Month: August 2024

Camping Lessons: Spare Glasses Saved Me from Disaster

   image Dirty Dog

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We just got back from camping on the Gulf Coast.  We had fun and I learned a couple of things. First of all, if you think you might fall and bust your fanny, carry your extra glasses.  I was standing behind the trailer trying to wave Bud in as he backed the trailer up and Buzzy wrapped me in his leash, plopping me flat on my keester. I fell flat, banging right on my glasses.   I hadn’t gotten in Bud’s line of vision yet, so he thought I’d wandered off, as I am prone to do.  He continued backing up, but fortunately I was able to get out of the way before he flattened me.

Although the fall did kill my glasses, I escaped.  I was worried whether I would have a black eye, but luckily I didn’t.  If I had, I would have to have blacked both Bud’s eyes or I would have been ashamed to be seen when we met friends later.  I was able to get the frames replaced, using the same lenses.  What a relief.  I had dreaded trying to get by with just reading glasses till I could get new ones made.  I will never go off without a spare again.

Buzzy had a fine time camping as always.  We patrolled the camp several times a day.  He got to meet new dogs, see an alligator, smell the Gulf, roll in some different flavors of mud, walk on the beach, and sleep in the camper.  His favorite part of camping is sitting on the bench seat between us at meals.  He doesn’t get a place at the table at home.

Stupid Camping Jokes

1. DON’T BE ALARMED
Q: Did you hear about the kid napping in the woods?

A: It’s okay. He woke up.

2. THANKS PASTOR
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. “From what I hear about your aim,” said the Pastor, “It’s a sin for you to hunt any time.”

3. TENT VS TOAD
Q: Can a frog jump higher than an average tent?

A: Of course, an average tent can’t jump!

4. NEXT TIME SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three time up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three times up into the air every hour on the hour.

The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Why didn’t you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “I did! I fired three times up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

5. DOUBLE ENTENDRE
Clean Camping JokesQ: What’s another name for a sleeping bag?

A: A nap sack

6. NATURES COLORS
Q. What is the color of the wind?

A. Blew.

7. I’LL HAVE A NUMBER 2
Q: What do bears call campers in sleeping bags?

A: Soft Tacos

8. IT’S SIMPLE MATH
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”

9. NEW FRIENDSHIPS
A spider was in my tent and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of squashing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Related: Best Backpacking Sleeping Bag Under 100 Dollars

10. AN EGGCELLENT TIME OF YEAR
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love camping autumn?

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.Funny Camping Jokes clean

11. AWE SHUCKS
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the lakes’s bottom.

12. AMEN
Two guys are walking through a national park & they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.

The bear sees the two men, and starts chasing them.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the bear is still chasing and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.

As he comes closer to the bear, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

13. DIY HEATER
If you ever get cold while camping, just stand in the corner of a tent for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

14. A BIT ONE SIDED
Did you hear about the camper who broke his left leg and left arm? He’s all right now.

15. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had six deer.

“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot.

Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”

After going back and forth for a few minutes, the pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest.

Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”

The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

camping jokes clean 16. PACKING LIGHT
Q: If you have 5 tents in one hand and 3 sleeping bags in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

17. A HIKERS EGO
How many hikers does it take to hike Mount Everest? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”

18. ANTICLIMACTIC
Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft deer stand.”

Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”

Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”

19. SNIFF SNIFF
Q: What do you call a camper without a nose or a body?

A: Nobodynose.

20. MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEONE ELSE
A man walks out of his tent one day and sees a fox in the tree in front of his campsite. Unsure of what to do, he calls animal control. About an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a taser.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the fox out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the fox is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to attack anything that falls from the tree.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the taser for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the fox, shoot the dog.”

Related: Best Hammock Underquilt 

21. NEXT TIME JUST SAY HEY
Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?

A: Wave.

22. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.”

