Month: August 2024

Fibbing Friday Questions this week from Melissa: How would you define these?

1. Ambidexter A yellow resinous substance that oozes from the famous Dexter Palm of Palmyra

    2. Blatherskite A buzzard that vomits copious amounts of ephemera

    3. Breviloquent A toxic politician who lies with ineloquence

    4. Crapulence A blast of breviloquence too smarmy to conceal

    5. Graumangere Famine resulting from fields contaminated with ergot fungi

    6. Grimoire Large armoire of ebony

    7. Illaudible classified information never to be subsequently unclassified

    8. Podsnappery lost art of perfectly snapping inescuable beans

    9. Poetaster A book worm that destroys ancient manuscripts

    10. Polemic Of the belugine lineage of Ptolomy the Great

    Contentment

    What positive emotion do you feel most often?

    Contentment is the positive emotion I feel most often. I am retired. My children are grown, my days routine. I am past the point of working hard, professional struggles, and daily stress. At the age of seventy-three, I’ve learned most upsets blow over if you let them. I spend my time doing a few necessary chores. As I went out before daylight to water my flowers, it occurred to me I was doing what my beloved grandmother was doing seventy years ago, puttering in my yard, and pretty much doing as I choose.

    Nag! Nag! Nag!

    Peggy Sue and her brother Clyde were in Mrs. Twiddle’s fourth grade class with me. Neither did well in school, but Clyde seemed to struggle more, already having been held back one year. I knew their family lived in an unfinished, unpainted house on my bus route , so I inferred they were poor.

    While the other fourth grade girls wore the usual little girl shoes with socks, Peggy Sue went sockless in black flats of the type worn by teenagers and women.

    For some reason, Mrs. Twiddle took issue with Peggy Sue’s shoes and lack of socks. Every morning, when checking attendance, the teacher lectured Peggy Sue about not wearing socks. I dreaded the lectures for Peggy Sue’s sake. A kinder person would have assumed the child simply had no socks and possibly discreetly supplied her with a few pair. The Twiddles owned a store and could have spared them. Instead, Mrs. Twiddle tormented her.

    I’ve never forgotten Mrs. Twiddle’s cruelty. I’m sure Peggy Sue hasn’t.

    A Hog a Day Part 13

    With eons of sermons stretching out before me, life looked grim. Occasionally, there was a bright spot.  Sometimes the preacher told a joke, though they were rarely really funny. I truly enjoyed church music, especially if it was something lively, like “Onward Christian Soldiers.” I sung along enthusically, though lots of the words didn’t make sense.  For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why we sang about laundry, as in “Bringing in the Sheets (Sheaves).” There was also a Christmas carol about laundry.  “While shepherds washed their socks by night (watched their flocks by night.)  I thought it odd, but so much adults did seemed odd.

    One special Sunday, God had a startling surprise in store for me. Mrs. Simmons, the pianist, brought her brother Eddie, a handsome young man, along to play the organ.  His boogie-woogie style hymns were a vast improvement over sedate hymns. I could see some of the old ladies exchanging shocked looks, but  I was entranced.  

    I was practically bouncing in the pew when suddenly he dropped to the floor in a seizure.  Mrs. Simmons shrieked and rushed to his side. He rallied and they trooped out, along with the rest of her family.  I was so jealous.  The preacher made an anemic attempt to salvage the service, but his flock was clearly anxious to get out and enjoy a good gossip.  I genuinely enjoyed church that day.

     

    Crows in the Corn

    We tangled with the crows last summer and came way out on the losing end. They patiently watched us plow, measure, make rows, and plant, showing special interest in the seeds we’d chosen. From their keen attention, we could see they were partial to sweet corn. They practically drooled when it came out of the bag. They watched patiently as we planted, then staked out our scarecrow complete with small twirling pie pans. Slightly interested, they eyed him from a distance, as though they might not have seen his identical twin earlier that day. By the time we got out to check our garden the next morning, all the corn was scratched up and the pie tins torn up. They’d been a little too big for the crows to fly off with. Bud cursed.

    Back to the seed store, we got a large plastic owl and inflatable snakes for the garden. Instead of planting that day, Bud risked his life getting the owl on a high branch not too far from the garden to terrorize the crows. They battled over who would roost on it that evening. More cursing and posturing.

    The next morning we replanted and scattered the inflatable snakes about the garden. The crows were impressed, circling the garden, giving the corn time to sprout. As it got taller, they showed greater attention, knowing the tiny tender kernel at the end of the shoot still remained. When Bud saw the crows braving the snakes to snatch shoots of corn, he’d had enough. Infuriated, he went for his shotgun. They disappeared the instant he walked out of the house with it. Trying to get the upper hand, went back in and brought it out in two pieces. They didn’t react to the disassembled shotgun, peacefully plucking corn shoots. He stood behind a tree to put it back together. The instant he snapped it together, they fled, obviously familiar that old trick. Determined not to be defeated, he went for his bow and arrows. What a waste of time!

    These crows were obviously smarter than we were. We abandoned our efforts to save the few pitiful shoots left as the smart alecks among them even took to flying off with our useless rubber snakes.

