddy made a point to hit a bump harder, just to give us a delightful thrill. I was amazed to see a young doe and her fawn step out of the deep woods and cross in front of us.  I’d heard of deer, but never seen one.  I was hopeful Santa’s sleigh might be right behind her, but Mother assured me he’d only be around at Christmas.

Eventually the Rose’s neat farm and unpainted house came into view.  Billy and I trailed Daddy and Mr. Rose to the barn, where they were loaded up a few squealing pigs to take to the auction.  Daddy always did such fascinating things, while Mother stayed home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids.  It didn’t look like much of a deal to me.  I decided early on I needed to figure out a way to be a boy, an idea I abandoned later.  The pigs didn’t seem happy at all about their ride in the truck, even though they did get to ride in the back.

Pigs loaded, the men disappeared on their journey.  At the time, a trip to the auction with a truckful of squealing pigs seemed as epic as setting off to search for the Holy Grail, had I heard of such a thing.  Even though I’d been told I wasn’t going, my heart broke anew seeing them drive off with that load of pigs.  Life just wasn’t fair!  I needed to ride in the back of that truck with those pigs and maybe see another deer.

Heartbroken, I staggered back to the house where I found Mother and Miss Bessie having coffee at the oil-cloth covered kitchen table.  Salt, pepper, a jug of syrup, a sugar bowl, a jar of homemade jam, and one of those cute, tiny cans of Pet Milk sat in the center of the table.  My feelings were greatly repaired when Miss Bessie set a plate with a jam-filled biscuit and two slices of bacon in front of me.   Then, wonder of wonders, she asked if I wanted a cup of coffee.  At our house, no coffee or tea for children was a moral issue.  My parents frequently remarked how wrong it was that one of my aunts allowed her children sips of coffee.  Unbelievably, Mother allowed it, “Just this one time.”  Miss Bessie poured a little coffee, mixed in a lot of milk, and two teaspoons of sugar.  That was the best cup of coffee I ever had.  That heavenly elixir totally cured my heartbreak.

to be continued

Iced Tea

Iced tea was a treat reserved for Aunt Julie’s house. Mother felt the caffeine kicked us into high gear. However, dinner at Aunt Julie’s was a happy exception. While the adults sat at the table, us kids sat with our plates on the floor. Aunt Julie served us sweet, iced tea in large goblets. I have tasted better tea since. I could have skipped the meal and filled up on that rare treat, knowing I wouldn’t get it again before my next visit. I suppose Mother allowed it at Aunt Julie’s because Aunt Julie insisted. What a wonderful aunt! I still love her for that

White Chili

  • 4 oz butter
  • 2 sweet onions, chopped
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 6 boneless chicken breast halves chopped (I use boneless, skinless chicken thighs)
  • 1 or 2 (4 ounce) cans canned green chile peppers, chopped(green chilis optional depending on your taste)
  • 2 teaspoons ground cumin
  • 2 teaspoons dried oregano
  • 1 1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

4 cloves crushed garlic

Chicken broth to cook beans(I use reconstituted salt caution) supplement with water as needed to cook beans.

Cook 1 cup dried Navy beans according to package directions in chicken broth instead of water.) Don’t salt until done. Broth may have enough salt)May use large can of Navy beans if you prefer

Saute onions and garlic in butter till clear. Add chopped chicken breasts. Stir in spices and 1 can green chilis if you’re a sissy like me, 2 if you like spicy. Simmer 10 minutes Mix into prepared beans. Simmer on low( bubbling around edges of pan till flavors blend well.

If you’re feeling wild, you can add cayenne or chopped jalapeños.

Before serving, stir in grated Monterey Jack Cheese. Salt and black pepper to taste.

Great with regular or Mexican Cornbread.

Can double recipe. It freezes well.

Best if made day ahead and you give spices time to get friendly.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. posts video saying he put a young dead bear in Central Park

Kennedy said The New Yorker magazine found out about the incident and asked him for confirmation.

Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.

Robert F Kennedy, Jr. confirmed that he found a dead baby bear on the side of the road and picked it up, intending to skin and eat it. There was a time delay and he ended up dumping it in Central Park. A dead bear was found in park in 2014.

The only connection I have to this story is that once I ran over two puppies that darted out in the street. That bump, bump sound was horrible. The kids were in the car with me. We were all devastated.