23. GON’ FISHING
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

24. PRECIPITATION
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

25. SHOULDA STUCK TO THE BOOK
A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”

26. GOOD SIGNALcampfire jokes
Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

27. A HARSH REALITY
One time an adventurer paddling on a northern river got cold and lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

28. NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR
Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth

A. A gummy bear

29. THE RELIGIOUS SKUNKS
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a bow. “I hope he’s not going to get at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”

30. BAIT AND SWITCH
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

31. HIDE THE PICNIC BASKET
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

32. ROUGHING IT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

A Hog a Day Part 19

Image courtesy of Pixabay

I’ve got to end this series, since it is the basis of my next book and I don’t want to give it away but there are so many stories I want to share.  One is about a suicide and a mean Christian.

Mrs Rivers was as old as the hills. I believe she was born that way.   Widowed more than forty years, no one ever spoke of her husband.  It was impossible for me to imagine anyone could have ever wanted to marry her, as unpleasant as she appeared.  Still living in the house where  she raised her children, her son had built a house on her lot. My mother often remarked she’d be a trial as a mother-in-law as we drove  by and saw her dressed in a dark, long-sleeved dress and sun bonnet working her garden with a push plow. I’m sure she refused her son’s offer to plow her garden, because no one would have expected someone that old to plow.

Old Lady Rivers, as she was known, was a practicing Pentecostal, though she attended the Baptist Church just across the road from her house and interfered with its runnings as much as she was able.  While she didn’t have a vote, she did have opinions and battered the faithful with them as often as possible.  She was the first at services, wakes, and funerals, eager to share “how they took it” and why.  Never losing track of when a marriage was made, she was the first to predict should a baby appear to be coming “too soon.”

She was a skilled craftsman of gossip, eager to bear bad news or scandal. In the days before telephones were common in our rural community, it could be a challenge to get messages to people in a timely manner.   One sad day, a poor old gentlemen shot himself in the head out by his mailbox. His panicked wife called her son from next door for help.  The son covered his father with a sheet, but left the body lying awaiting the sheriff. A neighbor hurried to a local store to call the school principal to intercept his daughter, Alice Fay,  a school bus driver, before she left school with a bus load of children.  Sadly, they missed her by about fifteen minutes.  The principal summoned the coach and together, they hurried to catch up, hoping to spare her happening up on the grisly scene at her parent’s home, not realizing a couple of her stops had been eliminated.  He was behind her at every stop.

Old Lady Rivers heard the news before the bus was due.  She waited on the porch and puffed her way out to flag Alice Faye’s bus down.  The principal skidded to a stop behind the bus just as Alice Fay opened the bus door to see what the excited old lady wanted, Mrs. Rivers propped herself on her cane and announced, “Alice Faye, yore daddy done shot hisself in the head! God help him, he’s going to Hell for shore!”

Alice Faye reacted, as you might expect, erupting into hysterical tears as the principal and coach rushed up to comfort her and restore order to the traumatized children, three of whom were Alice Faye’s.  It was a horrendous situation.  The principal drove Alice Faye and her children home, and the coach finished the bus route on that awful day.  It was a shocking announcement of tragedy Alice Faye and her children could have been spared.

The Case of the Mysterious Spotted Dog Murder

Our life with Annie, our surly, farting Dalmatian was complicated by her partner in crime, Greg, the ever-present kid from across the street.  I use ever-present in the strictest sense.  Greg’s mom worked nights.  In a casual relationship never addressed by any of us, Greg made a beeline to our house as soon as he got home every day, hit the pantry for a snack, and let Annie out of prison.  Greg was well known for investigating our premises, keeping himself abreast of what all that was going on at our house, while he dawdled about, picking things up, questioning, “What’s this?  When did you get this?”   We’d chat about his day.  Afterwards, he and Annie would go off on a ramble, since we lived in a rural neighborhood with many large wooded areas. They were a common sight, known all over the neighborhood.

At any rate, one afternoon he and Annie stumbled on a construction site, just as a human skull was unearthed.  Naturally, the ensuing hub bub was tremendous. With law enforcement and news crews arriving, Greg and Annie managed to be front and center, part of the big story. Greg was ecstatic, carrying the news all over the neighborhood, taking full credit for the entire situation.  Anxious to milk the situation for all it was worth, Greg made a hasty trip back to our house to retrieve a gag item of my daughter’s, a dummy arm and hand intended to hang from the trunk of a vehicle, giving the impression of a body is in the trunk.