    I planted more corn in starter trays on the patio, determined to have corn. Once it got a few inches tall, we transplanted it to the garden. It thrived, growing tall and producing beautifully. We were looking forward to a bumper crop when a fox and her kits got into the garden and ate most of it in one night! They also loved our canteloupe. It’s good to be at one with nature!

    Corny Shoe and Sock Jokes

    • Why did the cobbler go to therapy? Because he had too many sole searching moments.
    • Why did the cobbler become an actor? He wanted to put his sole into every performance.

    The Soothing Humor of Socks

    Socks may often be the forgotten garment, but they have their own style of humor.

    • What did the hat say to the sock? I’ll go on ahead, you go on foot.
    •  My friend kept going on about what they should do with their new dresser. I told them to put a sock in it.
    •  I bumped into a friend and he asked, “Why are you wearing one red and one black sock? I said, “I don’t know, but I have another pair like this at home.”
    •  What did one sock say to the other in the dryer? I’ll see you next time around.

    Lacing Up Some Shoe Jokes

    The right pair of shoes can make for some brilliant humor.

    • What shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
    • What kind of shoes do plumbers love. Clogs
    • What kind of jokes do shoes tell? Knot Knot jokes.
    • How do you know when it’s time to buy new shoes? When you stand on a penny and can tell if it’s heads or tails.

    The High Heel of Humor

    High fashion gives way to high humor with these puns and one-liners about heels.

    • What kind of shoes does someone wear when they are dissecting a frog? Open-toad.
    • What do you tell a dog in pumps? Heel.

     

    The Flip-Flop of Funnies

    Even the beachiest shoes have plenty of jokes in their soles.

    • What is a flip-flops favorite movie? Sixteen Sandles.

     

    Embracing the Boot-iful World of Boot Jokes

    Boots might be built for walking, but these jokes will have you running with laughter.

    • “How do you warm your feet with a group of boots? You give them a toe-ster!”
    • “Where do shoes go during summer vacation? Boot camp!” 

    The Sneaky World of Sneaker Jokes

    Sneakers aren’t just for the gym – they’re also for the funny bone.

    • What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeekers.
    • What do you call a sneaker that can sing? A “sole” singer!  

    Blonde Jokes

    A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

    “I need to take that walkman off your head,” says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

    “You can’t! I’ll die!” retorts the blonde.

    “I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!” says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

    “I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!”

    The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating “breath in, breath out, breath in”

    Why do blondes wear pony tails? To hide the air valve.

    A blonde called up her boyfriend one day with a problem. She was trying to put together jigsaw puzzle. 

    She said, ” It’s a picture of a big rooster, and I can’t get any of the pieces together. None of the edge pieces will fit, Would you please come over and help”

    When the boy friend arrived, he took one look at the table and said, “Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box”

    What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth.

    What did the blonde say the first time she saw a YMCA? Look, they spelled Macy’s wrong.

    Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

    Goals

    How do you plan your goals?

    I prioritize my goals into needs and wants. I need to take care of my mother, my house, my dogs, and write. Those things come first.

    I want to enjoy the outdoors, take trips, camp, crochet, spend time with family and friends, and do some things just for my spirit. Those things are necessary for a good life, but come after needs are met.

    Quick and Easy Way to Retire Comfortably

    Don’t borrow money to live on while you go to school. If you must borrow, borrow only enough for tuition and books. You don’t need cable TV, Fancy cell phone plans, money for eating out or partying. If possible get a dependable roommate. If you work steadily, you won’t need entertainment. Peanut butter, whole wheat bread, and beans are nutritious, high protein foods, and you can keep them in a metal lockbox in your room if your roommate is a moocher.

    Buy your clothes at resale shops and Goodwill if you don’t have cash. You don’t need as many as you think, especially if you don’t eat out and party. Take a job, any job, until you get one that pays better. Never quit one job till you have another.  If your boss is an idiot, keep your mouth shut.  If he really is stupid, he will undo himself without your help.

    Live without credit cards.  You will probably have to finance your first vehicle.  Get a sturdy used car and drive it as long as you can.  Luxury vehicles are for people with cash and those who plan to go bankrupt.

    Start out with a small house.  Pay more than the principle every month.  Don’t upgrade till you have sufficient equity and cash. If you are a couple, make sure one of you can make the note if the other is out of a job or out of the picture.  It happens.

    Do without whatever you can’t pay cash for.  You need less than you think. Take care of your vehicles and drive them as long as you can.  Cook at home except for special occasions.  Get a freezer and buy on sale.  Enroll in a retirement plan as soon as you get a steady job at the highest rate you can afford.  Increase your investment every time you get a raise.  Chances are, the tax withholdings will make you bring home a lot more than you thought.

    Take the vacation you can afford.  Short days trips to the zoo and local attractions and camping, run far less than cruises and Disneyworld.  Kids love this stuff.

    When the kids are little, if you have the opportunity, work alternate shifts so one parent is with the kids as much as possible.  You will save a fortune on daycare and have a better idea of what is going on.  Teach kids the difference in what they want and what they need.  It’s a good reminder for them and you.

    Decrease your expectations.  You don’t need all that stuff.  Nobody cares, and if they do, find new friends.

    Did I say it was quick and easy?  I guess I was thinking in geological terms.