A Hog a Day

Photo from Library of Congress. Notice images of mother and child, fashionable young woman and Santa Claus, and other papers papers on wall.

“I had to kill a hog a day to feed them boys of mine.”  I was impressed.  Mr. Rose’s boys were grown and  gone, but I couldn’t get that image out of my mine as I looked around at the house the old man  shared with Miss Bessie.  Kids have the luxury of not having the responsibility of conversation, so I could enjoy the whole experience of listening, hospitality, and looking at everything as much as I liked, as long as I didn’t touch anything.  Believe me, I was not tempted to touch with both my parents vigilantly looking on.  The room was fascinating, but I did wish I could see those boys who could eat a hog a day.

No rug covered the white pine floor. Old newspapers and magazine pages were tacked  on the exterior walls of the room with no regard for their orientation served as wallpaper.  The loveliest was a beautiful young woman with blonde curls piled high on her head.  She wore a blue gingham dress with ruffled sleeves and carried an equally beautiful ham on a large platter.  That gorgeous ham was crisscrossed with slashes and garnished with pineapple slices, maraschino cherries, and cloves.  I practically salivated at its loveliness.  Its charm was enhanced by the fact that the image had been tacked upside down.  Somehow, seeing it upside down made it more memorable.  Though I have tried many times, I have never prepared a ham so lovely.

A large fireplace made of red iron ore rock centered one end of the sitting room.  The brick hearth extended out a few feet into the the  room.  Miss Bessie invited me and my brother to sit on the hearth and warm up.  I sat flat at a safe distance from the glowing embers.  Its waxy-looking orange and yellow coals looked alive.  I couldn’t look away from the story they seemed to be whispering to me.  Though the conversation was fascinating, both me and my brother eventually nodded stretched out on the heat-soaked hearth before the glowing fire in the way only a small child could.  I know now, Mother had to have had her eye on me to keep me safe from the fire.

Before dozing off, I heard Mr. Rose tell of the night the house almost caught fire.  He must have thought I was asleep or he’d never have told of being naked, a thrilling tidbit..  “It was way over in January, the coldest night of the year.  I banked the fire real good like I always do.  We was in bed soon as Bessie got the kitchen cleaned up, right after dark.  Seems like the cold went right through me.  I just couldn’t wait to git under them quilts.  I always slept naked, I don’t know why.  I just got the habit early and never changed it.  Anyway, I was dead asleep and Bessie woke me up.

‘Grady, git up!  I smell smoke.  The house is on fire!’

“I jumped out of that bed!  Sure enough, I smelled pine burning.  I seen where a spark had done dropped down where some mortar had fell down n the back of the firebox between a hole in the bricks.  I clumb  under the house and found where it had set the pine sleeper that run under the floor on fire.  They warn’t no flames yet, but it was getting ready to bust out.  I called Bessie to bring me a bucket of water.  She come flying up and instead of passing it to me, she doused me with that bucket of water.  I mean to tell you I put that fire out!”

Co-worker’s Piano Sale with Kid’s Surprising Reaction

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Bud’s co-worker’s in-laws were spending the summer on a job in Alaska.  They’d arranged for Steve their son-in-law to sell their piano for them in their absence.  Steve recruited Bud and several others to help him load it.  My eight-year-old son, John, tagged along.  When the troop got to his inlaw’s house, Steve realized he’d forgotten his key, necessitating a climb through the window.

John watched open-mouthed as Steve wiggled through the kitchen window and opened the front door for the rest of the crew.  They made quick work of loading the piano into the truck.  Apparently, Bud hadn’t gotten around to explaining the plan to John.  As they struggled, John tugged on Bud’s coattail.  “Dad, where are the folks who own the house?”

“They are working in Alaska, son.”

“Well, why are we stealing their furniture?”

Happy Things

List 30 things that make you happy.

1. Family

2. Home

3. Dogs

4. Friends

5. Writing

6. Reading

7. Sunshine

8. Flowers

9. Being outdoors

10. Travel

11 Laughing

12. Cooking

13. Helping

14. Someone else cleaning my house

15. Summer rain

16. Wind

17. Lemon

18. Fruit

19. Witty kids

20. Cooking for loved ones

21. Making gifts

22. Visiting my children

23. The beach

24. The mountains

25. Folk music

26. Classical music

27. Good friends

28. Good times

29. Ice cream

30. WordPress