Returning to the wooded area near the site of all the excitement, Greg tossed the “arm” to Annie, initiating her favorite game of “keepaway.”  Annie burst from the woods, arm in her mouth, ripping through the yellow crime scene tape.  Greg was right behind her, yelling his head off. It was like a scene out of a Monty Python movie. Annie, no novice, at being chased by shouting strangers, headed home, dragging the incriminating arm.  Winded, she scratched at the back door, still clinging to her prize.  Shortly, she was followed by Greg and a bevy of law enforcement officers, asking to see the arm.  She’d hidden in the bedroom, reluctant to part with such a desirable prize, but I brought it out for their examination.  I was so glad not to be Greg’s parent that day.

Oh, the skull turned out to be that of a Native American who’d probably died more than one hundred years before.

Not Quite the Proverbial Turd in the Punchbowl

Pooping with Brian

Clothilde

Where did your name come from?

Linda was the second most common girl’s name in 1950, bested only by Mary. Every classroom was populated with Lindas and its rhyming cousins, Glenda and Brenda. I wasn’t ashamed to be Linda.

I when I got older and learned I’d been threatened with the horrific name, Clothilde, I was grateful to be just plain old Linda. I was one of four girls. Each time a daughter was born, Daddy offered up his favorite girl name, Clothilde. It seems that when he was a starving child growing up in the depths of The Great Depression, his family had share-cropped on the farm of Mr. Ward. Daddy forever remembered his daughter, the beauteous Clothilde, hence, his love of that name.

No matter what my mother ever did or will do to me, I will be forever grateful she didn’t let Daddy saddle me with the name Clothilde!

First Grade School Picture

Slipped Away!

This story seems to be too complicated to be true, but it is. It looked like my mother had to tried to set my dad up but she was never organized enough for this. Daddy had worked graveyard shift, so was settling in for his day sleep. The last thing Daddy told her before lying down was that he was expecting a “man to come see him about a dog.” Knowing Mother had business to attend to that day, he was expecting the man to honk his horn to wake him.
Expecting Daddy to sleep a while, Mother took the opportunity to finish waxing the hall before leaving. Sure it would be dry before Daddy had to get up.

Her waxing done, Mother headed out the door. When she got to the end of the two-hundred-yard long driveway, Mother’s path was blocked by a complacent cow. Frustrated, Mother edged closer to cud-chewing old Bessie, who regarded Mother sagely. Bessie was unconcerned. Not to be bested by a cow, Mother laid down on the horn till Bessie got out of the way.

Meanwhile, back at the house Daddy lay lightly snoozing, mindful that he was listening for the horn-blowing signal of his friend. Hearing Mother’s distant horn blast, he jumped out of bed, struggled into his pants and launched down the recently waxed hall. It was slick as a gut. Head over heels, he slid the length of that hall on his butt, only to get to the window just in time to see Mother’s car disappearing in the distance. Muttering angrily, he headed back to bed.

Later that day, Mother arrived home just before Daddy’s visitor. Seating the man, she put the coffee on before going to rouse Daddy. Headed down the hall to wake him, she was surprised to see the wide unwaxed stretch right down the middle of the hall. The timing probably saved her life. When Daddy launched into the story of of the trap Mother had set and his perilous slide down the hall, his buddy laughed so hard at him, they all had a big laugh.

That’s probably the only thing that saved Mother’s life.

Jokes

Daily Joke: A man and an ostrich walked into a restaurant

Rachael Rosel

Oct 26, 2020

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. Source: Getty.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”

And the ostrich says: “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer: “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

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“That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks: “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers: “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A young woman went to the doctor

A young woman said to her doctor: “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”

“What do you mean?” said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: “Ow, that hurts!”

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even that hurts!”

The doctor took a second to examine the woman before standing back and making his decision.

“Ah yes, I know what it is,” he said. “You have a sprained finger.”

