Marriage

Bob was a very keen angler, but he eventually found time to meet a lovely girl and they were married. After the honeymoon, Bob was in his garage sorting out reels when his new wife came in to watch him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: “Darling, I’ve just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don’t need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and you could think about selling some of your fishing stuff … like do you need all those rods, lures, old reel parts and smelly nets. You could sell that tatty boat and with the money we could have a new bathroom.”

A horrified look crept over Bob’s face and silently stared at her. She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Bob replied, “I wasn’t…”

Two fishing mates

Bill and Pete are fishing together. Pete is unusually quiet and lost in thought.

“What’s up Pete” asks Bill.

“The wife and I had a row about how much time I spent fishing. She hasn’t spoken to me for days since. I’m thinking of getting a divorce.”

“Don’t be too hasty,” replied Bill. “Women like that are hard to find.”

Heavenly Fishing

Two buddies were fishing together.

“Do you think you can go fishing in Heaven?” asked Bill.

“I don’t know” said Joe, “but here’s an idea – the first of us that gets there should let the other one know.”

A few months passed and Bill dropped dead with a sudden heart attack. Joe carried on going fishing on his own and one day he heard a voice,

“Helloooooo Joe.”

“Who’s that?”

“It’s Bill. You can’t see me, but I can see you.”

“Bill, tell me” said Joe, “can you go fishing in heaven?”

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can fish every day if we like. The bad news is that you are fishing in our competition tomorrow.”

 Who can relate to this?

One Liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

“Our mate Dave was drowned. For the funeral we have a wreath made in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.”

“Have you heard about the French existentialist seagull? It flies around and says (squeaky voice) “pourquoi?”

 Bad Weather Fishing

Very early one Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly so as not to wake his wife, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the 4×4. Coming out of his garage he finds the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his 4×4 back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible”. To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”

The Fishing Priest

Father Michael was an avid fisherman, and whenever he was not fulfilling his priestly duties he would be out on the lough. One summer (2008) there had been weeks of stormy weather and he hadn’t been able to go fishing at all. He was desperate. One morning, the day dawned calm and mild: he could go. But – it was Sunday! He was supposed to be taking Mass in the church. “I know”, he thought. “I’ll pretend I have the ‘flu and Father O’Leary can take Mass for me. I’ll drive 50 miles to a river where I am not known, and have my day’s fishing.”

So that is what he did. However, he could not hide from God. One of the angels spotted him, and immediately snitched on him to God. God peered through the clouds and frowned.

“Are you going to punish him?” asked the angel. God nodded. The angel watched, expecting Father Michael to step in a wasp’s nest or fall in the river. Suddenly, Father Michael struck into a massive fish, and after a lengthy struggle the fish was on the bank. It was a huge salmon, almost certainly a record.

“But…I thought you were going to punish him?” asked the angel.

“I did,” said God. “Now who can he tell?”

Obituary

Doreen’s husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt’s obituary to read.

Doreen asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?”
The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.”
Doreen then said, “I want the obituary to read – MATT IS DEAD.”
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.”
Doreen’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”