Afternoon Funny

 

 

lawXmas-cart-2lawyer-cat A divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”. But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.” The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”. St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”. The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”. St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

 

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.” The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!” The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

Nurses’s Hands

Nurse’s hands are not known for their beauty. More than likely, they are dry, being washed dozens of times a day. Frequent use of lotion can not keep these skilled hands supple and dewy. Nails are most often short, since longer nails interfere with the sensitive touch necessary to perform care. Longer nails are a detriment to gloves essential to protect both nurse, patient, and the environment.

Here you see a man’s strong hands that have cared for so many critically ill patients. Their strength gives no hint of the arthritis he endures daily as he cares for patients. His patients never know os of pain.

This is my hand with its square palm and short ringless fingers. Even though I’ve been retired for years, I find longer nails interfere with my daily tasks. My hands cared for countless patients and charted thousands of words.

This young nurse’s hands are remarkable for their youth and beauty, showing her recent manicure. Nevertheless, as I watched her at work, I was grateful to see her compliance with gloving and handwashing. She professionally and expertly administered my immunizations.

A compassionate nurse comforts an aged patient here. That may be the strongest medicine she has to offer. Many times I sang or talked to my comatose patients, not knowing whether or not I was heard. Numerous times, I’ve had a dying patient call me “Mama.” I never corrected them, thinking perhaps they were seeing Mama.

Details

What details of your life could you pay more attention to?

This is an unlikely prompt for me. At my stage in life, I do exactly as I please. It’s unlikely that I will pay more attention to any details of my life.

Fluffy, the Species Confused Chicken

My little sisters, Connie and Marilyn, raised their baby chick, Fluffy, in a cloth-lined box in the living room. He spent his nights in their room, going to sleep as soon as they covered his sweet, little head. He woke them early in the morning, peeping around looking for them. Cleaning up after him wasn’t really a big problem while he was a tiny chick. Fluffy spent his days with them, peeping and later clucking, right behind them.

As he got older, naturally he ate more, and made bigger messes, and was ushered outdoors. From then on , he longed for the warm times he’d shared with his “real family.” He ran to Connie and Marilyn as soon as they came outdoors, never leaving their sides. When they went in for meals or for the night, he hopped up the nearest window ledge and watched them mournfully. Thankfully, when his hormones kicked in, Fluffy noticed the lovely hens in our flock, and Connie and Marilyn were history. He didn’t even give them a look when they walked outdoors.

However, as Fluffy matured, he did suffer some social confusion. He quit yearning for the girl’s company, but he did not like them for them to ride Sugar, their horse, with a saddle. He had no problem with bareback riding, but when they saddled up to ride, he ran along beside Sugar, jumping up to attack the saddle. They had to run Sugar to get away from his crazed attacks.

Daddy had a mixed-breed dog who was especially aggressive when hunting wild hogs, grabbing them by the ear and wrestling them to the ground. He had never behaved aggressively toward people, but Daddy was concerned about the possibility, so he kept Sutter penned in a big pen with a snug doghouse. He hung a heavy burlap bag over the open door to shield his dog from the cold and wet. Sutter loved his doghouse and lay proudly with only his head sticking out in wintery weather. One night in the spring, during a heavy thunderstorm, we heard howling from Sutter’s pen. Daddy checked on his fine dog and found that Fluffy had faced him off and stood proudly in the door, dry as dust, while Sutter stood crying in the rain. Daddy was disgusted and left them to work it out.

 

Funny one-liners

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

12. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

Cold Comfort

Poor Uncle Joe was dying.  No doubt about it.  He’d been in bed for days, getting weaker and weaker.  Family “sat” with him around the clock.  Cousin Frank who’d been sitting for hours, finally just had to slip out to the bathroom.  Uncle Joe opened his eyes for the first time in days.  He smelled apple pie.  He was hungry!!  He just had to have some pie.

“Sally.  Sally”  No answer.  That pie was calling him.  With his last strength, he slid out of bed, so weak he melted to the floor.  Creeping on hands and knees, he finally made it down the long hall to the kitchen.  As he pulled up to the table and reached for the pie, Aunt Sally turned and smacked his hand, “Leave that alone, you old goat!  That’s for the funeral!”

I’m Pretty Sure I Used to be Cooler

Fifty years ago I’d never have enjoyed sitting around on a Sunday afternoon drinking homemade muscadine wine and eating cold cornbread. My standards have fallen! My little dog is helping with the cornbread. Oh, and it was only one glass!

A Humorous Wedding Night Confession

On our Wedding night my wife made me promise to never look in her bottom bed stand drawer and I kept it faithfully for the first 27 years I preached … during that year she went on vacation and being left alone … I just could not resist … I peaked … and there was 6 eggs and over $500 dollars ???

I was so ashamed of myself … I was eaten up with curiosity and guilt … I just had to confess to her as soon as she got back.She was such an angel … she readily forgave me and I just had to ask what the 6 eggs were for:

She said every time you preach a bad sermon I put an egg in the drawer from our own chickens.

I thought 27 years 1 Sunday school, 2 Worship service 3 Sunday evening Worship and 4 Wednesday night times 27 years … sounds about right to me but what about the over $500 dollars ?

She said: every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them ! 

Minutiae

What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?

Tomorrow, I have to concentrate more n several small tasks that have piled up. I have to go to the post office, pay a bill, take a package to UPS, pick up a prescription, order groceries, and probably attend to a couple of other tasks I’ve forgotten. Whew! That’s starting to sound like a lot!