Two elderly women were driving in their car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said: “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”

A Hog a Day Part 18

Photo shows girls dressed in styles reminiscent of dresses I wore in  the 1950’s

children wearing pink ball dress

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Church clothes were special.  Starch was the order of the day: crisp shirts for Daddy and Billy, frilly homemade dresses for the girls, shirtwaists for mother. While still wet from the wash, clothes were dipped in a dishpan of boiled starch and allowed to almost dry before being rolled in a tight ball and stuffed in a pillowcase in the freezer till time to iron. Should she miscalculate drying time, Mother sprinkled them with water from a stopper-topped coke bottle. I magnanimously gave her that sprinkler top for Christmas one year. It cost fifteen cents. Ironing was a huge job, so we had to hang up those fancy dresses the instant we got home. Tossing one in a heap on the bed or floor ensured real trouble. The rough armhole seams felt like razors if Mother forgot to crumple them before ironing. Even though I hated dresses, I have to admit they made an impressive show worn over full petticoats. Those lace and beribboned petticoats were a wonder to behold, way fancier than the dresses that covered them.

When I was little, before school started each year, we got five new dresses, most often homemade or rarely ordered from the Sears and Roebuck catalog. Billy got five shirts and three pair of pants. Besides that, we might get a gift of clothes at Christmas and Easter. I thought clothes made an awful gift. As kids were added to the family, the budget was stretched tighter and of course, we got less. Until I reached sixth grade, we could wear pants to school, a great boon on the playground and on cold days. The cold wind sailed under skirts, making frosty days a misery.

Dresses on the playground cut down on the fun of monkey bars, slides, and swings. I feared hearing boys sing out, “I see London. I see France. I see Linda’s underpants!” One day, I had the horrifying experience of catching my skirt tail at the top of the slide and reaching the bottom in only my slip and bodice, the red skirt left flying like a flag at the top. I was the object of hilarity as girls gathered round me to hide my shame as I skulked in for the teacher’s assistance. I expected her to send me home, but no. She pinned that skirt roughly back on and I had to finish out the day looking like a ragged sack of potatoes. A few times, I’d have a sash ripped off playing chase on the playground. Boy, was I in for it when I got home in a ruined dress! Three-cornered tears were the worst! Unlike rips, they couldn’t be mended.

I was always delighted to see someone else suffer a wardrobe humiliation. One Sunday evening, Brother Robert taught a class of young people before evening worship. Right off the bat, we noticed his open fly. I never paid such close attention to a lesson before, struggling not to look. I kept my eyes on his face, as did the rest of the class. He was a stern man. No one dared tell him. The instant class was over, he marched straight to the podium making ready for his sermon. One of the deacons did him the kindness of tipping him off. With a shocked look, he spun to zip his pants to the amusement of the choir filing in behind him. He had nowhere else to turn. It was lovely.

One Sunday morning a few years later, my sister Connie provided the entertainment for the service. She was sitting proudly near the front of the church with her new fiancé and his little niece, Amy. Connie was lovely in a beautiful yellow, spring dress. As the worshippers stood for a hymn, little Amy slid behind Connie, grasped the tail of Connie’s dress, and raised it as high as her tiny arms would reach, giving most of the congregation something truly inspiring amazing to consider, for which God made them truly grateful.

Motivation

What motivates you?

My early training still motivates me. Mother started us on chores early on. Long before I started school, Mother assigned me simple chores. Initially, I enjoyed it but my interest soon flagged. That didn’t matter. Mother would set a pile of washcloths before me and made it clear, their folding was my responsibility. I’d have to call for her approval before being released to play. Had I done a sloppy job, I’d be back to work. After enough times, it occurred to me I might as well get it right and be done. It would have been much easier for her to have done it herself but she stayed on point. Daddy reinforced Mother’s training.

Of course, as time went on and I faced other challenges, I had the benefit of my parent’s diligent training. I did well in school, got married, had children, became a nurse, and was prepared to face challenges daily. I wanted to be a good wife, mother, worker, boss, and friend. A well-ordered life was second nature. I am grateful for that motivation.