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Sauce for the Goose

noteIt’s been more than fifty years and my brother Bill still has nose out of joint over a little goose bite that he suffered way back in first grade.  Hard to imagine holding a grudge against poultry that long.  Billy was Daddy’s shadow, making every step he made.  Though I was normally with them, somehow I missed this day.  Had I not discovered a note  very much like this he wrote to his friend, Donnie, I’d never have learned of his misfortune.

On this particular day, Daddy and Uncle Dunc swapped lies over coffee on the high front porch of Uncle Dunc’s place while Billy played with the twins, Fats and Little Boy on the hard-packed clay underneath. Despite the descriptive names, I couldn’t tell the boys apart.  The decrepit, unpainted house might have been sound at some point in the distant past, but it wouldn’t have withstood much of a windstorm now.  The corners perched crazily on stacked piles of iron-ore rocks, oxidizing to dust in the weather.  Chickens, ducks, and geese roamed freely over the yard and under the porch.  We were warned to watch for snakes in the shadows under the porch, but a far greater danger was the ever-present foulness left behind by the numerous fowl pursuing insects into the shade.

Daddy called out to Billy, “Son, go get me a pack of Camels off the dash of my truck.”

Unhappily for Billy, as he trotted toward the truck on his mission, he made an attractive target for an aggressive gander patrolling the yard.  Honking, the monster pursued Billy, chomping down on the backside of his jeans.  As poor Billy fled, the goose hung on tightly and flogged him roundly.  Of course, Daddy rescued him, but it must have seemed like it took forever, as the kids and adults all around him laughed at his misery.   He came home sporting a big bruise and a lifelong dislike of geese.

What’s Important!

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

Wouldn’t it be a gift to be born knowing the opinion of one’s peers mattered little? So much of the angst of learning your way would be relieved. Often, a person wastes that time unlearning the basic rules learned as a child. Kindness, empathy, and decency may be discarded in pursuit of fun, friendship, and ambition. It’s good to mature and be authentic.

Mice Tales

I confess I once committed a grave sin. When my son was in the sixth grade, he had a science fair project. For once we planned ahead. His premise was “Sugar makes mice hyperactive.” We purchased eight white mice, dividing them into two cages. One group got sugar. The other didn’t. John monitored each groups activities for a few minutes daily.

There wasn’t much to watch. During the day, the mice mostly burrowed under the shredded paper in the cage. Some days later, it became abundantly clear there had been plenty going on under that shredded paper. Little mice started slipping through the wires of the cages to cavort around.

Horrified at the population explosion, I shut the experiment down. “These mice have to go! Hurriedly, we gathered up both cages of mice to put them outdoors till we came up with a solution. Fortunately, the babies scurried back to their mamas.

Providentially, a neighbor kid stopped by as we were pondering what to do. By this time John was thoroughly tired of the whole problem. “What are you gonna do with ’em?” he asked.

I don’t know but we can’t keep them in the house.” I answered.

Heaven smiled. “Can I have’em?” he asked.

I didn’t think twice. I didn’t tell him to call his mom. “John, help Stevie take these mice home.”

I hope I can one day be forgiven.

Irish Jokes

Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died…

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

What’s the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women…

Young men, old men, and middle-aged men.

You don’t want to press your luck.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke…

But the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.

The Irish way…

Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.