Month: August 2024

Right Now

How are you feeling right now?

Right now, I feel good. I was wide awake at one thirty, so I got up to write. I love it when writing kicks me out of bed! For so many years my soul was yearning to write but I was caught up in what had to be done. I was married with two children. Bud and I worked alternate shifts to care for them. I suppose I did write a lot out of necessity, now that I think of it. We both wrote a lot of notes.

“Make sure Kate doesn’t get off without her $12 dollars and permission form for the field trip. It’s in an envelope in her backpack. She has to wear that red Tshirt and white pants I left on her dresser. Don’t let John get off without a belt. He got a warning note yesterday. Matt Ford’s mother is going to drop him off for a ride to bus stop if it’s raining. Remind kids to get lunch money out of cup in kitchen window. I left a roast in crockpot for dinner. Please make sure it’s heating up before you lie down. Please have kids fold towels in dryer. Love you.”

I’d find a note from Bud when I got in. He would have just lain down for a late nap after the kids got in from school.

“John has to turn in his book report tomorrow! Don’t let him go out doors till he finishes it. He will get an F! I washed a load of jeans. They’re still in dryer. I forgot to call you, we need bread, milk, apples, and Kate needs posterboard. Can you run to Walmart? Sorry. She didn’t tell me till I was getting ready to lie down. Love you.”

Now the kids are long grown, we are both retired so I write what and when I want. Everything in its time.

Lawyer Jokes

From Law Review

Joke 1:

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.” “Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re 82.” “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”

Joke 2:

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Joke 3:

One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

Joke 4:

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

Joke 5:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

Joke 6:

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

Joke 7:

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

Joke 8:

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

Joke 9:

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”

Joke 10:

How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three. All the rest are true stories.

Little Blue Hoodie

img_1577I crocheted this cute little hoodie over the weekend.  It cost about twenty dollars, only about one-third more than I could have bought it for.  Now, that’s a deal, isn’t it?  Oh yes, the bottom edges in front do line up.  I am just a careless photographer.

Crochet Projects

Crocheted sweater
Crocheted basket full of crocheted afghans
Crocheted socks
Pink sweater I made my granddaughter. She loved it!
You can see my dog loves this bright, striped afghan.
I have made many of these crocheted baskets for gifts.

You can crochet anything you can knit. You don’t have to content yourself with afghans.

Hiss in the Dark

Late one night, my son was in the garage unlocking the back door without turning the light on. He heard the cat eating, so reached down to pet her.  He was rewarded with a horrible hiss. Flipping the light on, he found he’d disturbed a mother possom, with numerous babies on board, dining at the cat’s bowl.  Snatching his hand backhe found it nasty and greasy.  It appeared the possom was still filthy from feeding on roadkill.  He insisted, though he washed over and over, he couldn’t get the odor off.  Oh, the babies hissed,too.

Time for Myself

What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?

I am fortunate to be at that time in my life when most of my time is my own. I get my housekeeping out of the way early so I do what I want the rest of the day. I putter with my plants, garden when it’s not too hot, crochet, cook, write, read, or visit my ninety-six year old Mother. We are homebodies but occasionally, Bud and I go out to breakfast or lunch with friends. I think it’s timing rather than habit that improved my quality of life.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Daddy’s insistence on respect from his family made it all the more rewarding when indignities befell him. Daddy was the first the see humor when we found ourselves in awkward or embarrassing situations, but did not like being the butt of jokes. Naturally, we loved seeing him embarrass himself. Daddy worked alternating shifts at the paper mill. Continue reading →

Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

My husband I are both retired RNs so we frequently spot errors in commercials.  The other evening, one of those frequent “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” commercials came on.

Bud watched the poor woman intently for a moment and said, “I know damn good and well she didn’t fall.  She didn’t piss her pants.”

He knows whereof he speaks, having worked on a physical rehab floor for more than twenty years.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.” The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says “OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade.”

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

A: Hailing taxis!

Q: What’s the difference between a Ferrari and six trash bags full of recyclable cans?

A: I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

A truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway, amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours strait

Robin: The cars not working 

Batman: Did you check the battery?

Robin: Whats a tery?

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: “Robin, get in the car.”

Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds they were in a fist-fight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

Q: What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind before it hits the windshield?

A: Its butt.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Q: What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?

A: A miracle.

Q: What’s the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?

A: You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards.

On a trip to America, Pope Francis lands in New York City and gets picked up by a white stretch limousine. “You know,” the Pontiff says, “I hardly ever get to drive anymore. Any chance I could take the wheel?”

The driver hems and haws for a minute but he’s supposed to see to the Pope’s every want and need. “Yeah, ok,” the driver says. “I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

The Pope pulls away from the curb and buries the gas pedal right to the floor mat. He’s darting in and out of city traffic and drifting the limo around corners.

A motorcycle cop sees the limo coming and pulls it over. The driver’s window slides silently into the door and the cop is standing face to face with the Pope. The officer walks to his bike and and calls the Chief.

The cop says “I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s somebody REALLY important.”

“Important like the mayor?” the Chief asks.

“Nope,” the cop says. “More important than that.”

“Important like the governor?” says the Chief.

“Way more important than that,” says the cop.

“Like the president?” the Chief asks.

“Much more important.”

“Well, who’s more important than the president?” asks the Chief.

“I don’t know,” says the cop, “but the Pope is driving him.”

Many years ago we were cruising around Cambridge with Ray Magliozzi from Car Talk.

We came up to a light that just turned red and instead of slowing down, Ray put his foot right to the floor. I yelled out “Ray, you’re going to get us killed!”

Ray laughs and says “Take it easy, man, Tommy drives like this.”

We hit another red light and Ray blazes right through. “Seriously, we’re going die!” I screamed. 

“Relax this is how Tommy drives.”

Finally, we come to a green light he stops dead and looks both ways.

“Ray, what are you doing?” I asked.

He looked at me and said “Tommy might be coming the other way.”